


What the Rain Can’t Wash Away

by themoonandotherslikeit



Series: The Look in Her Eyes [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Feminism, LGBTQ, Love, MCD, Mutual Pining, Pain, Romance, Sex, Smut, Stress, Violence, father daughter, otp
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2019-11-28 04:50:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 21
Words: 61,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18203762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themoonandotherslikeit/pseuds/themoonandotherslikeit
Summary: *Final piece of The Look In Her Eyes Trilogy*Sixteen years after Lucifer rose, and Dean lost his wife he finds himself with a teenager, a Nephilim, an angel, and his brother living out a Full House rerun with some seriously dark undertones. How will he be able to raise his daughter, fight monsters, and deal with the loss of the love of his life? Sometimes moving on is the hardest part, but with the Winchester’s there’s always something harder around the corner. Isn’t there?





	1. The Little Town Full of Little People

Dean

 

The air smelled like popcorn, corn dogs, and hay. Little kids scurried along the streets of downtown Lebanon wearing their Halloween costumes, squealing. Claire wore a witch hat, despite her insistence of not wanting to dress up. That was the thing about falling in love, it makes you do crazy things. I should know, Nel had me, Sam, and Cas dressed up as the Ghost Busters.

 

_“I feel ridiculous.” I complained as Nel snapped me into my back pack._

 

_“Well I worked hard on these costumes, so get over it.”_

 

_“And what are you?”_

 

_She rolled her eyes, pointing to her pale face paint. “Jackie and I are obviously ghosts?”_

 

_Of course. What was I thinking._

 

“Look What Ellie got me!” Jack exclaimed, showing us the cotton candy in his hand. “It is delicious.”

 

“I’ll say.” I grinned, plucking a piece of the pink fluff and sticking it in my mouth.

 

“She has very good taste.” Jack said with a nod.

 

“Come here, Jackie!” Nel said, waiving him over to one of the games. It was pumpkin painting. “Want to do one?”

 

“Oh yes!” He said with a gleam in his eye. The three kids huddled around the pumpkins. Nel and Jack painted while Claire instructed Jack on creepy paint ideas.

 

Cas, Sam, and I hung back. “She had a dream.” I said low to them.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“It’s like we had the same dream last night. Like she was tapped into my head.” I glanced to Sam.

 

“That’s...oh.” Sam said with a frown. “You think its a psychic thing?”

 

“Don’t you?”

 

Cas raised an eyebrow. “They do not mention this in the parenting books.”

 

“We already have one super powered kid burning off his soul.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “And another that’s a reckless hunter.” I sighed. “Pretty sure they don’t cover any of this.”

 

“Maybe she could be helpful with our current predicament.” Castiel offered, eyeing me.

 

“No way. I don’t want her in my head, Cas. It’s a fucking mess in there.”

 

“I mean, Cas has a point. You saw how powerful I was.”

 

“This isn’t a conversation we are having.” I huffed. “You also saw what happened. You had to juice up to do all of that and we sure as shit aren’t doing that to my daughter. She deserves to be normal.” I watched her painting on the pumpkin. She threw her head back and laughed at something that Jack said. They looked happy. Fuck she deserves to be happy.

 

“You brought it up, man.”

 

“Because I am worried, not because I want to use her as a weapon. We’ve been watching her her whole life... and yours didn’t show up until you were twenty three. Why is hers happening now?”

 

“She’s a wild card, Dean. We’ve always known that she ingested more than I ever did.” Sam said carefully. “We don’t know what she’s capable of. Maybe its coming out from all the stress.”

 

I shook my head. “So it’s my fault.”

 

“I didn’t say that.”

 

“You didn’t have to.”

 

Nel turned to me, catching me watching. She waved at me.

 

I winked back at her. My daughter, the light of my fucking life. All I wanted was for her to have a normal life. I worked my ass off for that, but I always knew in the back of my head that she wouldn’t be able to be normal. How could she after everything we’ve been through? After the name she was given. Winchester. It was like the kiss of death.

 

She whispered something in Claire’s ear, and she turned to look at me. I shrugged. Wasn’t gonna apologize for watching her. Ever since she was a baby I couldn’t look at her enough. She looked like Ava. In the way that she moved, and laughed. In her nose. Her eyes in the right light. She was everything. Even though I knew I’d have to say goodbye I wasn’t ready. How could I ever be?

 

 

“We should just watch her. Ya know?” I said carefully. “And when I go under, you two need to watch her too. We can’t let these kids go dark side. No matter what.” I turned away.

 

“Dean where are you going?”

 

“Getting a beer, Sammy. Don’t worry. I promised her a nice day. I don’t break promises to my kid if I can avoid it.”

 

I walked away. My feet crunching leaves as I walked down Main Street to the vender selling beer off the tap.

 

“Hey! Dean!”

 

I turned to find Cami, the waitress from The Little Pancake, jogging to me.

 

“Hey.” I forced a smile, taking my beer. “You, uh, want a drink?”

 

“Sure.” She smiled widely, pushing her red hair behind her ear. I’d never seen it down before, it had a nice wave to it.

 

I nodded to the bartender. “We will take another of the same thing.” I said, sitting some cash down. The man handed us a another cup and I offered it to her.

 

“Thank you so much.” She said, her cheeks pink. “You here with Eleanor?”

 

“Yeah.” I said with a laugh. “Wouldn’t dress like this on my own.” I gestured to the costume.

 

“She’s spirited.” Cami laughed.

 

“That’s an understatement.”

 

“What about you?”

 

“Oh, I’m here alone.” She said nervously. Her cheeks were painted to look like a cats face.

 

I smiled a bit. “So no one is forcing you into face paint?”

 

“Oh! This?” Her cheeks grew even more red. “No, I just saw one of the kids that always comes into the diner... and she was doing the paint and offered. Does it look terrible?”

 

“Nah.” I said with a shrug. “It’s cute. Nel used to paint my face, too.”

 

Cami smiled to herself and sipped her beer. “She’s a special girl. You two seem very close.”

 

“We are.” I agreed, taking a swig of my own beer. “Always have been.”

 

“Most dads that I see come in with their daughters seem so awkward. They’re both on their phones, but you two never are. It’s nice.”

 

I smiled at her, noticing the sun catching a gold fleck in her brown eyes. “Didn’t know you paid that close of attention.”

 

“Of course I do.” She said gently.

 

“Hey Dad, I...” Nel said, jogging up holding her pumpkin. “Oh, hi Cami.”

 

I turned to my daughter to catch her grinning from ear to ear. I internally sighed, realizing what this must look like. “It was nice talking to you, Cami.” I said forcing a smile.

 

“You too, Dean.” She responded quietly, with a small smile. “Thanks for the beer.”

 

“Anytime.” I said with a shrug. I walked to Nel and threw my arm over her shoulder. “Let’s see the pumpkin.”

 

She showed it to me, it was black and white striped with green paint dripping down it. “Beetle juice.” I grinned. “That’s my girl.”

 

She leaned into me. “Sorry to interrupt you two.”

 

“You didn’t. She was just saying hi. We were actually talking about you.” I glanced at her.

 

“We need to practice talking to girls, Dad.” She laughed.

 

“Nah, you’re the only girl I need to talk to.” I said, placing a kiss on the top of her head.

 

“Why do you do that?” She asked me, stopping us.

 

“Do what?”

 

“Refuse to be happy?”

 

“I’m not refusing, kid. All things considered, I am happy. I don’t need to be in a relationship to be full.” I pushed her hair behind her ear. “I’ve had my great love. Don’t really need another one.” _Plus, that’s just one more person to disappoint. One more person to miss me when I’m in the coffin._

 

“You really think there’s only one person out there? You don’t think we get more than one chance.”

 

I smiled down at her. “For you, sweetheart, you will get a million chances. You’re good. For me? Nah. It was your mom. Period, end of story, roll credits. I’m okay with that. You don’t need to worry about me.” I said, beginning to walk again. Ending the conversation. How could I explain to her that I never wanted any of this? I never let myself want the apple pie life. The marriage, the kid, the home. With Ava I had a taste, more than I ever deserved. I saw her in that bar and everything changed. Then I saw my daughter look up at me with big tired eyes, and fuck everything changed again, but no matter what I was still me. I was Dean Winchester, and shit just didn’t work out for me. Even under the setting sun, and growing full moon, the smell of fire, and the laughter of kids, I knew that I wasn’t meant to stick around in this world. Otherwise, why was death always knockin on my door? No matter what I did, we would always end up here. We would always end up having to say goodbye.

 

Ella 

 

Dad’s arm felt heavy around my shoulders. He was smiling, but there was something else behind it. There was an unbelievable sadness within him. I wrapped one arm around him in a hug and let go. “I’m gonna go see if Jack wants to ride the Ferris wheel now that it’s starting to get dark.” I offered weakly.

 

“Sounds good.”

 

I walked to Jack and Claire. “You guys want to go for a ride?” I asked, gesturing to the Ferris wheel.

 

Jack gulped audibly. “Really? Is it safe?”

 

“Nope.” Claire grinned.

 

“Babe stop. Yeah, Jackie. It’s perfectly safe.” I offered him my hand, sitting my pumpkin down next to Cas, who was sitting on a bench next to Sam. “Watch our stuff?”

 

“Sure.” Cas shrugged.

 

Jack took my hand nervously, and Claire rolled her eyes, taking my other spare hand. I lead us to the Ferris wheel. I gave the carnie our tickets and the three of us squeezed into the seat.

 

“Not very romantic.” Claire complained.

 

“Shh.” I leaned in and kissed her. “Every moment I’m with you is romantic, no matter what.” I promised.

 

Jack gasped when we started to move upwards he gripped my hand tightly and I smiled widely at him. “Hey it’s good.” I promised him.

 

“Yes...” He said carefully, starting to relax. “I think it is.”

 

“I needed to talk to you guys in private.” I said, looking at Dad below as other people started to get onto the Ferris wheel.

 

“What’s going on?” Claire asked, eyeing me.

 

“I had a dream last night. It was really vivid.” I said carefully. “I think I saw my moms death.”

 

“How could you have seen that, El?”

 

I shrugged, shaking my head. “Honestly, I have no idea. But it isn’t the first weird dream I’ve had lately.” I admitted.

 

“Like what?” Jack leaned in to the conversation.

 

“When you were sick... Jack I saw you die.” I sniffled, wiping a tear before it could roll down my cheek. “I don’t know... I didn’t think much about it. It was my worst nightmare, but then it happened just like I saw it...” I shook my head. “I’m getting really freaked out here. When I mentioned the dream to Dad he got all stiff. I think he knows more than what he’s saying.”

 

“Why don’t you ask him?” Jack asked quietly.

 

“I think he will lie to me, Jackie. He’s been doing that a lot lately. Apparently he’s been doing it my whole life.”

 

Claire laced her fingers with mine. “What does your gut say?”

 

I laughed humorlessly. “Well, maybe I’m psychic. I don’t know it sounds ridiculous, right? But what if... what if it’s true? What if I am one of the things my Dad hunts?”

 

“He would never hurt you, Ella. You’ve gotta know that.” Claire said insistently.

 

“I.. I do.. I mean I think I do.” I sighed as we crept up higher. “But what if there’s something else.” I met her eyes and then turned to Jack. “What if I have powers... what if I could help him? Don’t I have to try?”

 

“Hey, we don’t even know what this is. Don’t get ahead of yourself.” Claire said, alarmed.

 

“I don’t exactly know who to ask about this, Claire. My Dad? I can’t... He won’t like it.”

 

“What about Sam or Cas?” Jack offered. “Sam is very understanding about things.”

 

“No... he will tell Dad. He has to, right?”

 

“What about Rowena?” Claire offered. “I don’t like you talking to witches... but she would probably know something about all of this.”

 

“I think I’ll call her when we get back.” I said, looking down at my Dad. He looked like a spec below. _What should I do?_ I thought, frustrated before he glanced up at me. Almost like he heard me. I swallowed hard. _Impossible._ “If there’s something to this... maybe I can find the answer for Dad. Maybe I can help him.”

 

“Maybe I could.” Jack offered. “I could over power Michael.”

 

“No.” I said, squeezing his hand. “Jackie I won’t let you do that. You won’t burn away any more of you soul. Okay? You have to promise me.”

 

He sighed. He looked as helpless as I felt. “Okay.”

 

“You can’t tell him what we are doing, Jackie.” I said insistently. “He won’t let us figure it out. It has to be a secret. That’s how you can help. Help me by keeping quiet.”

 

Jack searched my face. He hated lying. I knew he did, but he nodded. “Yes. Okay I will do it.”

 

I let go of Claires hand and hugged him tightly. “Thanks little brother.”

 

“You are welcome.”

 

I released him and let Claire put her arm around me. “I’m sorry I ruined your first Ferris wheel ride.”

 

“No.” Jack said shaking his head. “I like spending time with you. I don’t care what we do.”

 

“Look at that.” I said, pointing out. “It’s the whole town. Its starting to light up.”

 

“They all look so small.” He said quietly.

 

“That’s because they are small, Jack.” Claire said. “There are so much bigger things, places, people than in this small little town. Bigger things than that bunker.”

 

“Hey,” I whispered, taking her cheek in my hand. “You okay?”

 

“No.” She whispered, pressing her forehead to mine. “I wanted you to have fun today, but you’re so worried. You’re always so worried.”

 

“It’s basically my M-O.”

 

“I don’t like it.”

 

“I’ll stop worrying when there’s nothing to worry about.” I winked. “Which may mean you need to stop hunting.” I laced my fingers with her hand that wasn’t around me. “Because it isn’t just Dad that I worry about, ya know.”

 

“I feel like I’m intruding..” Jack said awkwardly.

 

Laughter bubbled up inside of me, and I busted up. “God we have such a weird family.”

 

Claire grinned before busting up too. “That’s a fucking understatement.”

 

“Okay, no more drama.” I agreed. “Let’s just have fun.”

 

Claire’s face relaxed and she nodded, giving me a kiss.

 

We got off the Ferris wheel. My three dads met us with popcorn and candy apples. They looked like huge dorks in their costumes, I loved it. Growing up as a Winchester was probably not a normal childhood, but it was the one I had. We all hooked arms and went to find a place to sit in the grass. I leaned against a large tree, and bit into my apple, watching my family. Cas stared intently at his apple, not sure why he got one, as Dad tried to explain to him why it was delicious even though it was fruit. Claire brought out a cigarette to light before Sam grabbed it from her. “No way.” He said, sternly.

 

I grinned. Claire may think that this is a small town life, with small people, but she was just too zoomed out. When you get close it was so much more. The bunker wasn’t just a place, it was home. It was the place that I learned to count. The first place I met Claire. Our first Christmas with Jack. The place where Grandma came back to us.

 

I grew up in that bunker, in this town. It may be unconventional, but it belongs to me. It’s my life and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Looking at my family laughing, in front of a darkening sky, I knew I wouldn’t trade them for anything. We would stay together, the six of us, no matter what I took. Dad looked at me and smiled. _We will save you, Daddy. I promise. Even if it takes teh last breath n my body, I will not let you rot in that coffin._

 

His eyes widened for a moment, just long enough for me to question if I was really seeing it, but he quickly adjusted, his face relaxing. He gave me a thumbs up.

 

“Do you think Clementine would like candy apples?” Jack asked us.

 

I grinned widely. “You can’t give her stuff that isn’t cat food, Jackie. It’ll make her sick.”

 

He looked down, sadly. “But it’s so delicious. She deserves to have something that is this good.”

 

I walked to him, pulling him into a hug. “You can let her lick your fingers when you get home. Then she can try it without getting sick.”

 

“You’re so smart, Ellie!” He said, brightening up immediately.

 

“She sure is.” Dad grinned.

 

We looked up to the dark night sky as fireworks began to explode over our heads. I scooted close to Dad and leaned my head on his shoulder like I’d done every year since I was a little girl, and we watched the fireworks explode. For once since the night Lucifer was killed, things seemed peaceful, like maybe everything would work out.

 

_Maybe._  


	2. I See It in Your Eyes

Ella

My converse slapped the wet concrete as I ran. _I can make it._ I pushed forward, harder. I ran with everything that I had. I didn't know what was wrong, but I knew wherever I was going I had to get there. The rain was cold on my face. _Just a little bit more._ My heart pounded and with every beat I felt further and further away. My shoe caught a hole in the ground sending me flying forward. I caught myself on my hands, but not before scraping the skin on my palms. My forehead smacked the ground and I groaned, trying to shuffle back up to my feet. Trying but I couldn't... I just couldn't.

I sat up straight in bed my heart pounding. It felt so real. I could still feel the water on my face, the burning on my palms. Claire was sleeping peacefully at my side, curled up, hugging her pillow.

I slowly threw my legs over the side of the bed, my feet on the cold floor of my bedroom. I crept out, shutting the door behind me. I pulled out my phone and dialed Rowena. "Auntie Ro." I murmured.

"It's the Wee Winchester. It's late, what can I help you with sweetie?"

"I need your help." I whispered into my phone, trying to hold back my emotion, my fear.

"What's wrong, Wee One?"

"I... can you come here? I can't really talk about it on the phone."

"I'll be there tomorrow."

"Pick me up from school?"

"I'll be there." Rowena said. "Don't worry, Wee One... whatever you're afraid of, we will figure it out."

"I know... and Auntie Ro... please don't tell Dad."

"Don't worry, your secrets are safe with me."

——————————————

I met her at the local coffee shop. I needed somewhere that she couldn't flip out, if it were necessary. I had no idea what was going on with me, but whatever it was, it was getting worse. It was growing.

"What seems to be going on Eleanor?" Rowena asked, leaning forward. She gripped her cup full of hot tea.

"I've been having... dreams. Visions, I think." I bit my lip.

"And you don't want your Dads to know?"

"I don't want to be just another thing that they hunt."

"Oh, darlin you must know that they wouldn't ever hurt you." She said reaching for my hand. She squeezed my fingers supportively.

"I hope." I shook my head. "I don't know though. What if whatever inside me is dark... what if it's evil?"

She tilted her head to the side knowingly. "How long has this been happening?"

"Since before we lost Jack." I admitted. "I thought they were just dreams at first... it wasn't until I saw Jackie die..." I swallowed hard, over examining her red polished nails.

"You saw him die?"

"It was so vivid. Then it happened just like I saw it."

"Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"It was too late to save him." I said desperately. "I should've said something after my dream. I should've... but I didn't. I was too scared. Scared of what I saw. Scared of what I was becoming."

"You didn't know, Wee One. How could you have?"

"Then the other night... I think I saw my mom die. Dad... he was dreaming and I think I was seeing his memory. I don't know." I put my face in my hands. _This is too much._

"Is there anything else?"

"Last night I had a dream that I was running. I was trying to get somewhere but I fell..."

"Going where?"

"I don't know." I admitted. "But it felt so real. It was terrifying. What's happening to me?"

Rowena reached forward and wiped a tear from my cheek. "Don't worry. We will get to the bottom of this."

"Do you think it's a spell? A curse?"

"I'm not sure." She admitted. "It could be something that's always been in you. Most psychics are born, not made, but..."

"But what?"

"They can be made."

"How?"

"Sweetie, I really think you should talk to your dads."

"Why? I told you... they won't understand... I want to make sure I know what's happening before I bring it to them."

"Did you know that the Giant used to have abilities just like this?"

"Sam?"

"When he was twenty three he had quite the abilities... or so I've heard." Rowena said, running her fingers along the lip of her mug.

I looked down at my glass of water intensely. I could see my distorted reflection within the glass. "They never told me that."

"It's been a long time for them. The boys don't like to dwell."

"Guess not." I said, squeezing my glass in my hands. How could they hide something that's so relevant to my current situation. But then again, what did they not lie about? That'd probably be a shorter list.

 Dean

_The Night Lucifer Rose_

"Dean, Dean listen we've gotta go!"

Ava laid in my arms, limp. She was gone, but I couldn't move her from my arms. How could I let her go?

"This place is gonna blow!" Sam said.

I finally turned to him, he held Eleanor in his arms, against his chest. He was right. The room was shaking, white light was pouring in the windows. Lucifer was rising, and we would be screwed if we waited around for him.

I stood up, slowly, holding Ava bridal style against me. Her head hung over my arm. Her blood was still warm against my forearm. My chest squeezed. She was really gone.

"Come on." Sam said, pushing me out. He kept one hand on my daughter and one on my arm, leading us out of the church and into the fucking storm.

We fastened Nel into her car seat, and I held Ava against me in the backseat. "You drive." I told him, tossing him my keys.

"Dean..."

"I don't want to talk about it right now, Sammy." I murmured, pushing her curls out of her face. I ran my fingers over her eyelids shutting them, seeing her eyes for the last time. There was no more life in them. I watched them fade away right in front of me.

If there was ever a time to say goodbye, now was it. It was over. I ran my thumb across her chilled bottom lip. She could have been sleeping this time. I took her hand in mine, running my fingers over her wedding ring. Mom's wedding ring. I knew I should keep it, but it felt so fucking wrong taking it off of her finger.

Nel whimpered in her car seat. "Hey." I said, resting my palm on her baby belly. "I know." I whispered, my heart aching.

Lacey fed her demon blood. Ava was dead in my arms. Sammy started the apocalypse. I didn't even know how I was going to keep going, let alone where to start with this fucking mess I was left. I twisted my fingers in her curls. "I'm so sorry, Ave." I whispered. I was fucking broken.

Rain pounded on the roof of the Impala, a large blast of light erupted behind us.

"Shit, do you think that's...?"

"Satan." I said sharply. "Yeah. Yeah I do."

————————————————

Eleanor was asleep in her carrier at my feet. Ava's body was wrapped in fabric. She was faceless, but it didn't matter. She wasn't in there anymore. Her wedding ring felt heavy in my pocket.

Sam and I sprinkled salt over her. Maybe what's dead should stay dead. It was a lesson that was impossible for me to learn, no matter how much I tried.

"Should we say something?" Sam asked, gently.

There was a thousand things I wanted to say to her, but she wouldn't ever get to hear it. I pulled out a piece of paper, a goodbye letter. I walked it to her and rested it on her chest, where her hands were crossed. "Bye, Ave." I pulled out my zippo lighter and I flipped it, igniting the flame. A hunters funeral. It's what she would've wanted. _No_. I thought. _She would want to be alive._

Her body lit up fast. My face was hot from the flames licking up toward the sky. I turned and caught a tear as it rolled down Sammy's cheek. He loved her too. Maybe we both lost a piece of ourselves that night. A part we probably wouldn't ever be able to get back.

"Let's go." I said, picking up Nel's carrier. I turned away from her, biting back my urge to just fucking lose it. I didn't have time to mourn. I had a daughter who needed me, and I had a fucking world to save.

_Dear Ava,_

_I guess I know how it feels now. How you felt when you had to watch me be ripped apart in front of you. I think we just keep taking turns. We are running in circles, Ave._

_Being with you is indescribable. It was more than I could ever want. It was more than I'd ever let myself want, but I did. I wanted you. I wanted this life. I used to watch you sleep, ya know? In the motel, before we ever were in love. I'd wake up early when I was on those goddamn pull out couches and I'd see you there, curled up, and hugging your pillow like you did. Your curls spilling out all over your pillow. You're the most beautiful woman I'd ever met. I knew then that I could watch you sleep forever. I wanted to._

_Now, I ask myself every day if you'd have been safe if I hadn't walked into that bar. If I hadn't let myself want you._

_But then again, if I hadn't then we wouldn't have Eleanor. She's sleeping next to me when I write this. She's just so effortless. I want to give her everything I never had. Stability, and a home. But there's something I can never give her, Ave, and that's you. How can I raise her without you? How will I know what to do? How can I deal with this demon blood situation with her? How can I be my best self without you?_

_I was never able to say it, before you. Not to my Dad, or Sammy. Not to any other woman I'd met. But you, Ava Winchester... I love you. I love you more than I love pie, or beer. More than I want to fight monsters. I love you more than my fucking car. I love you, and I wish I'd said it a thousand times over. I wish I didn't lose so much time with you being an idiot. I wish I'd met you when we were kids, back when things were simpler. Back before I was who I am now. Before I was broken._

_I guess there's no sense in dwelling. You won't get to read this anyway, so I don't know why I'm shouting into the void. There's no changing any of this. It's over. You're dead, and if it weren't for Eleanor, I'd be dead right next to you. I hope you know that, sweetheart. There's no me without you. I'll do what I can. I'll try my best to do right by you with the husk of myself that I'm walking around in._

_I love you, Ave, and I will love you until the last breath in my body. I'll see you on the other side if they let me in._

_-Dean_

Sam

_Present_

"Sam? Can we talk?" Eleanor asked, poking her head into my bedroom.

I was leaning over my desk, pouring into lore, trying to find a way out for Dean with no avail. He was getting anxious, and was insisting pretty intensely that it was almost time to drop him in the ocean.

"Sure, Kid." I said, stretching. "I could use a break anyway."

"I just... I had a question."

"Hit me."

She walked into the room and sat on the edge of my bed, pulling her feet under her. "It's kind of... you can't tell Dad. I know what that sounds like, and you're all so close but... but I just need you right now."

I watched her eyes, her nervous expression. She was the perfect combination of Dean and Ava. She had learned mannerisms from Dean, but there were some things about her that was all Ava. It was effortless. "You can tell me anything, El. You know that."

"I may have heard about your... whole psychic thing."

I raised my eyebrows. "Really? From who?"

"I don't want to rat anyone out."

"Sure."

I sighed. It wasn't exactly something I wanted to rehash, but Dean's words echoed in my head. " _It's like we had the same dream last night. Like she was tapped into my head."_

It had already started. "What's going on, El?"

"I just... I've been having dreams, too. They seem so real. I just don't understand it. I don't want to be a freak, Uncle Sam."

"You're not a freak, kid." I sighed. "Listen to me. I had visions. I could see things before they happened, and everyone thought I had a dark side."

"Like what people think about Jack?"

"Exactly. We make our own destiny, El. We choose if we are going to be good. I'm not saying we have the same thing, but if you are having visions you aren't a _freak_ and you aren't bad. Okay? You're just.. goin through something."

"I want to believe you, Sam. Were you ever able to do anything else other than just see things before they happened?"

I stared at my niece. She was always so old for her age, but I still remembered the day she was born. The day she laid in her mothers arms, and I wrapped mine around both of them tightly. I would've protected them from anything, but I fucked that up. I could at least tell her the truth now. "No. Just the visions." _I'm full of shit._

Eleanor sighed, looking down at her lap. "Crap."

"What's wrong?"

"I was hoping... well, Micheal is in Dad's head, right?" She asked desperately. "If I'm tapping into his dreams what if I could get in there... and..."

"And what?" I asked, leaning into her, gripping the edge of the chair. "What could you do to an Arc Angel?"

"I don't know, Sam. I really don't. I'm just so helpless here, and then this start's up..."

I sighed, standing. I lowered myself next to my niece and pulled her into my arms like I did when she was little. "You're just like your mom, you know that?"

"How do you mean?"

"She was always trying to help. No matter what it took."

"Sounds like Dad."

I smiled a bit, kissing the top of her head. "They were pretty similar."

"Think that's why they were soul mates? Dad always says they were."

I closed my eyes. I didn't think about her much, not anymore, but sometimes when I'm asleep I can still feel her rested against my side. I can still see her cuddled next to me on the couch watching How I Met Your Mother. I can still feel her in my arms on the beach that first day. That first case that changed everything. "Yeah. I think that's why."

She turned and looked up at me. "Did you ever find out why you were having visions, Sam?"

"Me? Oh.. I don't know, kid. I guess I just grew out of them, because I don't have them anymore."

She frowned. "That isn't what I asked."

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. "It was something that happened when I was a baby."

"You're being pretty shady, Sam. What's going on with me? You know more than what you're saying. I can tell."

"You should..."

"Talk to Dad. Yeah, I know, but I'm not talking to him. Am I? I'm talking to _you_." Her turquoise eyes almost seemed to glow as she stared into my soul. She was getting upset, flexing her hands at her side.

_I can't tell her about the demon blood_. _Dean will never forgive me._

"What about demon blood, Uncle Sam?" She asked, crossing her arms.


	3. The Hero Always Gets a Beer

Ella

 

“What about demon blood, Uncle Sam?”

 

Sams eyes widened, his jaw hanging open.. “What did you say?”

 

“Seriously? Stop with the lies, Sam! What do you mean _demon blood_?”

 

“You heard me? El you just.. you read my thoughts.” He reached for me, but I shrugged him off.

 

“What? No you must’ve whispered it.”

 

“I didn’t.”

 

I wanted to argue, to scream, to throw things, but there was no point. I knew he was telling the truth. “Uncle Sam what’s happening to me?”

 

“Hey, its okay.” He said, pulling me into a hug. “Don’t worry.”

 

I was worried. I was fucking terrified. I let go, I let myself cry into his t-shirt. I mourned for my innocence, for the loss of my mother, and for Dad. How was he going to look at me when he found out?

 

“It’s not okay.” I whisper quietly. “How can it be?”

 

Sam grabbed my face in his hands. “We will go talk to Dean together. He will understand.” He promised.

 

“No.” I said standing up, wiping my eyes aggressively. “I can’t. I _can’t_.” I sucked in my breath. “He has enough on his plate with Michael. I can’t put another thing on his plate.”

 

“Hey, listen to me.” Sam said gently. “That’s how we felt with our Dad growing up. He does not want you to feel that way, El. I promise. He will want to know.”

 

I searched Sams face for an answer. For any kind of indication that he was lying to me, but he wasn’t. I knew he wasn’t. I sucked in my breath and wiped my eyes again with the back of my hand. “Fine. Fine lets tell him. What’s the worst that could happen?” _He hates me and throws me in the coffin instead._

 

Dean

 

I laid on my bed with my headphones on, blasting music trying my best to drown out Michaels screams within my head. I could feel him banging, throwing things, screaming. He was close to breaking out, breaking through. I knew he was. We were running out of time. I clamped my eyes shut. _Shut up you dumb fucker, I am so sick of listening to you!_

 

There wasn’t anything left to do. I’d have to tell them, Sam and El, Cas and Jack... it was time to say goodbye. I opened my eyes to see Sammy standing in my doorway, waving. I pulled off my headphones, letting them rest around my neck before I clicked pause on my phone. “Sup?”

 

“Dude, you’re going to go deaf if you listen that loud.”

 

I shrugged. “I’ll just ask Eileen for signing advice. It’ll give her some more excuses to hang around here.” I said flippantly. “What do you want?”

 

“We need to talk to you about something, if you’ve got a minute.”

 

I tilted my head, seeing my daughter hiding behind Sams tall frame. “Huh. Yeah sure come on in.” I said, fully sitting up.

 

Nel slowly drug herself into the room, she was wringing her hands and avoiding my eyes. “Eleanor what’s wrong?” I asked, eyeing her.

 

“What?” Her eyes shot up, wide and alarmed.

 

“I said... what’s wrong? You look freaked.”

 

“I... I don’t know.” She started to sniffle and her eyes darted to Sam.

 

“Hey, none of that. ‘Mere.” I said, opening my arms. I watched my daughter slowly walk to me, unlike how she’d done when she was little, running and leaping. She always knew I’d catch her then, but this time something was different.

 

She hesitated and hovered near the edge of my bed. “Okay one of you two talk, now.” I snapped, looking between them.

 

“Nel is having visions, Dean.” Sam said carefully.

 

“What?” I asked, even though I suspected. Even though I knew.

 

“Like me.” Sam said carefully. “And she read my thoughts.” He added.

 

I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to gather my thoughts. _Fuck this is not what I need right now! Can’t we just deal with one problem at a time?_

 

“Dad?” Nel squeaked.

 

I turned to her to see her eyes filled with tears. “Hey, no, don’t do that.”

 

Her lip trembled and she shook her head. She turned to Sam. “I told you this was a bad idea.” She pushed past him before turning to me. “I’m sorry that I’m a problem. I didn’t want to tell you. I wanted to deal with it alone. Just forget we said anything.” She pushed out of my room, slamming the door behind her.

 

“I... fuck.” I rubbed my face. “Well, shit you weren’t kidding.”

 

“She read your mind?”

 

“Evidentially.” I sighed. “God, I just can’t stop fucking up, can I?”

 

Sam shrugged. “I should’ve talked to you alone.”

 

“Why’d she come to you about it anyway?”

 

“I think because she was worried about you having that exact reaction.” Sam laughed humorlessly.

 

“Yeah.” I grunted. “You’re probably right.” I sighed. “Sammy its getting bad. Michael.. I can’t keep him contained, and now this.”

 

“She was wondering if she could help you.” Sam said, leaning against the wall eyeing me. “That was one of the first things she asked me.”

 

“Well, that isn’t happening.”

 

Sam shrugged. “I don’t want her to do it either, Dean. I’m just saying, I don’t think she’s going to let you go into that coffin. I don’t think I will.”

 

I narrowed my eyes at him. “You’re not going to let my teenage daughter drink demon blood to expel an Arch Angel out of my head. You have to promise me that you’ll have my back on this Sam. I’m going in that coffin. By the end of the week I’ll be under water. You’re gonna have to deal with this psychic shit. Keep it in check... don’t let her...”

 

“What? Go dark side? Pull a Sam?”

 

“Well, yeah.” I shrugged. “Not really the time for pleasantries, Sammy.”

 

Sam pursed his lips. “I won’t let her be destructive, Dean. She’s my kid too.” He said quietly.

 

And she was. She belonged to all of us. Sam singlehandedly taught her how to read. Cas would show her the beauty in the world, in the flowers and the bugs. I’d stay up with her when she had a nightmare, because lets be honest... I was having them too. She was our daughter, the three of ours. “It’s fucking killing me thinking about leaving her.” I admitted. “But... at the same time.” I sucked in my breath. “Then maybe I won’t have to miss Ave so much.” I said quietly, my voice dropping. “Maybe it all won’t have to hurt so fucking much.”

 

“You realize you’re not going to be asleep in there, right?” His eyebrows came together. “He’s going to keep you awake for years, Dean. Forever.”

 

I shrugged. “Left to day dream about the good old days.”

 

“Sure. Deflect, whatever.” Sam grunted. “Guess I’ll go talk to Nel. Calm her down.”

 

I shook my head. “Stop, man.”

 

“No! Fuck! You stop! Stop pretending you aren’t afraid! Stop acting like this isn’t all a big deal. Stop acting like you aren’t her Dad. Like you can just check out. Like that.” Sam snapped his fingers. “And then everyone can just forget. As if I could make half the impression on her that you do. Neither of us are Ava, but you are the only real parent she has left. And fuck if you insist on running out on her, can you at least do the job until you’re gone?”

 

I wince. “Damn, Sammy. Goin for the jugular.” I sighed. “You’re right. Bout all of it.” I tossed my headphones to the side and stood up. “I got her.”

 

I pushed past Sam and walked down the hall to her room. I knocked a few times before poking my head in. Claire was sitting on the bed leaning over some lore. I eyed an image of an angel on one of the pages before clearing my throat. She pulled out a headphone. “Lookin for Ella?”

 

“Mhm.”

 

“She said she needed some air.”

 

“Right.” I said with a sigh. I knew where she was.

 

—————————

 

I climbed up the ladder, and squeezed through the hole in the platform for the billboard that overlooked Lebanon. “Hey.” I said, eyeing Nel.

 

She sat in one of my flannels with her back against the billboard. Her legs were straight out in front of her. Even in the darkness, I could tell that her eyes were swollen from crying.

 

“Hi.”

 

“I’m sorry.” I said gently. “And if you’re worried I’m lying, listen to my thoughts and you’ll see that I’m not.

 

“Doesn’t work that way. I don’t think.”

 

“How does it work?” I asked gently.

 

“Seems to go along with my emotions. If I’m pissed or afraid its like I turned up the volume...” She looked away from me. “I know you didn’t ask to have a freak as a daughter.”

 

“Woah, no one said you’re a freak, kid. I mean, you are.” I smiled. “We all are. Look at Sammy. He’s a giant goofball who hasn’t had a hair cut his whole damn life. I have an arch angel in my melon, Cas is a baby in a trench coat, and Jack is the son of Satan. We are a bunch of weirdos. So don’t go feelin like you’re special or anything.”

 

She smiled a little before turning back to me. “I’m scared. I don’t want to turn into the things that you hunt.”

 

“Sweetheart, listen to me. We would do anything for you. You would never be one of those things. You can trust me on that.”

 

“I want to.” She admitted, quietly. “It’s just so... so weird. The other night I think I saw your dream.”

 

I winced. _Fuck_. “I was worried about that.”

 

“You were? How’d you even guess?”

 

“Guess you deserve the truth.” I sighed. “Before Mom died, we were trying to stop Lucifer from rising the first time.” I winced. “So we had a good friend watch you, but it turns out she wasn’t who she said she was... she was a demon.”

 

Her eyes flickered up. “I heard Sams thoughts. He said demon blood. What did he mean?”

 

“She’d been feeding you her blood. To sort of get these psychic powers to grow.”

 

“She.. she killed Mom.”

 

“She did.”

 

“Oh my god.” Nel covered her mouth in a sob before regaining her composure.

 

“Listen to me. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

 

“How can you if you’re going to be in a box, Dad?”

 

I rubbed my face. “Damn it, kid. I don’t want to do that. I don’t think there’s any other choice. I hope you can understand that someday.”

 

She looked me over before nodding. “I do understand. That’s the worst part. I understand because I would do it too, if it were me.”

 

I took her hand in mine. “Eleanor, your Uncle Sam will watch out for you. He won’t let anything happen to you... just... just try to keep this under wraps. Don’t push the psychic thing. I don’t want it consuming you.”

 

“Like it did to Sam?”

 

“What? How would you know what it did to Sam?”

 

“I don’t know.” She murmured. “I think I just know.”

 

Sam

 

I popped my head into Nel’s room. “Hey, anything?”

 

Claire looked up at me before throwing a book across the room. “No! Fuck! I am so frustrated! I can’t get anywhere. Sam I don’t know what she’s going to do if she loses him.”

 

“I don’t know what I’ll do...” I admitted quietly, before shaking my head. “We will figure it out. We have to. He’s ready to pull the trigger.”

 

I walked to Claire and sat next to her on the bed. “What books haven’t you started on? I’ll give em a go.”

 

“This one.” She tossed me. “Get to reading, Stanford. We need all the help we can get.”

 

 _That’s an understatement._ I sighed to myself before opening the book. I squinted, it looked like a page had been book marked. “What the...” I flipped to it and ran my fingers along the words as I read. “You’re not gonna believe this. It’s called the Baozhu. It’s one of eight ancient Chinese treasures. It’s a pearl that grants wishes. Sort of.”

 

Claire raised an eyebrow. “Sort of?”

 

I cleared my throat. “Well, technically, it’s supposed to give you what your heart desires.”

 

“So if we give it to Dean...”

 

“Blamo, bye bye Micheal. In theory.”

 

“Sam you’re a genius! I could kiss you!”

 

“Hold on there, kid.” I laughed, feeling the weight on my chest lift a bit. “We don’t know where to find it.”

 

“Give me an hour. I’ll get it.” Claire said, determined.

 

“I should tell Dean.”

 

“Just...” Claire grabbed for me. “Maybe wait until we find it. Don’t want to get their hopes up for nothing.”

 

I nodded knowingly.

 

A fucking pearl. The answer to our questions. I clamped my eyes closed before opening them again. “Gonna see if Cas knows about this. Maybe he will have a lead.”

 

“Sounds good.” Claire said, typing away on her laptop. “Oh, and Sam?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Grab me a beer?”

 

I laughed and shook my head. “One ginger ale coming up.”

 

“Buzz kill.”

 

“You’re not twenty-one, you have no buzz to kill.” I said with a smile. _But if this is the solution, you’ve got one on me, kid. The hero always gets a beer. Always._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said I’d start posting on Sunday’s, but surprise! I finished this chapter early. I am having a bit of writers block, and for me the only way out is through! I will probably post again on Sunday, so don’t fret! I also want to point out that I’m not going exactly cannon with how things have gone in the show, especially here on out since we are in the current season. So hold on tight! Be ready for angst, and family fluff that is to come <3 Love you all and your views, kudos, and comments literally mean the world to me! 
> 
> HMU on tumblr if you want to talk @themoonandotherslikeit


	4. Poughkeepsie

Dean

"A... pearl?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"Yup." Sam said smoothly. "It grants your deepest desire."

"That means...Micheal gone. That's my deepest desire!"

"Exactly." Sam grinned triumphantly. "So you think you can hold off on the whole deep sea plan for a few days?"

I swallowed. If this was true.. then _fuck_. That could be the solution. "Seems a little too good to be true, man. Don't you think?"

My little brother shrugged. "Maybe, but we won't know until we try. Ya know?"

"Do you have any leads on it?" I pressed. I would be damned if I got my hopes up just to have something else fall through. Just to have another wild goose chase.

"Actually, we do." Cas said, literally stepping out of the shadows.

I jumped in my seat at the table. "Jesus, man! What're you doin lurking like that?"

"I wasn't lurking, Dean." Cas said with a huff. "I was just waiting for the best moment to bring you the good news."

"Well, it was creepy." I said, taking a swig of my beer. "What's the lead?"

Cas walked to the kitchen table. "A man named Larkin. He is a collector, of sorts. A procurer of rare occult items."

"Like Bela?" Sam asked, making a face.

"Not exactly." Cas said smoothly. "He keeps them for himself. Locked away. Sometimes he will sell, for a price, but something like this won't be for sale. It's too valuable."

"Right." I sighed, rubbing my forehead. "So what do you propose? We ask nicely?"

"I was thinking we should steal it."

"Cas, you naughty girl." I said through clenched teeth.

Sam shrugged again. "Won't be the first time."

"What's with you two?" I asked, standing. "You have a death wish for a half assed lead?"

"It isn't half assed." Sam frowned. "This is a real lead, Dean."

"Well, we don't know if we can get it or if it would even _work_."

"But we should still try." Cas said gently.

"Respectfully? Fuck no. This guy probably has an arsenal."

"So?" Sam rolled his eyes. " _We_ have an arsenal. We can handle this, Dean."

"Just put me in the box, Sammy. Put me in the box and let me fucking rest."

I turned to leave but Sammy grabbed my arm to stop me. I turned to meet his pained expression. "Just let us try, Dean. Please."

I sighed. How could I say no to those fucking doe eyes? They were the same ones that got me a thousand times over. The same eyes that pulled me out of my head, out of the pocket that Michael had slipped me into. He gave me strength I didn't know I had. "Okay, Sammy. We can give it a shot, but we can't wait around forever. You got a game plan?"

"The start of one."

"How far away is it?"

"Bout seven hours."

"Good. We can finish the plan on the way. I'll let the kids know we are headed out on a case. Wheels up in ten."

 

_Three weeks earlier, inside Dean's mind_

 

I flipped the Tequila bottle. Once, twice. "Damn I'm getting good at that." I grinned to myself, finishing pouring the shot.

"Shit." A voice came along with the chime of the front door. "It's really coming down out there."

I turned toward the familiar voice. _Ava_. "Hey, Sweetheart."

"Got your precious limes. Hope my Afro is worth it." She joked, shaking out her black curls. They were a bit bigger than usual from the humidity.

"Totally worth it." I grinned widely, gesturing for her to come to me. "We can't have the house special without limes. What are we, savages?"

She hopped up on the bar, and slid into my arms. I pressed a gentle kiss on her lips and she smiled against me.

"I missed you." I told her.

"I've been gone half an hour, you're so needy." She teased, kissing me again.

"Yeah, well, it felt like a fucking life time."

Ava grinned back at me. "Should we close up? It's pretty fucking dead in here."

"You're right." I sighed. "And I need to do the books."

"You're really sexy when you talk management to me." She wiggled her eyebrows.

"Well, Mrs. Winchester, I could use the help. Step into my office?"

"In a minute." She smiled. "I want a famous house special." She slid off the bar top and rested on a stool.

I sliced a lime effortlessly, like it was second nature.

"Have you heard from Nel?" She asked, leaning in to me, the tops of her breasts poking out from her V-neck.

"At the movies with Claire."

"That's a normal teenage thing to do. I'm so proud." Ava grinned. "Does this mean she's given up on the idea of being a hunter like Mom and Dad?"

"We aren't exactly hunting anymore." I said with a smile. I reached out and ran my thumb over her bottom lip. "We're business owners."

"Yeah, _we are._ "

I sighed. "Yeah, Sam and Cas are still on that ghoul hunt in Wichita. Should be home soon though."

"Maybe we should hire Sam as a bar-back." She grinned. "With you two behind the bar we won't need to do ladies night to make extra money."

"Don't objectify me." I scoffed, even though I couldn't hide my growing smile.

"You love it."

"I love you."

"I love you too, Dean." She leaned forward, touching my cheek with her soft hand and kissed me.

Something inside me ached at the kiss, and I pulled her closer, deepening it. I would take her right there on the bar top if she'd let me. I would run into the rain and scream _I love my fucking wife!_ There was no need, though, I had her, and nothing would rip me away from her.

"Two House Specials." I grinned, sliding her a tequila shot, a lime, and a beer. I opened my own beer.

"Best special around." She smiled, raising her shot glass. "To Rocky's, to our dysfunctional family, and to us. Love can solve anything."

"Fuck yeah it can." We clinked glasses and downed the shot.

Ava wiggled as the shot ran through her, and she wrapped her lips around the lime, sucking.

I hopped over the bar and swiftly walked to the front door, flipping the sign to _closed_.

"What're you doing?" She asked, removing the lime from her lips.

"Gonna do what I've been thinking about since the moment you walked back into this bar."

"And what's that?" She asked coyly.

"'Mere and I'll show you."

I walked to her, meeting her in the middle before pulling her into my arms. She fit there like she was made for me, like I was made for her. I captured her lips in mine and ran my fingers down her back.

"Dean." She whispered.

" _Dean."_

I turned, with my hand up her fucking shirt, to find Sam and Cas staring at me wide eyed.

Sammy stood there slack jawed like a complete creep.

"No offense, guys, I'm glad you're here, but Christ can you not watch?" I laughed, moving my hand out of Ava's shirt.

She readjusted her top, and her hair. "Hey Sam, Cas. How was the case?"

"Ava.." Sam muttered.

"What's wrong with you, man? Was it a tough one?"

"I'll get you two a beer." Ava said, going behind the bar. "We have this new one from Austin. It's an IPA, you'll love it."

"Dean," Sam said, grabbing ahold of me. He turned my attention from Ava behind the bar, one of my favorite versions of her, to him.

"What man?"

"What's going on here?" He asked low.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, shrugging him off.

"Glad you two are back safe." Ava said, cracking the caps off the beers. "I think Dean was starting to get worried." She smiled brightly. _Damn she lights up a room_.

"Was not." I grunted.

I made my way back behind the bar, and snaked an arm around Ava's waist. "What're you two waiting for? Want her to bring the beers to you? Drink up." I slid the beer to the edge of the bar, waiting for Sam and Cas to oblige. They'd never had a problem drinking my free beer before.

The two of them raced toward the bar and Sam placed his palms flat on the bar top. "We don't have time for this. I'm sorry, Dean..."

"Sorry bout what? I'll drink the beer if you don't want it, Sammy."

Ava laughed. "Not if you're wanting to... you know." She eyed me.

Cas raised an eyebrow. "Wanting to what?"

Ava looked to me for approval and I shrugged. "We are trying to get pregnant again. Now that things have slowed down... and beer can lower the sperm count. We already have a lot against us from our age. So no more than one drink a day. He promised."

I pulled her into my arms and kissed her. "And I won't break it." I swore to her. I looked to my brother and Cas, who honestly looked like someone ran over their puppy. "What the fuck is wrong with you two? Thought you'd be happy?"

"Dean.. None of this is real. Okay? The bar... Ava.."

"Excuse me?" Ava asked, moving out of my arms. "You've never met anyone more real than me, Sam Winchester."

"You're just a complex manifestation of Dean's memories designed to distract him." Cas said sadly.

"You really know how to talk to a lady, don't you?" She grinned. "Just have the beer, Castiel. You're a little tightly wound."

"Okay, listen to me." Sam said, frustrated. "You have to remember what's going on out in the real world."

"I know its raining." I gestured to the bay windows in the bar. "What else do I need to know?" _My whole world is in here._ I thought, kissing Ava's hair.

"No! I'm not talking about the rain. I'm talking about _Michael_."

I blinked a few times. "Michaels in the cage."

"Sam you okay?" Ava asked gently. "Was there something more that happened on the hunt?"

I stroked the length of her back, feeling almost blissful. I barely noticed what Sam and Cas were saying. Being this close to her just felt so fucking _good_.

"No, damn it. It wasn't a bad case."

"Michael is possessing you." Castiel said carefully. "You have to remember that."

"Come on guys." I groaned. "What? Is this some kind of joke?"

"No, Dean." Cas sighed. "It isn't a joke."

"Okay, okay." Ava said, putting her hands up. "If we are inside Dean's head then he should be able to control things, like a lucid dream?

Sam looked flustered. "I don't know, maybe?"

"Then let's go ahead and skip all the dirty stuff. Where's my baby, Dean? Get me pregnant with your _brain_." She said before busting into laughter.

"Baby, I don't want to miss the dirty stuff." I wiggled my eyebrows at her.

"Dean listen to me. This bar is not real. Ava isn't real. You know what happened to her." Sam said insistently.

I frowned. "Man that's my wife. Stop talking about her like she isn't here."

"She isn't here, Dean. Ava.. Ava died that night in the church. The night that Lucifer rose. You remember that, right?"

I frowned and closed my eyes. _Do I?_

" _It's going to be okay, Ave. I've got you. I won't let you go." I said into her hair. "You're the one, sweetheart. It's always been you. From the second I walked into that bar. It'll be okay, because everything with us is right. You're the only thing that's right."_

I opened them back and she was gone. "Where the... where'd Ava go? Ava?" I ran out from behind the bar. "This isn't funny... this... this is my life." My eyes stung. "This is _the_ dream!"

"No, Dean." Cas said sadly. "This is _a_ dream, Dean. That's all it is. Please you have to try to remember, because the people in your life.. in your real life out there need you to come back. Eleanor needs you to come back."

_Eleanor._

"No." I shook my head. "Nel's in a movie with Claire. She's being a normal kid. She's happy. _We're happy_."

Sams eyes flickered to mine and with a sad expression whispered. "Poughkeepsie."

"What?" My heart sunk.

"Poughkeepsie."

Ella

_Two days after the boys went to look for the pearl_

 

"I haven't heard from them." I crossed my arms, pacing the length of the kitchen. "I'm starting to get worried. They call they _always_ call."

"Maybe their phones are dead?" Claire offered weakly. She knew that this was as bad as I did.

"They always check in Claire. What if something happened? What if Michael escaped and blew them up? What if they're..."

"We will go save them." Jack said, standing suddenly.

"I know where they went." Claire said, meeting my eyes.

"You do? They told you?"

"I sort of... fuck. I didn't want to have to lie to you. They were looking for a solution for Michael. This magical pearl that grants you your hearts desire."

"So they think they can use it to get Michael gone?"

"Yeah. We think at least."

"Claire, why didn't you tell me?" I asked, desperately.

"We didn't want to get your hopes up if it wasn't going to happen." She sighed.

"Do you think it can really work?" Jack asked, hopeful.

"That's the idea."

"If they're still alive." I said, cracking my knuckles. "Jack's right. We have to save them."

"We could call another hunter."

"Claire, why don't you want me on this? I can do it. I know how to shoot, plus, I'll have you both with me." I smiled, taking her hands. "Let's go save our Dad's."

"Fine." She said curtly. "But I don't like it.

"Someone wise once told me that I don't have to _like_ something, but I do have to respect it."

"What dumbass said that?"

"Mmm not sure, but damn I bet she was pretty." I said, placing a kiss on Claire's lips. "Wheels up in ten?"

"Really, Dean Jr?"

I shrugged with a grin. "Always wanted to say that."

"I will pack the snacks." Jack said with a nod.

"Not a lot though, Jack! We are taking the bike." Claire said flippantly.

It had to be a real funny sight seeing Claire and I on a motorcycle, with Jack in the sidecar. Like real fucking funny.

I borrowed one of Claire's leather jackets, and my own boots. Jack was wearing one of Sam's jackets, even though it just about swallowed him whole.

"We have a long ride, so get comfy." Claire said, kick starting the bike.

I wrapped my arms around her waist, pressing my face to her back. _This is all I need to be comfy. You're all I need._

Claire turned back to me with a smile, before closing the plastic on her helmet over her face. "You're all I need, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another early update because I’m a PROBLEM! I’m trying to produce a lot of content right now. All of my free time is going to writing so let me know what you think. :) Thank you for reading, thank you for keeping up with this story. I hope it is living up to all that you wanted it to be <3  
> HMU on tumblr I love that shit! @themoonandotherslikeit


	5. Adventures in Babysitting

Dean

_Two days ago_

The mansion loomed under a dark, threatening sky. Thunder boomed in the distance making the whole thing real fuckin dramatic. "Why is it always stormy when we are about to do something dangerous?"

"We live in the Midwest, man." Sam said with a laugh. "Crazy weather is just kinda a given."

I shrugged. "Yeah, you got a point." I rubbed my hands together before pulling out my gun. "Alright what's the game plan? Go in guns blazin?"

"Maybe I should go in and see if I can find it myself." Castiel said quietly.

I eyed him. "Why do you get to have all the fun?"

"Because I am an angel of the lord."

"Of _Chuck_ come on, Cas. Enough. We go in as a family or not at all."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Okay, You take the back entrance, Cas and I will get the perimeter. But, listen man, don't make me have to go home and tell your daughter that you bit the dust."

I groaned. "Fine, fine. I'll be careful. Look, got my gun." I waved it. "My holy water is in my pocket, silver blade in my boot, I even got some sweet iron knuckles... I'm ready for anything. Let's get it."

We nodded, and I slowly crept my way around the mansion. I kept my eyes peeled for movement, but honestly it was all pretty quiet. The only sound was the wind whistling.

I climbed the stone steps to the back door, and tentatively reached for the brass knob. It turned easily.

" _Dean Winchester! Let me out! You really think this is going to work? You're a hairless monkey. Nothing more than Gods mistake."_

It was endless screaming inside my head. Michael, in my own fucking voice. He strangely sounded like my father.

He was so distracting. The screaming. The banging. The scratching against the door. It was so distracting that I wasn't concerned that the big house that supposedly had an Arsenal kept the back door unlocked. I was so distracted that I didn't hear the creak of the wood behind me. I didn't hear the step. There was just a swift pain, and then blackness.

 

Ella

 

We stopped to fill up the bike. I bent down on a stretch to touch my toes. My back cracked in response. "God that feels good."

"You look really sexy doing that." Claire said.

I eyed her from between my legs. "Take a picture, it lasts longer."

"You got it, sweet cheeks." She grinned, before turning back to the pump.

I pulled out my phone and dialed Dad again. The rings echoed in my bad like a bad pop song that was played way too damn much. _You've reached Dean. You know what to do. Beep._

"Hey Dad. It's me. I haven't heard from you in a few days, so I'm coming after you. I know you're gonna be pissed, but guess what? I'm pissed too. This is what family does. We come after each other. So I'll see you soon, and I hope you're okay." _Click._

"We will find them, Ellie." Jack said, taking off his helmet. His hair was sticking up all crazy, and I leaned in to tussle it back.

"I know we will."

Jack frowned, like he was annoyed with my hands in his hair and he batted me away. "The Winchesters are the strongest men I know, they will be okay."

"They're going to be mad that we came, if they're okay." I said crossing my arms.

"They will." Jack agreed before unexpectedly pulling me into a hug. "But they will be happy to see you. They always are. You make things better, Ellie. There's no sense in being scared or worried when you're around. You're like sunshine."

"He's right, ya know." Claire said with a smile. "Now what do you think, Winchester's? Ready to roll."

"Yup." Jack and I agreed together before sliding our helmets back on.

_I'm coming, Dad. Hold on tight. Don't give up just yet. I'm coming._

 

Dean

 

"Dean, wake up."

Her hands were on my cheeks, soft, and gentle, just like I remembered.

"Baby, open your eyes. Oh my god, Sam! He isn't waking up, can I get some help over here?"

My eyes fluttered open, I'd recognize that voice anywhere. "Ave?"

"Hey, hi... yes it's me." She breathed, holding my face in her hands "Hi."

"Hi back." I whispered before frowning. "You can't be here." I could hear Sam's words echoing in my head _Poughkeepsie._

"I am here."

"You can't be. You died.. I held you when you died."

"You've been poisoned, Dean."

"What?"

"Djinn poison." She said, standing on her tip toes to break me free from the restraints that had me hanging from the ceiling. "It took you. Think you were having a bad trip."

"What?"

"We really need to get you to the hospital." She said before unlatching my restraints. I fell to my knees with a loud _thump._ "Can you stand?" She crouched in front of me.

I looked at my hands. There was no age in them. I flexed my fingers. They didn't ache. _What the fuck?_

"Hey! Earth to Winchester!" Ava said, alarmed. "Come on, before it comes back."

I met her blue eyes. If it was real, we couldn't just run. "We need to take it down, Ave."

She rolled her eyes. "Come on, stubborn ass. Stop arguing. Sam's got it."

I gripped her shoulders, stopping her from turning away from me. "Ava, I want this to be real. _I do_ , but you died. Djinn don't give out bad acid trips. They want you to stick around inside your head while they suck you dry, so why would I want to stay in a world without you?"

She smiled back at me gently, one I'd seen a hundred times before. The blue of her eyes seemed to almost change color in front of me. They softened and she smiled a bit. "Dean, for you, you'd always question something good. I think they gave you something bad because it was more believable." She said quietly. "But can we talk about this when we are no longer in mortal danger?"

"Ava, did you get him? We've got company!"

"Yeah, I got him!" She yelled back to Sam before meeting my eyes. "I do have you, right? You're here? You're okay."

I looked myself over. I felt like shit and my muscles were sore from being strung up, but yeah. "Yeah. I'm here. Let's go."

I let her swing my arm over her shoulder and we went out to the car. She leaned me against it and patted down my pockets, looking for the keys.

"Woah, Sweetheart, now maybe isn't the right time." I grinned lamely, still feeling the weight of her death as if it were real.

She rolled her eyes again with a gentle laugh. "I need the keys, Dean Winchester. We can do some of _that_ later." She slid her hand into my pocket, and a little too close to the inside of my thigh before she pulled out the keys. "Bingo."

"Tease."

"Shut up." She countered before putting me into the passenger seat. "Sams got his own car. I'm taking you to the ER."

"Come on, Ave. I just need a beer, and I'll be good." I said, resting my hand on her thigh as she started the car.

"Respectfully, it isn't up to you." She said, eyeing her thigh before she pulled out of the parking lot. "So," she said quietly, glancing at me. "What'd you see?"

"Other than you dying?" I laughed weakly. "Sixteen fucking years without you."

"Wow, really? That's a long time, Dean." Her eyebrows came together. "You sure you still like me, after all of that?"

"Yeah!" I said a little too quickly. "Of course I do. What kind of question is that?"

She shrugged, idling at an intersection. "Anything weird happen in that sixteen years?"

"Well," I laughed. "Nel was dating Biker Barbie."

"Who?"

"Claire? Oh shit, um.. in my head she was Castiel's vessel's daughter."

Ava raised an eyebrow. "And who is the other person?"

"What?"

"You said that Nel is dating Biker Barbie... who is Nel?"

My blood ran cold, and suddenly my mouth felt really fucking dry. I stared at Ava. Really looked at her, from the top of her head, down her long curls, her arms, and down to the tips of her fingers. There was no wedding ring.

"Dean, you good?" She asked, her eyes wide. We were still stopped at the light despite the green signal to _go_.

"Uh... yeah. Shit. Sorry. What month is it?"

"March." She laughed, raising her eyebrow. "You sure you're okay? You're kind of freaking me out."

"I don't know." I admitted, feeling a hole in my stomach. She couldn't be in my imagination. I held her in my arms. I watched her grow up.

"So, who is Nel?"

We never broke up. She never got an anti possession tattoo. We never risked it. She never got pregnant. She never died. I never went to Hell.

My head was spinning.

"In my Djinn dream... she was... she was our daughter." I said, looking at my lap. It was too fucking early to tell her that. To tell her that I married her. That she fucked Sam. That she died not once, but twice in my arms. That I couldn't save her.

"We had a daughter?"

"Yeah."

I jumped when she busted up into laughter. "I'm sorry, but that's _insane_. Right?"

"Is it?"

"We're hunters, Dean. From what I can tell they aren't exactly the parenting type."

_No kidding._ I sighed. "Dunno, it ended up working out okay. She had a good life."

"You're not like, asking me to bare your children, are you?" She asked, alarmed, as we pulled into the hospital.

"No." I said quickly. "You're right. I've seen it play out." There was blood in our baby's mouth. I could stop that future from happening. I could stop Ava from dying. If she was never with Lacey and the baby she wouldn't have died in that church. My heart squeezed at the thought. "No kids in the cards for us."

"Okay, good." She said, sounding relieved. "We are just.. this is good. What we have." She reached out and touched my cheek with her open palm. "I'm not ready to share you. Sharing you with Sam is bad enough." She smiled widely.

_I know the feeling._ I sighed. "Let's get me checked out so I can have a fucking beer. I'm exhausted."

 

Ella

 

It was storming when we arrived at the large mansion. "So this is it, huh?" I asked, swinging my legs over the side of the bike.

"Looks like it." Claire said, gesturing to the Impala that was parked outside of the gate.

"No one bothered to even move it." I said quietly, my stomach clenching. That wasn't a good sign.

"Here." Claire said, handing me a weapon.

"What's the plan?" Jack asked, staring at Claire and I, as if we would have all the answers.

I had none. I had expected him to call by now. At this point I just hoped he was alive.

"I think we should check out the perimeter, and then see the best way in. If he's as dangerous as Cas said, then he may have traps." Claire said, her eyes already scanning the property.

"Do you think we should split up?"

Claire pressed her lips together in a tight line. "Honestly, El... I don't think you two should go at all, but we are kind of low on back up right now."

I reached for her hand and squeezed it. "I'll be careful." I promised. "But you can't bench me on this, he's my Dad. He's all I've got left."

She reached up, taking my face in her hands. "And _you're_ all I've got. So don't go getting hurt, or I'll kill you."

"Got it." I said, pressing my lips to hers. It was a promise. I couldn't let anything happen to me, because I knew what it felt like to lose someone, and I loved Claire. I couldn't do that to her, not again.

I turned to Jack. "You be careful, too, little brother. We have a kitten to get home, too. We would both miss you if something happened."

He nodded vigilantly. "I will stay alive."

"Good." I smiled, and with one more look, the three of us dissipated.

I watched Claire creep around the side of the house, and I made my way to the back. The wet soil squished under my boots. My weapon felt heavy in my hands. I could feel the weight of all of it. Of the possibilities of what I would find inside.

I closed my eyes. _Come on, Dad. Where are you?_

My eyes shot open, and I examined the windows on the side of the house. _What are the chances?_ I asked myself, as I slid my finger under the window. I pushed up slowly and it creaked open. I grinned widely, and grabbed either side of the screen, popping it out of place. _Idiots always leave their windows unlocked._

I slid my leg into the window and ducked inside, closing the window behind me. I didn't need to let anyone know that there was something off. The house felt eerily quiet, and my stomach dropped. I moved through the house with quiet feet on the plush carpet, unknowingly leaving wet footprints in my wake.

_If I was a creepy collector, where would I keep my possessions?_ My eyes scanned the living room filled with old, dusty furniture. There were large bookshelves covering the walls that reminded me of the ones in the bunker. I ran my fingers along the spines. The whole house felt a little too put together, despite the layer of dust that settled on every free surface.

Every free surface but one.

I ran my fingers along the coffee table, pulling them back to find not a speck of dust on my pale pink skin. "Bingo." I said quietly, pushing the table out of the way. I got down on my knees, shoving my gun in the back of my pants. I rolled the area rug away, to expose an old wooden trap door. _So fucking predictable bad guy behavior._ I rolled my eyes and slowly opened the heavy trap door.

I squinted down into the hole. There were old wooden stairs leading down into absolute blackness. _What we do for family_. I shook my head, getting out my gun and flashlight. My right hand rested on my left as my flashlight lit my way down the stairs, my gun pointed ahead of me.

_In, out, in, out, in, out_.

I tried to breathe, my finger resting on the trigger. I didn't want to scare and accidentally shoot someone, or something I shouldn't. My foot rested on the stone floor at the bottom of the long staircase, exposing a strangely high ceiling, and a large echoing room. I squinted in the darkness and let my flashlight scan the room. It looked void of people, and there was a pull string in the center of the ceiling that I assumed was connected to a hanging light bulb.

I reached forward and tugged gently. The lights flickered on to expose an open room. I blinked a few times, my eyes adjusting to the artificial light. "Holy shit." I whispered. There were dozens of shelves covered in magical items, and weapons. I walked along the edge of the room, wondering how they were organized. We thought the bunker had a lot, but this was a gold mine.

_The pearl._

I perked up almost immediately, and I quickly scanned the room looking for anything that could fit that description. There were spell books, knives, body parts in jars, but I didn't see any pearls.

My eyes landed on a glass case in the corner. I caught the gleam off a hanging necklace, and I immediately ran to it. There were enchanted earrings, rings, necklaces, and in the center was a perfectly round white pearl resting on a palm sided satin pillow.

My fingers curled around the knob on the door just to find it locked. I glanced around again, just to make sure I wasn't being watched, and I shrugged out of my leather coat. I wrapped it around my arm, to keep myself from being cut and to muffle the sound, and jabbed my elbow through the glass. I reached in, wrapping it in a tissue from my jacket, and pocketed the pearl. _He will not have come here for nothing._

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply a few times. _Come on, Dad._

" _Doc gave you a clear bill of health."_

" _Thank god. I need a beer."_

" _You and me both, babe."_

My eyes shot open. _Dad?_

 

Dean

 

" _Dad?"_

I looked around, my arm swung over Ava's shoulder as we walked out of the hospital.

"Sam said he will meet us at the bar. Djinn is taken care of." Ava said, glancing at her phone.

"Huh? Oh. Right."

"You sure you're good?"

I looked down at Ava. Her big blue eyes reflected the full moon. I tapped under her chin with my index finger. "Yeah, I'm good." I smiled. "How far is the bar? Let's walk."

She grinned widely. "You want to walk? You have brain damage for sure, Winchester."

"That's rude, Langston." I said bumping her with my hip. It felt weird not calling her Winchester. Felt weird that she wasn't my wife, even though I guess she never was.

"I'm a rude person, what can I say?" She wrapped her arms around me and reached up to kiss me.

I leaned down to meet her halfway. I forgot, in my time under, how short she really was. I ran my thumb across her jaw.

" _Dad? Can you hear me?"_

I raised an eyebrow. "Did you hear something?"

"No." Ava laughed, reaching up to touch my forehead. "Don't make me put you on bed rest."

"Will you be there?" I grinned at her. "Because if so... I definitely need some medical attention." I wiggled my eyebrows at her and she hit my chest playfully.

" _Dad you have to listen to me!"_

I turned behind me and squinted. A vague shape stood under the streetlight, but as I tried to make it out the light blinked out. "That's... uh.."

"What?" Ava turned.

"Sorry." I mumbled. "I think I'm seein shit. You may be right, maybe I've still got some Djinn juice in my system. Maybe we should skip the beer."

"You got it big guy." She rested her hand on my chest, directly over my heart.

" _Dad! Ugh! Dean Winchester!"_

"Okay I really heard it this time."

"Heard what?"

"My name." I squinted into the darkness, and like a fucking truck hit me I felt it. Hands on my shoulders from in front of me. A gentle shake. I looked down and saw nothing. "The fuck..."

" _Listen to me! God you can't be dead.. come on.. I can hear you!"_

I frowned. The voice sounded familiar, I just couldn't quite grasp it. "Who's there?"

"Dean? You're freaking me out..." Ava reached for my hand, but I ignored her stepping toward the street light. I glanced up and almost as if I willed it, the light flickered on, exposing a short girl in a leather jacket.

Her hair was mine. Her lips. The terror painted on her young face. Her name danced to my lips before I could even wonder who she was. "Eleanor?"

"You're safe." She said breathlessly before running and jumping directly into my arms.

"Hey.. how are you...?"

I blinked a few times.

It was a lie. It was all a lie. I buried my face in her hair, unsure of which reality was going to slip through my fingers at any given moment. Unsure of which one I wanted to.


	6. Dream a Little Dream of You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for.” - Practical Magic

 

Ella

 

"Dad!" I called out desperately.

I followed his thoughts, shoving the glass case out of the way, and pushing through a hidden door. He was hung from the fucking ceiling. There was an IV in his arm, that I quickly pulled out. I shook his shoulders a few times and he groaned in response.

"Hey, I've got you." I glanced around for something, anything, to break him out of the restraints. There was nothing. I could shoot him down, but he was an incapacitated six foot tall, two hundred pound man. There was no way I could drag him out of there. I had to wake him up.

My hands were shaking as I pressed my hands to his head. I focused hard. I closed my eyes tightly and probed the best I could. I had no idea if it'd work, but I had to try.

" _Eleanor?"_

_I could see him. "You're safe." He stood next to someone else, but I couldn't see anything but him. I didn't realize I was running, until the space between us was closed. I leapt into his arms._

_It didn't occur to me, before that moment, how solid he was. I wrapped my arms around him tightly. He was there. He was alive._

_I have to wake him up._

" _You... how are you..?"_

" _Hey, listen to me." I said, pulling away._

" _Dean?" I turned at the sound of a woman's voice. My blood ran cold. I saw her eyes first. Blue as the sky and glistening even in the darkness. They were large and filled with concern. I'd recognize those dark curls anywhere, and a nose that sat on my own face._

_My stomach flipped. "Mom?"_

" _Who is this?" She turned to Dad._

" _Ave... fuck." He looked confused, and the edges of his eyes were wet. He reached for her hand and squeezed it tightly. "This is Nel. This is... this is our daughter."_

" _I never had a daughter..." Mom said, avoiding looking at me. "I was never pregnant."_

" _Not yet." He said, his voice hitching in his throat._

_I stared at her, dumbstruck. She was so young. It was like she was cut directly out of my photographs of her. She was everything I imagined._

_Her eyes scanned to me and landed on my face. Her bottom lip trembled. "Eleanor.. after my mom."_

_My heart squeezed as I nodded, unsure what to say. Her eyes scanned from me, to Dean. "She looks like you." Her voice broke, and Dad grabbed her elbows to keep her steady._

" _Hey, easy."_

_It wasn't real. None of it was._

" _Eleanor..." She reached for me now, and I met her in the middle. I couldn't help it. How could I shy away from her? It was probably the only chance I'd ever get to meet her, after all. Dad let her go, and she gripped my forearms, her eyes catching mine._

" _Hi, Mom." I breathed, my eyes stinging._

_I could hear Dad suck in his breath. I knew if I looked at him his expression would likely match my own. He wanted me to meet her as much as I wanted to meet her._

_She reached forward and touched my cheek. "You're mine. Ours. I can tell."_

_It was all in Dad's head. I knew that, logically, but there was something solid in her touch. The warmth of her palm against my cheek. She was real, and alive in his memories. Even after all this time. "Mom..." She was so beautiful._

" _Are you happy?"_

_She caught a tear before it could escape my eye. "Yes."_

_She looked to Dad. "Is he?"_

" _He misses you."_

_Mom smiled a bit, and it looked sad. "I didn't get to see you grow up."_

" _Don't be sad." My heart squeezed. "I had a good life. I have a good life with Dad."_

_Dad came up behind Mom and put his arms around her, holding her tightly. He looked like he was holding her together, but in truth, her back pressed against his chest was keeping him from collapsing._

_My eyes flickered to his. They were glowing green, and red against the edges. "Dad.. .this isn't real." I said, my heart breaking along with his. "I... I want it to be, but it isn't. Mom's dead. She has been my whole life."_

_Her hand moved from me and she turned to look at Dad, her expression full of fear. "Don't.. Dean don't leave me."_

_He wrapped his arms around her more tightly, cradling the back of her head. "Shh, Hey. I've got you. It's okay."_

" _Dad." I said a little louder. We were running out of time._

" _I know, El, give me a sec okay." He intertwined his fingers with her curls and pulled her closer, his face in her hair. "Hey, Sweetheart, I've got you. I love you, you know that? Always did."_

_I watched him with her. He held her tight, despite knowing it wasn't real. I realized in that moment, watching him with her, why he never dated. I understood, finally, that a part of him died with her that day. The part that allowed himself to love another person so uniquely and fully. I could tell in the twitch of his lip that he loved her differently than me, than Sam, Cas, or Jack. I wanted him to have that. I wanted us to have this._

" _Hey, Hey. We don't do that." He said, pulling away wiping her tears with his thumbs._

" _Easy for you to say, big cry baby." She said, reaching up to wipe his own tears._

" _Hey.. I'm not cryin. It's just the rain." He said, not bothering to look up at the empty, cloudless sky._

" _The rain.. like the first night you told me you wanted this. All of it."_

" _Exactly like that." He ran his thumb along her jaw and leaned in to kiss her._

_I suddenly felt like I was witnessing something private, so I let my mind pull back a bit. We'd been in here too long. I heard it, then. The banging. The scratching. Yelling. Micheal._

" _Dad.. we've gotta." I turned to them._

" _I know." He said softly, his eyes never leaving Moms. "I'm sorry that I have to leave you again, Sweetheart. Seems like we're always doin that, aren't we?"_

_She nodded, her lips trembling. "Guess we are."_

_He leaned down, capturing her lips in his for one more, deep, and long kiss. He pulled away after a moment, pressing his forehead to hers._

_Goodbye is always the hardest part. The endings. I didn't realize I was crying until I tasted salt on my lips. I licked the tear away and reached a hand out for him. "Come on, Dad. It's time."_

" _Okay." He whispered, his voice pained. "Okay." He let her go, and turned, taking my hand. A cool breeze picked up her hair, seeming to swirl around her as she watched us leave, lips open with the words she wanted to say. Words that Dad couldn't hear. It was his head, after all, and I got the impression that they never got to say goodbye. Not really._

I pulled my hands away from Dad's temples, returning to the normal world. I felt like I was going to fall over, pass out and sleep for a week. Probing his mind took every ounce of energy I had, plus some extra.

He stirred a bit.

"Hey, Dad. You're doing good. I'm here, come on."

I gasped as two rough hands gripped my shoulders, yanking me backwards. I didn't have a chance to look at my attacker before fingers curled into my hair and slammed my head against the wall, knocking me unconscious.

 

Dean

 

"The fuck?" I came to, my vision still peppered along the edges as I pulled myself into consciousness. El was in my head. She brought me back. I wanted Ava back so badly that I easily believed the lie. Again. I shook my head, trying to keep myself from slipping back out of consciousness.

"I've heard about you, Dean Winchester." A low voice boomed from across the room. "You've had your hands in all the honey pots. Hell, Purgatory, Heaven, you've had the Mark of Cain, you've been a demon and now... an arc angel is locked inside of you. That sounds like the perfect addition to my collection. Let's let him out, shall we?"

"No thanks." I grunted, pulling at my restraints. I was hanging by my wrists from the ceiling, and fuck did it hurt. "Trust me, you don't want to meet Micheal. He's a dick."

A dark laugh came from across the room. I squinted, trying to assess my surroundings. I was in a fucking concrete room. The only light seemed to be right in my eyes, leaving the rest of the room in shadow. "We'll see, won't we?"

"What'd you do with my brother? You need a giant to add to your little collection, too?"

"I was going to use him for leverage." The main stepped out of the darkness, holding a blade in his hand. The tip rested on the pad of his index finger, and he spun it, not pressing hard enough to break the skin. He had stark white hair, but even with his age his skin was mostly smooth and pale. "But then, imagine my surprise when I found this little bunny."

He turned and pushed out a gurney. The wheel squeaked, and whined. My breath hitched in my throat as Eleanor's face came into view under the light. Blood ran down her face from where she clearly was hit. "Motherfucker I will _kill you!_ " I shouted, fighting against my chains.

"Aw, no you won't, but I will kill her. Your daughter, right?"

A hot, angry tear rolled down my cheek as I realized I was too fucking weak to break out. The poison was still pulsing through my veins. "Hey... hey, fuck face." I groaned, jingling the chains, trying to get his attention. "She... she's psychic." I bit out. "Don't hurt her. Won't she be a good addition to your collection?"

We would get out of this, but fuck I had to keep her alive until we could.

"Psychic?" He raised an eyebrow. "Is that what she was doing when I came in? With her hands on your head?"

"Yes."

"She doesn't need her fingers to use her brain." He decided after some careful silence.

"What?" My voice was pained, as I watched him run the blade down her arm, not slicing her, not yet.

He lifted up her hand. "You don't even need all ten fingers. You know that?"

He was going to cut off her fucking fingers.

"Sammy!" I shouted out desperately. I didn't know what to do. Micheal couldn't come out of my head. He would destroy the planet. I couldn't resist, though, or Nel would have nubs where her fingers were supposed to be.

"He can't hear you, Dean." He man, Larkin, said with a laugh. "Sorry to say, the Winchester's have been less than impressive to me."

Larkin ran the blade against her arm again, slicing into it now. She groaned in her sleep, and I wanted to look away. I wanted to, but I couldn't. My daughter. My fucking baby. I wanted to kill him. "I'm going to gut you, you fucking bastard!" I screamed out. "It's okay, Nel. I'm here!" I shouted out desperately. I just hoped she wouldn't wake up. I hoped that she'd stay passed out, so maybe she'd miss the pain. I'd still love her even if she had nubs for fingers.

My eyes were so focused on the blade against her skin and the pull of the metal chains against my wrist, and the ache of my shoulders as I tried to push close enough to her to help. To fight. To hold her. To do fucking _anything_ other than be a helpless goddamn rag doll.

I was so focused on the look on her face, and the blood pooling on her arms, that I didn't hear the click. I didn't see her step out of the shadows. "Get away from my fucking girlfriend." Claire Novak said, before she pressed on the trigger and blew Larkin away. A perfect shot right between his eyes. He fell back, his face frozen in shock.

I let out a sob I didn't know I was holding, and I slumped a bit.

"Claire, check her out. Make sure she's okay."

"Hey, Ella." She said, already ahead of me. "What'd I say about not getting hurt? You Winchester's, so goddam stubborn." She held her face, and Nel didn't respond.

"Fuck, Claire, is she alive?" I asked, my voice shaking.

Claire pressed two fingers to her pulse point and after a moment she let out a breath of relief. "She's alive, but her pulse is a little weak. We need to get her to the hospital. You too." She looked at me for the first time. "You look like shit."

"We need to find Sammy and Cas." I said weakly.

"Jacks already working on untying them."

"You three are the rescue squad?"

Claire shrugged. "Saved your asses, so yeah. Guess we are."

"Fuckin hell." I shook my head. "You did good, kid."

————————

We got to take Nel home the next day. She had a concussion, and four stitches on her forehead from when she was hit, and six on her arm.

"Come on, fighter." I said, leading her into the kitchen. "Want me to make you something? You're supposed to eat with the pain pills."

"I don't want the pain pills." Nel rolled her eyes. "I'm fine, really."

Claire's eyes met mine and she shrugged. It's hard raising an independent woman, when all I wanted to do was smother her so she could never get hurt again.

"Alright, fine. You got it." I turned to grab a beer from the fridge.

"Dad?" She squeaked, and I turned to her. Claire and Jack were settling next to her, Sam, and Cas followed us in carrying our duffle bags.

"Yeah?"

She reached into her pocket and held out a small white sphere. Lackluster in the dim lights of the bunker. "Got this for you."

"Is that?"

"The Pearl." She said, softly, rolling it in her fingers.

"Shit." I exhaled, I glanced at Sam. It looked uneventful, like a piece of plastic. I cleared my throat awkwardly. "So, what do I..?"

Sam shrugged, eyeing the pearl. "I don't know. I guess you hold the pearl and I don't know. Concentrate on what your heart desires?"

I grunted. "Michael outta my head. Got it." I reached for the pearl, but before I could take it in my hand and the lights flickered. "That doesn't seem like a good sign." I commented gently. The lights clicked off with a groan, leaving us painted in the red emergency lights. I pinched the bridge of my nose. "This is why we don't get our hopes up." I said with a sigh.

"Ow, what the..." Sam said stumbling forward.

"Sammy what?"

It happened so fast.

"Something hit me!" Sam said, turning quickly, only to get his feet knocked out from underneath him.

I pulled my gun out from the back of my pants and clicked off the safety. My eyes scanned the dark room. "Come out you son of a bitch." I growled, suddenly wondering if Micheal _was_ out of my melon after all. _Not exactly what I was asking for._ I groaned internally. Maybe I didn't have to touch the Pearl.

"Dad?" El asked, her voice weak.

My knees buckled as I was hit from behind. I fell forward, cursing internally for letting myself be distracted. I rolled onto my back, my gun pointed up at my attacker.

"Dean." Sam said breathlessly.

The lights flickered back on, the fluorescent lights of the bunker humming gently.

She hovered over me, her black curls falling into her face. She squinted in the light, her blue eyes adjusting to the change. She wore her favorite sweatshirt. I recognized it, but it couldn't... she couldn't be. My head was spinning.

"Dean?" She asked after a moment.

_Fuck, she looks exactly the same._

I couldn't bring myself to answer.

"Sam?" Her eyes peeled from me and trailed up to my brother.

"Dean." Sam responded, bewildered.

I sat up, slowly standing on weak legs. "Ava."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early update folks! The story is heating up again :) lmk what you think!


	7. Sixteen Years and One Love Later

Dean

 

Time stopped. I swear to God everything just stopped. My breath in my throat. Blood in my veins. The air was thick and everything just fucking stopped.

Her lips were open slightly to let out a shaking breath. Her blue eyes were wide, in shock, and trailing my face through dark eyelashes. She wore her police academy sweatshirt, and her hair hung at her shoulder like the last night I saw her. Fuck she looked exactly the same. Her face was young. I was speechless.

I was still poisoned by the djinn. Had to be.

She leaned over me and whispered my name again, running her thumb over the wrinkles around my eyes. "Dean."

"This isn't real." I didn't know why else to say.

"Dad." El said cautiously, but I ignored her. I could peel my eyes away from Ava. She poofed in here out of thin air. How far did this djinn rabbit hole go?

"Get off me." I said suddenly. I looked around, my eyes darting rapidly. Where was I? When did we get back to the bunker? "Get the fuck off of me!" I wailed, putting hands on either side of her to gently push her away.

It didn't take long for her to scramble off of me and back up cautiously. "Okay motherfucker. You got me. I'm ready to talk." I shouted angrily, my fists clenching.

My brother and Cas stared at me with tight jaws. Like I was going insane. They were in my head. It was all in my head. "Come on!" I screamed, grabbing the back of a chair. I raised it above my head and threw it as hard as I could. It clattered and broke against the wall of the bunker. El let out a scream, and I watched Claire pull her against her chest. El buried her face in Claire's shoulder, her hand opening, and the white pearl bounced onto the floor, settling at her feet.

"Dean." Cas murmured, in front of me. I turned to him and he pressed two fingers to my forehead. "I'm sorry."

 

——————-

 

I was still drunk with sleep, but I could feel a tickle on my nose. "Daddy."

I sniffled a bit, feeling her finger run along the bridge of my nose. She knew I was grumpy when I woke up, so she always approached cautiously. She had since she was little. "Eleanor?" I groaned, my eyes fluttering open.

"Dad, I'm so sorry." Her voice broke. She was crouching by the bed so she could be face to face with me. "I messed up."

"What are you talking about?" I rubbed my eyes, sitting up slowly. I wasn't sure when I fell asleep, but it was heavy on my eyelids.

"I was holding the pearl..." She got up to sit next to me, and I put my legs over the edge of the bed. "I was waiting to give it to you, and I don't know... I couldn't stop thinking about all that you've lost, all that we've lost... I kept picturing the way you looked at her in your dream. I didn't mean to... I should've wished for Micheal, but I didn't even know I was wishing..." She was rambling. Her eyes were red, as they threatened to spill over with tears.

"Hey, slow down." I said, pushing her hair behind her ear. I was still so tired.

"I didn't mean to bring her back." Her voice broke.

I stared at her and everything came back to me in a rush. Ava. "You.. you did it?"

"I'm so sorry." Ella cried harder, burying her face in her hands.

The pearl. The mother fucking magic pearl brought her back. It brought her back just as she was sixteen years ago when I lost her. I grabbed her face in my hands. "Eleanor Mary Winchester, don't you ever apologize for that. Don't ever apologize for that." I repeated.

She nodded in her tears, looking unbelievably relieved. "You aren't mad?"

"No. Honey, I'm not mad. Of course I wanted Micheal gone, but Ava... your mom, it's more than I could've ever dreamed for."

"Me too." She whispered, selfishly.

I pulled my daughter into my arms. She was so grown up, but in that moment she seemed so small. I could see her like she was five years old again, cuddled into my chest. I kissed her hair, breathing her in before I whispered. "Where is she?"

She looked up at me, and I saw her mouth moving, but I didn't hear her. Before I knew it I was running.

I stood in front of the room Sam and Cas laid her down in, and suddenly I couldn't move. I wasn't the man she left behind sixteen years ago. I was old, jaded, I had a fucking Arc Angel in my melon. I wasn't exactly husband material anymore. I was a mess, at best. How could I go in there and tell her hi, we pulled you from Heaven for this. Surprise! I wasn't sure it'd go over well. I wasn't sure if she even wanted to be back. I just wasn't sure.

I took a deep breath, and let it out. More than anything, though, I wanted to see her. I pulled the door open slowly. She was asleep on the bed, looking peaceful. My heart squeezed at the sight of her.

Part of me wondered if this wasn't real. If I was still poisoned, but my head was clear for the first time in a long ass time. I was focused. She was here.

I walked to her and pulled up a chair next to her bed. She could've been a Disney princess sleeping, awaiting Prince Charming. I wondered if I should kiss her, but I worried that it'd scare her, and that was the last thing I wanted to do.

Ava groaned a bit in her sleep, and I watched her eyes move behind her lids. I watched her breath hitch in her throat, as she slowly opened her eyes. They looked unfocused and filled with sleep. She was so much more beautiful than I ever remembered her. My old man brain was pulling from pictures, but her face was so much more in person.

"Hey." I said cautiously.

She blinked a few times and sat up slowly. Her hand went to her back and she pulled it in front of her, and looked at her palm, then me. "Hey back." She swallowed and looked around slowly. "Where.. where are we?"

She squinted, and I suddenly realized how this must look. The concrete room looked like a fucking prison. Despite Ella living here, we didn't exactly have a women's touch. "It's a bunker. We live here."

"We... we live here? We have a house, Dean, and this isn't it."

My heart squeezed. "I haven't lived in that house in a long time, Ave."

"I can't be here anymore, Sam." I said, bouncing a screaming Eleanor in my arms.

"This is your house, Dean. I thought we agreed to let Nel live a normal life."

"Listen to me, Sammy." I snapped. I hadn't slept more than an hour since Ava died, and it wasn't just because I was taking care of a baby without a mom. "I can't be here anymore. Not without her. This is her house I made for her... it's not mine without her."

"A long time..." Then it was like she was seeing me for the first time in the low light from the bedside lamp. "Dean what happened? I was in that church... and then I woke up in a strange place in the dark."

I couldn't say it. I couldn't tell her that I lost her. Not again.

"What aren't you saying?" She asked, her eyes searching my face. She reached forward and touched my cheek. "You look different..."

"Older." I said, finally.

"Yeah." She said, running her thumb over the wrinkles around my eyes.

Suddenly I felt the weight of my age. Of every age line. Of the scars on my body from Purgatory, and the Mark of Cain. All the sacrifices. All the scars she couldn't see. I wasn't the same Dean Winchester that she remembered, but somehow, looking at her, I felt like him again. I felt like no time had passed.

"How much older are you?"

I closed my eyes, avoiding her gaze. "Sixteen years. It's been sixteen years since I lost you, Ave."

I opened my eyes, and was met with her blue ones welling over with tears. Her bottom lip was trembling. "How?"

"Lacey... she... she fucking stabbed you." I ran my hands over my face. "I couldn't... I couldn't save you... I'm so sorry. By the time I got to you you were almost gone."

"What about Nel? Is she.. oh god.. please tell me she isn't.."

"Hey, no. She... Nel is great." I smiled weakly, taking her hands. "She's perfect."

A wave of relief washed over her face, but beyond her eyes I could still see her trying to piece together what I was telling her. "She's almost seventeen, and she's going to graduate early. She's smart... just like her mom." She met my eyes and tears bled down her cheeks.

Fuck it. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to me. She melted into my arms, and I tangled my fingers in her hair. "I've got you." I whispered into her hair as she let it all out. I felt my own body racked with sobs right along with her.

We were holding each other up, like we always had. She'd always been my rock, there was no denying that. She held me up at my worst, and gave me a whole new life. I just hoped the new one I was about to give her would be one worth having. She pulled back and looked at me with bloodshot eyes. They looked so blue, almost turquoise since she'd been crying. "Sixteen years... god." She exhaled and then her grip tightened on my arms. "How did you bring me back? How am I here? Dean, what did you do?"

My eyes landed on hers. I couldn't tell her about Micheal, not yet. "It was Nel. She had this magical pearl that could grant your inner desire. Guess instead of Taylor Swift tickets, she wanted her mom back. Who knew? Teenagers are so unpredictable." I shrugged, trying to act like it wasn't a huge deal.

"Just like that? No consequences? She pulled me out of.."

"Where exactly were you, Ave?"

"I don't know." She said quietly. "I'm telling you, I was in your arms in that church and then I was here."

I shook my head. "I don't know if there are consequences, but fuck, if I'm being honest, I don't really care. All I've wanted since I lost you was this.. I couldn't say it out loud. I couldn't want it, but I did."

"So you didn't... you didn't remarry?"

I didn't mean to laugh, but it came out of my mouth before I could stop it. "Fuck no. Didn't even date. You're it for me, Ave. always have been."

Ava let out a shaky breath. "That makes me sad."

"What does?"

"That you've been alone all this time. That Nel hasn't had a mother..."

"Listen, Sweetheart, Nel is enough for me. She was enough work, and there was no one who could've replaced you. No one, but I did have Cas and Sam. We were a parenting team."

"Cas? The angel?"

"A lot has changed." I admitted. "Cas is family. He's my best friend."

She touched her head like it was spinning.

"Hey, you good? Is this too much? I can slow down..."

"It's a lot." She admitted, meeting my eyes. "You look so... so sad, Dean. Your eyes." She stared to cry again touching the bags under my eyes. "Christ, I thought you didn't sleep before..."

I placed my hand over hers and I leaned into her touch. "I'm not good at sleepin alone."

"I feel like I missed so much... like I missed a lifetime."

"We get a second chance, Ave." I said quietly. "I don't want to dismiss what you're feeling... I know how I felt coming back from Hell and seeing what I missed, and fuck that was just four months."

"I guess I'm just... I'm in shock. It feels like no time has passed, but then I see you..."

My heart sinks, and I let her go. This wasn't what she signed up for. I'm a forty three year old man looking at a woman who isn't even thirty. When she left she had a baby, and a man her own age, and now she had a teenager she didn't get to raise, and a fucking grandpa who lives like a bachelor with two other dudes and Satans kid. It wasn't exactly what I promised her when we got married. I needed to stop assuming that she wanted this. That she wanted me. "I know... I'm not what you left behind. I'm old." I smiled weakly. "Can't keep up as well as I used to. Sure as Hell crankier than I used to be." I laughed. "Due for a few grays, I'm sure."

"Hey." She grabbed my hand. "Look at me."

I turned my eyes to her, anticipating the inevitable.

"You're so fucking beautiful. You have always been beautiful, Dean Winchester. God, if I would've known you would age this well... I don't think I would've believed it. John was always handsome, so I knew my chances were good, but you. Wow, you take my fucking breath away. I'm not even being dramatic, either, I'm actually downplaying it." She smiled widely. This big, beautiful, light up my world kind of smile. "I don't care that you're older. The only thing I care about is that I didn't get to grow old with you. I can't imagine all you had to go through alone, and I'll never be able to forgive myself for missing it all."

 


	8. You’re the One

Ella

 

Seeing my mother standing in front of me, living and breathing was keeping me awake. I rolled over in bed to stare at the ceiling. "You're restless." Claire said with a yawn. "Turn out the light, babe." She reached over and ran her finger along the bridge of my nose.

"I can't."

"What's on your mind?"

"Other than the obvious?" I laughed dryly.

"More like, more specifically."

Clementine groaned in her sleep between us, and I reached down and scratched between her ears. She purred happily in response and cuddled closer to me. "More specifically... I have so many things bouncing around inside of my head." I rolled onto my side to look at Claire in the darkness. Her blue eyes seemed to glow in the darkness. "My Mom is back."

"She is."

"It's all I've wanted my whole life. I've wanted to _know_ her."

"Now you get the chance." She said quietly, pushing my hair behind my ear. "So what's really bothering you?"

"Things are never easy for us, Claire. _Never_. We don't get to just have happy endings. Micheal is still inside of Dad, and honestly, I don't know anything about Mom. What if she's a nightmare? You remember what it was like when Grandma Mary came back... How disappointed Dad was."

"You're worried she won't live up?"

"Kind of. Or that I won't live up won't live up to what she expected me to be."

"You're the best person I know, Ella. You don't need to worry about that."

"But I do." I said quietly, my voice breaking. "This has been my birthday wish my whole life. To see my Dad happy. To have a Mom, and fuck... what if it doesn't fix everything?"

"She's just a person, El. You can't put that much pressure on her. She probably won't fix everything, but that doesn't mean that you can't have the things you want. Plus, I know she will love you. If not, she's probably missing her soul."

"You're a pretty big softie, for a badass hunter."

"Yeah, yeah. You do that to people." She smiled widely. "It's hard not to be all gooey around Eleanor Winchester."

"Gross don't say my full name. I feel like I'm in trouble."

"Oh, sweetie, you are in trouble." Claire grinned, wrapping her arms around me. She pulled me to her, taking my lips against hers in an urgent kiss. She was warm, and soft. She was present. It was hard to feel like anything could be wrong in the world when I was this close to Claire. Her lips were still minty from brushing her teeth, and I breathed her in. My fingers tangled in her curls as I ran my tongue along her bottom lip.

"Mmmm. Punish me then."

"I wonder if this is what your parents are doing." Claire mumbled against my mouth, causing me to yank away from her.

"What? _Gross_! I can't believe you. Just said that!"

She busted up into laughter. "What did you expect to happen, Nel? You thought they were just going to hold hands? I'm sure that's why they're locked in that bedroom. What did you think they were doing?"

"Honestly? I don't know... talking. Figuring their shit out. God, you think they just jumped into bed?" I didn't know why the thought was so disturbing to me. Claire was right, it was what I wanted. I wanted my Dad to be happy, but more than anything I wanted him to have the love of his life back. I wanted him to have what I had with Claire. I just hadn't considered sex, not really.

"I don't know." She admitted, opening her arms back. "Don't think too hard about it."

"It's all I'm going to think about now." I complained. "You planted a seed."

"Aw, stop, you little perv." She smiled and wiggled her fingers in a _come here_ way.

I rolled my eyes and cuddled back into her arms. Back where I felt safe. "God, I can't believe you brought up my parents having sex."

Claire shrugged. "I don't know. I think it's kind of sweet."

"Maybe, but still really fucking gross."

 

Dean

 

I wanted to kiss her. _Fuck_. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to take her into my arms like she never left, and memorize her body all over again. I wanted to kiss her, but it wasn't about what I wanted. The playing field wasn't level. It was like we were meeting for the first time all over again. She was Ava. She was a fucking angel, beautiful, perfect, and I was a fuck up. I was some old guy that'd been through his fair share of shit storms in the last decade and a half. She deserved to know it all before she was back back.

"I...I've missed you, Ave. More than I thought I could ever miss another person, but I think you deserve all of the facts before you decide."

"Decide? What is there to decide?"

"If this is what you want. If I...fuck, I'm not the same Dean Winchester you left. I don't even know that guy anymore." I admitted, through clenched teeth. "I just don't want you to feel obligated. To me, I mean. You have to see Nel... she's a fucking gift. Best thing I've ever done, Ave. You're gonna love her."

"So, what? You're going to lay out all the cards and then we just decide if we are going to stay married or get a divorce?"

"We've both been legally dead a few times over, Sweetheart, I don't think a divorce will be necessary."

"What do you want, Dean?" She asked me, seriously.

"It doesn't matter."

She smiled slightly and rolled her eyes. "You say you're different, but you seem the same to me." She took my hand in hers. "It matters. If I want to stay, and you don't want me to, then I won't. You're not obligated to me, either."

My eyes met hers. A sea of blue. An endless sky. Looking at her was a fucking Summer's day at the lake with Nel. Sammy teaching her to catch fish while I finish of a twelve pack by myself. It was s'mores in the night time, and stories dancing around the fire. Castiel telling us about the creation of the fucking world. Her eyes were home.

"I'm not obligated to you, Ava, I'm in love with you."

"After all this time?"

"What time?" I reached forward and brushed her cheek. "Time stopped when I lost you."

"It didn't stop, Dean. No time has passed for me." She murmured, her lips barely moving. "But for you... you've had an entire life without me. I want to know all about it."

"Okay." I ran my thumb across her cheekbone. "Fuck I don't even know where to start."

I caught a tear as it escaped her eye. "Start with Nel."

I smiled widely. "That's a pretty damn good place to start." I pressed my forehead to hers. "Come to my room?"

"Dean Winchester, are you trying to seduce me?"

"Actually, no." I smiled a bit. "I just have some things I think you'd like to see."

"Okay." She murmured, putting her hand in mine. I lead her through the hallway and opened my bedroom door.

"Welcome to my humble abode."

"It's..." She ran her fingers along my plain red comforter. "It needs a woman's touch." She turned and smiled at me. "Its very Dean."

"Thank you?" I raised an eyebrow.

She lowered herself onto my bed in a seated position. "What did you want to show me?"

I crouched down in front of the book shelf against the back wall and pulled out the baby books. "I tried my hand at scrapbooking." I explained with a dry laugh. "I sucked, but Cas was weirdly good at it. So... well we got this." I handed her one of the books and sat down next to her.

 

Ava

 

I couldn't say the words out loud. It was like I blinked. I blinked into another world. There I was, running my fingers over the front of a scrapbook that Dean Winchester put together. I wondered if the monsters knew that he cut letters out of patterned paper. I opened the book, and sucked in my breath. "Oh, Dean."

Photos of me and Sam the day Eleanor was born.

Every page tore at my heart a little more. Hand written scribbles next to photographs of Dean holding a toddler Eleanor with teeth poking through her pink gums. Tiny pigtails and perfect braids. Bows in her hair.

"Is this the bunker?" I asked, looking at a picture of Eleanor sitting on Sam's shoulders with her arms in the air in front of a weird building that was half under ground.

"Yeah." He said quietly, his thigh brushing mine. "It's weird, but it's home."

"How did you find it?"

"It's a weird story, actually." He laughed dryly. "We came across a demon... a Knight of Hell actually, and along with her came my Grandfather. Like through a portal." He raised an eyebrow.

"Weird, but not that weird for us. Go on."

He nodded. "Apparently back in the day there was a group of guys called The Men of Letters, kind of like hunters, but instead they read a lot of books. Kind of like Sammy."

"And this was, what? Their headquarters?"

"Basically."

"So you thought you'd move in?"

Dean shrugged. "Seems like as good of a place as any. It's safe, full of lore, in a good school district." He offered a bright smile.

He looked so good.

"What else?" I smiled, peeling my eyes away from him and back to the book. I flipped the pages. Stickers of angel babies, ketchup stains, Eleanor's kindergarten graduation. "What do the pictures not say?"

"She has a girlfriend."

I raised my eyebrows and met his bright eyes. "A... girlfriend?"

"Yeah. Cute little blonde."

"Huh. Is she nice?"

"She's great. Strong. A little edgy. She's a hunter."

"Dean Winchester!" I gasped, hitting his arm with an open palm. "You let her date a hunter? Are you fucking bananas?"

"No? Ow. Ave, she is your daughter. I can't stop her from doing anything. She's stubborn."

"She's a Winchester." I agreed with a sigh. "She would always be stubborn."

We looked at each other. There were years worth of pain behind his eyes. Pain that I wasn't sure I could heal. "Our girl is all grown up."

"She's amazing." He said quietly.

I pressed my lips together, trying to find the words. "Lacey was a demon, and I trusted her. It's all my fault that she got that demon blood, Dean. Has it..."

"Yeah. Yeah it has. Just manifested, actually. She's sort of... psychic, I guess. She can read minds sometimes. She pulled me out when I was stuck in a delusion."

"So she isn't..."

"Dark side?" He shook his head. "The exact opposite. She is the light, Ave. She's all light."

I covered my mouth to let out a sob that had been bubbling up inside of me. _She's okay._

"Hey, shh." He pulled me against his chest, and I let it all go. Snot and all. "Ave, what's wrong?"

"She's okay... She's healthy, smart, happy. I'm so happy." I was heartbroken for missing her childhood, but Dean was a good father. He was everything I knew he could be. "I'm so glad she has you."

He kissed my hair gently, like he used to. "I was glad to have her. I think I would've lost it if I didn't have her to take care of."

"I know the feeling." I admitted, looking up at him. "You keep saying you've changed. That you aren't the same man I knew, but... But I know you, Dean. You're the same."

"I've just been through some shit, Ave."

"What shit?"

He let go of me and looked away. I could see the muscles in his back tense under his shirt. He was struggling. I reached forward and touched his shoulder, he flinched in response. "You can tell me." I murmured. I already knew what he did in Hell, what could be worse than that?

"The short version? I started the apocalypse, let Lucifer out of his cage, let him posses Sammy... Sam tossed himself into Hell to protect the world from Lucifer. He came back, with his soul gone. Fucking gone, Ave. He wasn't Sammy anymore. Cas went looney tunes a time and again. There were all of these Leviathan creatures that we had to take out. When we cut off the head, metaphorically, Cas and I got blown to Purgatory."

My head was spinning. " _The_ Purgatory?"

"It was awful. I was there for a year, and Sam was here, playing Dad to Nel. That's probably the most normal her life ever was, but she was still pretty young."

I swallowed hard. "Are you okay?"

"It's been awhile." He said with a smile that told me, no. He was not okay. "Then... then uh..."

_There's more?_

I tried to hold it together, and wait for him to gather his thoughts. "I got the Mark of Cain. Which made me this horrible killing machine..." His hands curled into fists as he tired to level his breathing. "I did it to kill Abaddon. The demon that came in with my Granadad?"

I nodded slowly and reached my hand out to him.

He took it willingly, and gave it a squeeze. "And then... then I died." His eyes flickered to mine. I didn't move. I remained emotionless. He died, but he was in front of me.

"What was the catch?"

"The catch... I woke up as a demon." He winced.

"You're not... _now_ right?"

"No. Sammy cured me."

"A cure? For demons?"

"That's what you're stuck on?" He laughed and ran his fingers through his hair. "Yeah, theres a cure for a lot of shit that we didn't know about before."

"Okay, we can come back to that later." I exhaled a shaky breath. "Is that... it?"

"No. I got rid of the Mark of Cain, and it let out darkness... which is Gods sister. Oh shit, Ave. You remember Chuck?"

"The guy who wrote the Supernatural books?"

"Yeah, him. Well... funny story... he's God."

I couldn't control my face anymore. "Like _God_ God. _The_ God?"

"Yup."

"What the actual fuck?"

"Yup."

"He was ridiculous! He was wearing a bathrobe when we met him."

"Sure was."

"You weren't kidding." I shook my head. "Wow, So wait. God has a sister?"

"Yup. She was locked away in my arm making me fucking bananas. So when Rowena, this bad ass witch we know, got the mark off of me it sent the darkness out into the world. It was pretty touch and go for awhile, but turns out that her and Chuck just needed some sibling bonding time."

"Okay?" I raised an eyebrow, feeling like he had to be downplaying all of that.

"She had a thing for me."

"The darkness?" I asked, and he nodded with a shrug. "Of course she did."

"So she gave me something when we got her back with Chuck." I watched his Adam's apple bob in his throat as he swallowed. "She brought my mom back."

I stared at him. I tried to take in everything he was saying. His _mom_. "Mary?"

"Yeah." He smiled wide. "She's staying at Bobby's cabin right now, for some R and R."

"Bobby! How is he?" I asked, brightly. "I bet he's feeling older than ever after all of this..." My eyes landed on Dean's. His jaw was tight and at the mention of Bobby his eyes were red along the edges. I knew that look. "He... he died?"

"I'm so sorry, Ave. During all the Leviathan shit. It's... it's been a long time."

"But your mom is at his cabin?"

"Oh... well shit, there's more."

"More?" I felt sick to my stomach.

"Not much." He promised, quietly. His forehead was wrinkled. He could see right through my skin. Into the cracks that hide below the surface. I feared that he knew I was about to break. "Lucifer had a child. A Nephilim, is what they call them. A half human half angel."

"The antichrist?"

"That's what I thought, but no. The kid is good. He came out as a full grown teenager." He laughed dryly. "Weird little fucker, but we are trying to raise him. Nel is such a good sister to him. It's pretty incredible."

My eyes flickered to him. Another child. "How old is he?"

"Two."

"Hmm."

"When he was born it ripped a hole in our world. Into another version of earth. One that I never existed in... one where Dad died a long time ago. Before he ever met my Mom. Mom got stuck over there with Jack, the kid, and when we got them out a bunch of others came through with them. An alternate Bobby, and a few others that we lost in our world. It's kind of bonkers, but I just didn't want you to be surprised when you saw him. He's not your Bobby."

I nodded and ran my tongue along my bottom lip. "What else?"

"That's it." He said, sucking in his breath. I could tell he was waiting. Waiting for the other shoe. Waiting for me to run, but I think he forgot, after all of this time, that I am a Winchester. We don't run.

"That's a lot." I admitted slowly, my eyes trailing from his lips, nose, eyes. I locked my eyes to his. "I know what I want, Dean."

"And?"

"You. You fucking idiot. It's always been you." I grabbed his face in my hands. The scruff on his cheek scratched against my palm. "You've aged. You have scars that I don't recognize, but I'll learn them. I've memorized your body before. I've memorized your soul. I will memorize it again." I couldn't get enough of him. There was no more childishness in his face. He was a man, and fuck was he beautiful. "Thank you for staying alive. For waiting for me to find you again, because I believe that I will find always find my way back to you. Through distance, and through time. I'm here. I'm back, and nothing can keep us apart. Not anymore."


	9. Never Let Me Go

Ava

 

I kissed him. Of fucking course I did. 

 

Dean

 

I couldn’t breathe when she looked at me like that.  _“You. You fucking idiot. It’s always been you.”_

 

A thousand times over. A thousand lifetimes. A thousand dreams, waking up in a cold sweat. It was her. It was always her. 

Ava

 

It was urgent, and I felt him give way to me. I took the fabric of his flannel in my hands, and I pushed it back. He wiggled his arms out, his mouth never leaving mine. He sucked and bit on my bottom lip insistently. He only pulled back to reach behind his head, to pull his shirt over his head. I didn’t get a good look at him before he pulled his mouth back to mine, tangling his fingers in my hair. 

 

Dean

 

My fingers snaked under her sweatshirt. I’d never done drugs, well not anything  _serious._  But for the first time I thought I understood addiction. I didn’t think I could pull away from her if I tried, and that scared the shit out of me. I’d spent the last sixteen years, and the almost thirty before that, learning how to just be me. Sammy was the exception to that rule, and then it was Eleanor. I tried to keep everyone at a distance for a reason. 

 

There was no distance between Ava and I, and I didn’t want there to be. She was right, we had enough distance already. We found our way back to each other time and time again. She found me through time and space, and  _fuck_ that  has to count for something, right? 

 

Ava

 

Dean’s hands explored my stomach, my back, the space under my breasts. I pulled back a bit, my lips leaving his. I watched his bottom lip poke out, like a child, and it made my stomach flip. I lifted my hands, and his pout quickly transformed into a huge grin as he peeled my shirt off of me and tossed it aside. 

 

“You’re so fucking beautiful.” He said before pulling my face back to his. 

 

I ran my fingers along his back. He had scars that I hadn’t felt before, and it broke my heart. Our lips moved together. Time didn’t stop for him like it did for me. Everything changed in a blink. He was Dean. He was still my Dean, but there was more. He had a lifetime of pain and change without me. I wouldn’t let him live a second alone again. 

 

I rested my hands on his chest and pushed him down slowly. I hovered over him. I leaned down and kissed him again. He ran his fingers down my back, taking my bra clasp in one hand, letting it loose. I shimmied out of it, tossing it aside. He leaned up, pressing his chest against mine. We were skin to skin and it made the hair on the back of my neck rise. 

 

We were always good at that. Sex. It felt like a familiar song that that was played over and over again. It never quite got old. I could listen to it forever, and I planned to. His hand pressed flatly to his back and he flipped me over. I gasped in surprise as I looked up at him. He was smiling down at me. He always looked so fucking proud of himself. I loved that look.

 

He leaned down and left open mouth kisses down my neck, my collar bone, leaving purple pucker marks between my breasts. My heart fluttered as he kissed down my stomach and along my pant line. “Dean.” I murmured looking down at him. 

 

He smirked up at me, hooking his thumbs in the waistband of my pants. I lifted my hips slightly to allow him to shimmy me out of them. He ran his hands down my stomach and along my thighs. I opened my eyes to look at him, because the kissing had stopped. 

 

His green eyes were wet along the edges and his mouth was slightly open. “Dean?” I propped myself up on my elbows to get a better look at him. He sucked his bottom lip in. I reached up and touched his cheek. “Babe.” I exhaled. “What’s wrong?”

 

He smiled, his lips still pressed together, as a tear rolled down his cheek. “I just can’t believe you’re here.” 

 

“Believe it.” I whispered, wiping his tear. “And I’m not going anywhere.” I leaned up and pressed my lips to his again desperately. “Be with me.”

 

“Okay.” He whispered against my mouth, but it didn’t stop the flow of tears. I could still taste them in my mouth. I could feel his muscles tighten around me as he pulled me closer. 

 

I kissed him slowly. We didn’t need to rush. We had all of the time in the world. We were together, universe be damned. 

 

Dean

_About 12 years ago_

 

“Daddy watch me!” Eleanor said from the top of the slide. She was four years old with two bouncy pigtails, and her two front teeth missing.

 

“I’m watching Princess! You got it!” I shouted back to her.

 

“Still kind of weird seeing you like this.” Sam admitted, taking a swing of his water bottle. Cas sat at the end of the slide to catch Nel at the bottom.

 

“Like what? Relaxed?” I laughed dryly, giving Nel a thumbs up.

 

“Yeah, maybe. As a Dad. You’re doing well.”

 

“Thanks.” I raised an eyebrow at Sam. I didn’t need his approval, but I liked it anyway. “We fight monsters, man, and this is definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

 

Sam laughed lightly. “That’s an understatement.”

 

“I never thought this would be our life, Sammy. That little girl... fuck I can’t even explain how much I love her.”

 

“I know what you mean.” Sam said quietly.

 

Eleanor was our Kryptonite. There was no doubt about it. The littlest Winchester was adorable and eternally optimistic. Not to mention that shit eating grin that I knew she got from me.

 

I watched Castiel lift her up. “Good job Eleanor! You are an excellent flier!” 

 

“Cassiel I am flapping my angel wings like you!”

 

My heart squeezed. I wished Ave could see her. 

 

“What’s on your mind?” Sam asked, bumping me with his shoulder.

 

“Life.” I admitted quietly. “It’s hard to think about all the shit we have lost, though, when everything is this sweet.” 

 

Sam nodded knowingly. “I get what you mean. I knew the moment I first saw her that nothing would ever be the same again.”

 

“The idea of her changed everything.” I admitted quietly. “But I never really thought I’d get to see her grow up, man, ya know?” 

 

“And here you are. That’s a fucking win.”

 

I looked at Cas spin Nel around, her giggling uncontrollably. “Yeah, it is.” I stood up and jogged to Cas. “I’m here to save you!”

 

“Daddy!” She giggled, reaching for me.

 

I plucked her from Cas’ arms and held her against me. Her chubby arms wrapped around my arms, and I snuggled into her hair. “Did you have fun with Cas?”

 

“He is silly.” She said pulling back. She put her hands on either said of my face and smiled widely before placing a large kiss on my nose. 

 

“He is.” I agreed. “I think it’s about nap time, don’t you?”

 

“No!” She whined. “It’s ice cweam time!”

 

“Okay, okay. Fair enough. Ice cream and then nap.”

 

She huffed but nodded in agreement. “Fine, but you nap too.” 

 

“You got it, kid.”

 

She rested her head on my shoulder, and I thought she wouldn’t make it to ice cream. She was exhausted. “I wove you, Daddy.”

 

“I love you too, Princess.” 

 

It used to be hard to say, before Ave I never did. Not to Sammy or Dad or anyone. Once I said it, though, it was like a flood gate. I told the truth, and I’d be damned if my daughter grew up not knowing that I loved her. Not knowing that she was my everything, because she was. 

 

Ava

_Present_

 

I could hear Deans heartbeat against my ear. I couldn’t stop kissing his skin. 

 

“I’m so fucking tired.” He said with a breathless laugh. 

 

“Me too.” I laughed against the damp skin above his tattoo. I looked up at him. We made love for hours, making good on our promises to memorize each other again. “Dean?” I whispered, looking up at him. “We don’t know what this is. We don’t know how much time we have. What if there are consequences to me being back?”

 

“We will deal with them together.” He pushed my hair behind my ear.

 

“I want to meet her.” I said suddenly. I didn’t realize the ache I had in my chest for our daughter. The absence I felt for the childhood I missed. “Do you think she wants to meet me?” 

 

Dean sat up a bit and I followed his lead, looking at him nervously. “Ava Winchester of course she wants to meet you. I’m sure she’s bursting at the seams. I’ve been selfish... I should’ve introduced you already.”

 

“Hey, don’t do that.” I said, touching his cheek. “We needed this... us. Now when I look at our daughter I’ll know that everything is right in the world.” I smiled widely my tears welling up. “What should I know? What is she like?”

 

His eyes flickered away from mine. He was looking past me, so  I turned to follow his gaze to see a pair of blue green eyes staring in through the crack in the door in the darkness. “Why don’t you ask her?”

 

“I’m sorry!” Eleanor squealed shutting the door.

 

My heart was pounding, and I looked at Dean, trying to refrain from smacking him for not locking the door. He shrugged with a smile.

 

“Eleanor wait!” I called After her, struggling into my sweatshirt and pants. I pushed out into the hallway to find her leaning against the wall nervously. 

 

We stared at each other in the darkness of the hallway. Everything we wanted to say floated between us. I opened my mouth and nothing came out. 

 

“I’m sorry I stormed in on you two.” Her voice was quiet, and somehow just as I expected it to sound.

 

“Don’t be sorry.” I said finally. “We were just talking about you.”

 

She sucked in her breath and wrapped her arms around herself.

 

“Do you... do you want to go somewhere? To talk?”

 

Her eyes met mine and she nodded. “I’d like that.”

 

She showed me where the kitchen was. “This place is like a maze.” 

 

“You get used to it.” She said carefully before flicking on the light. I turned to look at her, and my breath was knocked out of my chest. My daughter. She was so beautiful with her sleepy aqua eyes and her fathers pout. Her hair was down and messy, and she wore one of Deans band T-shirt’s. It looked huge on her. “What?” 

 

“I’m sorry you just..” I felt tears well up in my eyes, and I pressed my hand to my chest, as if to keep it from crumbling under my fingers. “You’re so big.”

 

Eleanor sucked in her breath again, a tear rolling down her own cheek as she closed the space between us, wrapping her arms tightly around my middle. 

 

“Don’t cry.” I said, as my own tears covered my cheeks. I wrapped my arms around her, holding her tightly. 

 

“You first.” She laughed a bit, sniffling. 

 

She pulled back a little, but we stayed in our embrace. “You’re so beautiful, Nel.”

 

“You are too. You look so young.” She touched my cheeks. “I bet Dads freaking out.”

 

“Just a little.”I admitted quietly. “Sorry I was here for a few hours and already scarred you.”

 

“It was less scarring than I thought. He’s been unhappy for so long. All I want is for him to be happy.”

 

My heart warmed as I watched her. She was poised, and she carried herself unlike any sixteen year old I’d ever met. “That’s all I’ve wanted, too.” I took her hand in mine. “He did a good job raising you. I can tell.”

 

“He’s the best. I couldn’t have asked for a better Dad.”

 

“Tell me everything. I want to know it all.” I said suddenly. 

 

She nodded, letting go of my hand. “Okay, but I’m getting a snack.”

 

“Deal.” 

 

She walked into the pantry and pulled out a party sized bag of Lays Dill Pickle potato chips and I smiled widely. “You like pickle chips?”

 

“I do.” She said, her cheeks growing pinker by the second. “Dad thinks they’re gross.” 

 

“I loved pickles when I was pregnant with you.” I said softly. “Couldn’t stop eating them.” 

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah.” I lowered myself into a chair at the table and she sat next to me. 

 

“I love them, too. They’re sour and delicious.” Eleanor pulled a chip out of the bag and ate it, before offering the bag to me. 

 

I pulled out one and plopped it into my mouth. She was right. They were so sour. My lips puckered and I felt chills. “Oh my god those are intense.” I laughed and she met my laughter in response. “Other than pickle chips, what else do you like?”

 

“I’m.. I’m dating someone.” She said carefully.

 

“Claire? Your Dad told me.” I said with a smile. “What is she like?”

 

I watched her body relax at my words. She must’ve been worried that I wouldn’t accept her. “She... she’s so great, Mom.” 

 

 _Mom_ . My heart squeezed. It was easy, it was all so easy. It never had been easy for Dean and I. Maybe our chance was in that moment. Maybe it was finally here. 

 

“She’s so pretty, and she’s had a really tough life. You know Cas, right?” I nodded. “She is his vessels daughter. Jimmy. Jimmy is gone now and has been for a long time, but when she got into some trouble Cas brought her in. I fell in love with her instantly.” 

 

“You love her.” I breathed. “And she loves you?”

 

“She does. It’s easy. Effortless.” 

 

“Being with the person you love should be.” 

 

“Is that... is that how it is with Dad?”

 

I nodded. “The universe hasn’t always been on our side... but we loved each other. I couldn’t have dreamed of a better love.” I touched her arm gently. “He said she’s a hunter.” 

 

“She is.” 

 

“That isn’t what I wanted for you.” I admitted quietly. “It’s a hard life to love someone who is always leaving. Who is always in danger.” I thought of all of the wounds I dressed for Sam and Dean. All the nights I spent wondering, especially when I was pregnant. All the times we lost each other. 

 

“I know that.” She met my eyes. “I’ve watched Dad go my whole life. Every day is like the last day, and it hurts, but I appreciate every moment.” She leaned in seriously. “But if we weren’t a family of hunters.... then I wouldn’t be here with you right now.” 

 

I nodded and pulled her into a hug. “You’re right. I wouldn’t change anything about your Dad. You can’t help who you love, Nel. I know that better than anyone, but just be careful with your heart. You only get one.” 

 

“Dad always says if it hurts that means its real.” 

 

“He’s smart.” I said, pushing her hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry, Nel.” I pressed my lips together. 

 

“Sorry for what?”

 

“For dying. For leaving you. I was supposed to be here.” 

 

Eleanor laughed quietly. “You’re made for each other, you know that?” 

 

“What?” 

 

“You and Dad.” She shook her head. “You can’t apologize for something you have no control over. Plus, the past doesn’t matter. All that matters is that we are together now. We are a family.” 

 

“She’s right, you know.” Dean said from the doorway. His arms were crossed and he leaned against the doorframe. “Sorry to interrupt.” 

 

“No you aren’t.” Nel said with a wide grin. 

 

“You’re right.” He walked toward us. He wore a pair of sweats and an AC/DC t-shirt. “I’m a selfish asshole, and I wanted my girls.” 

 

I stood up, unable to stop myself, and I wrapped a single arm around him. Eleanor followed my lead and hugged him from the other side. The three of us folded into each other. Like it was always supposed to be. 

 

“Nel?”

 

“Yeah Dad?”

 

“Thank you.” He breathed. 

 

Even if it was just for a second, everything was perfect. 


	10. Michael

Dean

"What do you mean she's back?"

"What I just said." I rubbed my face, speaking into my cell phone.

I could picture Mom's face. Her eyes wide, and her mouth slightly open. "How did this happen? How are you feeling? Is she…"

"Slow down." I grunted and glanced at Ava, who was sleeping on the couch cuddled next to Nel. We were all three up all night talking. Talking about everything, but Michael. I was grateful that my daughter was clearly on the same wave length as I was. Don't tell her about Michael, not didn't want everything to blow up. I climbed the stairs and pushed into the early morning air. It was twilight and the world looked cool. The leaves on the trees were brown and dying, and the air had a chill to it. "It was a magical pearl. Supposed to be a solution to the whole Arc Angel problem. It gave our deepest desire, and turns out Nel's deepest desire was to have her Mom back. Guess like father like daughter, huh?" I laughed humorlessly.

"Oh, honey."

"Don't." I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. "Everything is good. Spectacular, actually."

The sky was a deep, dark blue. The horizon glowed from the sun curling up from below the earth. It was peaceful. Michael wasn't screaming, or banging in my head from what I could tell. Maybe he was asleep.

"But Michael…"

"He's still in there. I can feel him. I can always feel him in the back of my mind, but I got a second chance, ya know? I got to see her again. She's so beautiful, Mom. I can't wait for you to meet her."

"I'm sure she's great, Dean, but…"

"But nothing." I snapped. "Now Nel will have her mom. She will have Sam and Cas, and I got a little extra time with Ave before I go under. It's the best gift I could ask for. Now just promise that when we bring her by that you won't tell her. Please."

"How do you think she will feel when she finds out, Dean? Have you thought this through? You're being impulsive."

"I'm not, actually. I've thought it through. She doesn't change anything." My sternum tugged back toward the bunker, and I glanced behind me. My soul knew she was in there. "She's back, so I know more than ever that I have to do this. I can't leave her in a world with Michael. It was always her." I mumbled quietly. "So just do me that one solid, okay? I don't ask you for a lot."

"Okay." She said sadly. "When will you be by?"

"This afternoon, I think. Gotta talk to her first. Thanks." _Click_.

Ava. I shook my head, feeling the sting behind my eyes. I sucked in my breath, trying to keep it all in, but fuck I wanted to scream, to laugh, to cry. Everything bubbled up inside of me, and I couldn't contain it any longer. I lowered myself to a seated position on the steps of the bunker, and let the tears fall down my face. She was back. Nothing else mattered.

"Was wondering where you went."

I turned, and caught a glimpse of Sam before he plopped down next to me.

"Just getting some air."

"I just got a call from Mom. She's worried."

I snorted. "She's got a weird way of showing it."

"She tries."

"I guess." I wiped my eyes and sucked in the cool morning air.

"I can't believe it." Sam admitted.

"Me neither."

He turned toward me. "How are you?"

"I feel… fuck. I don't know. Happy, mostly." I sighed with a smile, trying not to fucking cry again. "She's everything, man. She doesn't remember anything after she died. She said was in my arms and then she blinked into the bunker. No time has passed for her."

"But you've had a life time in that blink."

"I kept telling her that and she didn't care. She looked at me and it was like she saw into my soul."

"She does that." Sam smiled.

I'd forgotten for just a second that Sam loved her, too. I closed my eyes to help the stinging in my eyes. "Yeah." I grunted. "She sure does."

"I saw her with Nel on the couch when I walked out here. That went well?"

"Better then well." I smiled to myself. "I never thought I'd get to see that. Both of my girls together. Maybe you should take me out now, Sammy." I laughed darkly. "While things are bright."

"Do you see the rabbits, Lenny?" Sam teased.

"Shut up, bitch."

"Jerk." He countered with a sigh. "Who would've guessed." He looked off into the distance. "That all of this would happen."

"Not me." I agreed. "We have a teenager, angel, Satan's son, a naked cat, and my dead wife all in an old bunker. What a weird life."

"Weird, yeah, but it's also pretty great."

I smiled at my little brother. "I'll say."

We sat in silence for several minutes, just enjoying the peaceful morning air. I yearned for some coffee with a little kick. Something to warm my chilled skin.

"Mom said you're still planning on going in the coffin." Sam said weakly.

"I have to. There's no other choice. We are out of options."

"We are out of options today, but we will find another one tomorrow."

"Sam, please. Can we not do this? Not today. Today, I'm going to go introduce Ave to Mom. I'm going to hold her, and kiss her and probably have lots of sex. Because he's quiet today, but he won't be quiet forever. Which means I'm going to have to break her heart. Again."

"We can find a way…"

"Sammy, just stop. It's over. It's been over for a long time." I smiled weakly, putting my hand on his shoulder. "It's over."

 

Ava

 

"I don't have any clothes." I complained, staring at Dean's closet. "I'm not meeting your Mom in my day old sweatshirt."

Dean snaked his arms around my waist and kissed my neck. "New idea, let's not go see Mom."

I eyed him over my shoulder. "Not happening, Dean. I am meeting the famous Mary Winchester." I turned around and pressed my chest to his, wrapping my arms around his neck. "But I do need to go shopping. Plus, I'm sure all of my clothes aren't of this decade."

"You can wear my clothes."

I narrowed my eyes at him and pressed my lips to his softly. "As much as I love wearing your clothes, I don't think they'd be appropriate for public."

"I don't mean in public." He nibbled on my bottom lip.

I tickled the back of his neck and pulled back from the kiss. "Let's see if everyone else wants to go shopping with us. We could make a day of it, and meet your mom for dinner?"

"That sounds good." He agreed, tugging on my curls. "I can't believe you're here." He whispered.

"Me neither."

It was all very surreal. Eleanor and I spent the evening with Dean going over everything that I missed. The crazy times. The happy ones. She told me about the darkness and how Dean was going to shoot himself to the moon. He was always one for the dramatics. She fell asleep cuddled to my side, like she did when she was a baby. I couldn't believe I missed so much, and I wasn't going to miss another second.

"I have something for you." He said suddenly, releasing me from his grip.

"Oh?"

He dug in his drawer and walked back to me. He held my wedding ring between his index finger and thumb. My hand suddenly shot to my empty ring finger. I hadn't even noticed it was gone. Maybe I was more out of it than I originally thought. I looked down at my hand and ran my finger over the callous.

"Your mom didn't want it back?"

"Wasn't hers anymore." He shrugged, taking my hand. He slid it back onto my hand easily. I flexed my fingers, and my eyes landed on his left hand, where his ring still sat. It was scratched up, and a little misshapen, but there it was.

"You never took it off?"

"Not for a second." He laced his fingers through mine.

 

———————

 

We were out shopping at the small strip mall that was in Lebanon, Kansas, where we apparently lived. It was small and quaint, and everyone knew Sam and Dean. It was really great to see that they settled down, no matter how unconventional. Dean was touching me constantly, his hand was always on my back, fingers twisted in mine, lips on my forehead. He had been since I'd been back. Nel was ahead of us looking at band T-shirt's and holding hands with her girlfriend.

_"I'm Ava. It's so nice to meet you, Claire." I took her hand in mine and she shook it with a strong grip. "I can't wait to get to know you better."_

_"Likewise." Claire said through pursed lips. I could see her looking me over. She was being protective, and I was thankful for that. She didn't want anyone to hurt Nel. I wanted to hug her._

_"Mom, this is Jack." Ava said, referencing the blonde boy that was bouncing on the balls of his feet._

_"Hello Jack." I smiled._

_"Hello, Ellie's Mother." He said before giving me a large hug. "We have not had a mother in the bunker before."_

_I laughed lightly and hugged him back. He seemed like a sweet kid. From what I heard, he'd had a time of it. His own mother had died, too._

_When Jack released me Castiel made eye contact. I nodded to him and he took a step toward me. "Hello Ava."_

_"Castiel." I smiled. He pulled me into a hug, and I gasped in surprise. From what I knew of him, I didn't think he'd be a hugger. I guess a lot had changed._

_"I am happy you're here." He said I to my hair._

_"I guess you took my advice." I murmured into his ear, tilting my chin up._

_"I did." He smiled. "I took Dean's lead, I chose honor."_

_"Good." I smiled and hugged him back tightly. "I'm glad. I can tell he really loves you."_

_"He loves you too." He said with a smile. He let me go and moved out of the way._

_There he was, Sam. Tall and broad, with the same shaggy hair. His eyes looked tired, and sad, and he a defined layer of scruff on his chin and cheeks. "Hi Sam."_

_"Hey, Ave." We walked to each other, meeting in the middle in a tight hug. His arms wrapped around me and I rested my head against him. "We missed you."_

_It'd been awhile since things had been that simple with Sam. Or that simple in general._

"What about this?" Dean teased, holding out a skimpy black dress.

"Oh please." I laughed and waived him off. "How about this." I pulled out a flannel and grinned. "Hunter sheik."

"Looks great." He kissed the top of my head. "But you look sexy in everything." He said, his voice full of gravel.

I grabbed a few things and went into the dressing room. I pulled a pair of jeans off the hanger, wiggling into them. I buttoned the top and looked at myself in the mirror. They fit good . I moved my eyes up to my face looked really tired, but not like I'd died, and definitely not like I could have a sixteen year old. I sat down on the bench in the dressing room.

It was a lot. It was almost too much. I took a few deep breaths.

"Mom? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, honey. I'm great."

"Can I come in?" She asked, and I opened the curtain allowing her to join me.

"What's up?" I asked her with a forced smile.

"Dad was thinking that you needed some help."

I patted the spot next to me and she sat next to me. I wrapped an arm around her. "Is that all?"

"Yeah."

I kissed her hair. "Nel you can tell me if there's something else going on. I know you don't know me well, but I love you. You can trust me." When she looked at me her teal eyes were full of tears. "Honey." I held her cheeks.

"I'm worried about Dad."

"Why? What's wrong?" I pushed her hair behind her ears.

"I'm not supposed to tell you." She exhaled.

"Baby girl you can tell me anything."

She closed her eyes, and I wiped her tears with my thumbs.

"He's going to be mad."

"It's okay. He won't be mad for long. Not at you. You can tell me. You don't have to carry everything alone. I'm here."

 

Ella

 

I could hear him screaming. Banging against the walls of Dads mind. He was scratching at the door. Begging to get out. I'd heard it every minute since I brought him back. His mind was reaching out to mine in tendrils. Wrapping around mine, pulling me close. Dad and I had always been of one mind, but this was more. This was dangerous.

"I know you can hear me little Winchester." He hissed in Dads voice. "I will kill you first. Your dear old dad will watch you die."

Chills ran up my spine. For the first time in my life I wanted something that I could have. I wanted my mom.

"I'm here." She told me, her palms on my cheeks.

"I can hear him." I mumbled through my tears.

"Hear who?"

"Michael."


	11. I Can’t Lose You Again

Ava

 

"What if she hates me?"

Dean laughed and kissed the corner of my mouth. "She won't."

"How do you know?"

"Because she's my mom." He laughed again. "I know. You ready?"

I looked out the window of the Impala. She opted to come to the bunker to see us so we wouldn't have to travel out to see her. She had a room there, after all. The kids were setting up the dinner. Sam and Eleanor were going to cook. I couldn't wait to see what they'd come up with. "Give me a second."

"Hey." He whispered, tapping my chin so I would look at him.

"Hey back." I whispered, like a habit.

"Wanna have sex in the front seat?"

I laughed and gently smacked his arm. "Dean come on."

"You come on." He kissed my neck, nibbling my collar bone.

I pulled his face to mine and kissed him deeply before pulling back. "Our kid is waiting for us in there."

"I know." He ran his thumb across my jaw.

"This is weird, isn't it?"

"Which part?" He grinned.

"All of it." I laughed lightly. "Do you think Nel's school mates will think you're a cradle robber?"

"Hopefully."

"You're such a child." I rolled my eyes. "She's so grown up. You did a great job with her."

"Wasn't easy." He admitted. "But she's a great kid."

"I can tell that." I peeled my eyes from his and looked down at my hands. "What about Claire? Does she want to go to college? Settle down?"

"I don't really see that happening."

I met his eyes again. "Dean, I don't want this life for her. I've lost you so many times." My eyes stung. "And you've lost me. She deserves something normal. Something stable. She shouldn't be with a hunter."

"They're in love."

"I know what that's like." I said quietly. "I'm not a monster. I fell in love with a hunter, after all."

"You wish you hadn't?"

"I wouldn't change you for anything, Dean Winchester. You have to know that, but don't you want more for her? The apple pie life?"

"Of course I do, but she's a Winchester."

"And you have her in a private school. She's _smart_! She has so much potential. She could be anything, but if they stay together... she's just going to have to watch Claire go. Over and over again. Almost die, or even die. I don't want her to have to feel that pain."

"We can't stop her."

"I know."

"I don't want to stop her." He admitted, pressing his lips together in a tight line. "You haven't seen them together." He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my forehead, soft and safe. "They remind me of us."

"I can't lose my daughter, Dean."

"You won't."

"I can't lose you again. I don't... I don't like this life. I don't want to fight the devil anymore. Monsters. When do you get to rest? Why does it always have to be you? I can't lose you again, do you hear me?"

"Ave, you won't lose me. I promise." He held my face and kissed me like he meant it..

I didn't know how many times in our marriage that Dean lied to me, so as far as I was concerned that was the first. The biggest. He knowingly told me that I wouldn't lose him, when he was planning to vault himself up in the fucking ocean.

"Let's go inside."

Nothing would've prepared me for how young Mary would look. _God_ , she couldn't be any older than Dean was. He wasn't lying when he said she was plucked straight from Heaven. I wondered if that was where I was. "Mary." I said with a smile.

"Ava." I could see her watching me. She was protective. "It's great to meet you." She finally melted and pulled me into a hug. "Sorry." She whispered. "I'm not very good at this."

"It's okay." I assured her with a tight smile. "Just be yourself."

"In front of the famous Ava Winchester? The girl who tamed my oldest? How could I?"

I smiled at that and turned to Dean. "You told her about me?"

"Of course I did."

"If Eleanor is any indication of who you are, then you must be amaking." Mary said with a smile. "That girl is really incredible."

"She is."

 

Dean

 

The dinner went surprisingly well. Nel didn't burn the lasagna and Sam kept kale out of the salad. We all did a cheers with our beer. I tried my damndest not to feel Ave up under the table, and I was successful for most of the dinner.

Claire decided to give us some space and took a trip up to visit Jody and Alex. I wondered whose idea it really was.

"So, Ava." Cas said, offering a smile. "How are you adjusting?"

"Good, mostly." She said, meeting his eyes. "It's all still a little...weird."

"Tell me about it." Mom said. "If you need anything, let me know. I've been there."

"Was it hard for you?"

"That's an understatement." I laughed, eyeing mom. Sam shot me a look and I rolled my eyes.

"We made you something, Ava." Jack said standing up.

"Oh you did?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You guys didn't have to." Ava said, her cheeks heating up. _Fuck she is so cute._

"I'll get it, Jackie." Eleanor said, going back to the kitchen. She pulled out a chocolate cake with the words _Welcome Home Mom_ written on them. She sat it on the table. "It's a little wonky, but we made it."

Ava stood up and walked to the cake. "El, it looks amazing! I can't believe you two made this for me!" She looked genuinely happy, her lips curling up into a smile. She opened her arms for Nel and Jack to curl into a hug. Both kids smiled ear to ear.

This was what my life was supposed to be like. Birthdays. Anniversary's. We were supposed to be happy. Sam laughed. "Let me grab the cake knife."

"We have a cake knife?" I asked.

"Of course, Dean. We need the correct utensil in order to keep the cake together. It may fall apart if you use the wrong one." Cas said, as if he was some cooking genius.

They cut the cake, and Ava took a scoop of icing and stuck it to Eleanor's nose. Both girls laughed, and if Sam hadn't gotten between them they would've had an all out food war. How was I supposed to let all of this go? How was I supposed to go into the middle of the ocean now that she was back? I didn't have the answers, and it didn't really matter. There was no choice.

I went to do the dishes and Mom met me. "So..."

"So what?" I asked her, handing her a dish to dry.

"She's very pretty, Dean."

"She is."

"It's obvious that she loves you."

"And I love her." I glanced at her. "What are you getting at?"

"You haven't told her about the coffin."

I groaned and threw the dishes back in the sink. "Can you not start? I'm already getting it from all angles. I really don't need the extra heat."

"She's your wife, Dean."

"I know that. You don't think I know that? This wasn't a part of the plan." I hissed.

"Hey, does anyone want any more cake? I think Nel is gonna be sick if she has anymore." Ava laughed, coming into the kitchen.

"Nah, Sweetheart, I think we're good." I opened my arms to her and she walked right into them. She snaked an arm around my waist.

"Hey, I was going to ask. Where's John? I figured he'd be joining us."

Mom straightened up a bit and clasped her hands.

"Ave... Sorry I didn't know how to tell you."

"Fuck." She covered her mouth. "When?"

"A few years ago." I sighed. "Werewolf case. They got the jump on him."

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't be." Mom said, weakly. "We all have our time in this world. Some of us get a few times. We just have to take what we get and not live with regrets." She turned directly to me. "So you should be with the person you love as long as you can. You never know when they'll be taken from you." She forced a smile. "I'm tired. I think I'll go to bed."

I let Ava go so I could hug Mom. "Night."

"Tell her." She whispered against my ear, just low enough for me to hear.

 

Ava

 

We fluffed the pillows on the bed, adjusting it for sleep. The silence was so thick I could've reached out and touched it. "Dean?"

"Mhm?"

I turned to him, holding my pillow against my chest. "When were you going to tell me?"

"Tell you what?" He asked, his voice strained. He already knew.

"About Micheal."

He sighed, resting his palms on the bed, his head hanging low. "Who told you?"

"Eleanor. She's terrified."

"Ratted out by my own kid."

"She shouldn't have to keep your secrets, Dean. Especially not from me." I hugged the pillow tighter. "You shouldn't keep anything from me."

"I knew you'd want to talk me out of it."

"Of course I do! What the fuck are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking that the world can't have an A Bomb dropped on it, Ave."

"That's always the answer, isn't it?"

He sighed and sat down. He put his face in his hands. "You know I don't want to do this."

I walked around the bed and sat next to him. "But you're still going to do it, aren't you?"

He was silent. That was enough of an answer for me.

"I can't believe you... actually.. I can. You haven't changed at all." I gripped the sheets in my hands, trying not to explode. "So you're going to leave me, and your daughter?"

"I have to."

"You don't! You'll find a way... we will! We always do. It's our charm."

"Sweetheart, you've been gone a long time. We have played all the cards we have. There's no more left."

"Stop calling me fucking Sweetheart! I refuse to be complacent just because I love you." I snapped. I squatted in front of him with my hands on his knees.

He stroked my cheek, smiling sadly at me. His eyes looked so green, I could drown in them. They were like the grass right after it rained. "We keep taking turns... it's my turn to go this time."

"You're fucking crazy if you think I'm saying goodbye to you again." My voice was strained. "Dean Winchester, I will not say goodbye to you again. So if you go in that coffin I hope you're prepared for me to climb in with you."

Dean sighed and pressed his lips to my forehead. "Ave, you can't. Nellie needs you. You're so much stronger than I am. She needs her mom. She's always needed her mom."

"I won't accept this."

"Well, you will be two peas in a pod, because she said she won't either."

"I just got you back." I didn't want to cry. I was a grown ass adult. I should be able to understand, but it didn't mean I had to like it. "We are together. We can finally have our life... I've missed so much." I didn't want to cry, but I didn't have a choice. My eyes spilled over and Dean pulled me into his arms, on his lap.

"I know, baby." He whispered into my hair. "It isn't fair. But not much about my life is fair. I'm just happy I get this. No matter for how long."

"So how long do I have?"

"I don't know." He admitted.

"I didn't sign up for this, Dean."

"Yes you did. You're just angry that you did. You knew who I was when you married me."

"I was full of pregnancy hormones."

"You love me."

"I'm in love with you, Dean. There was no question about if I loved you." A tear rolled down my cheek. "I can't let you do this."

"Try to stop me." He said, seriously. "You won't get far."

 

Ella

 

"Dad?"

He looked up at me from his cup of coffee with a weak smile. "Hey, kiddo."

"I heard you guys fighting." I said, sitting down next to him, pouring myself a cup of coffee.

"I'm sorry, Nel. We didn't want you to hear that."

"It's fine." I smiled and touched his arm. "I feel like it's what having two parents is really like."

He snorted and took another sip of coffee. "You're probably right. Still want you to have the illusion that things are good. That's my job as your dad." He reached forward and touched my nose.

"We were never like that, Dad." I took a sip of my own black coffee, and I made a face. He slid me the creamer. "You know, I used to watch Gilmore Girls when I was younger, and I thought about what having a mom would be like."

"That's the one with the kid that looks like Sam, right?"

I laughed lightly. "Yeah, that's the one. But anyway, I thought about what it'd be like to have a mom... but here's the thing... I never missed out on anything having just you. You painted my toenails, Dad. You braided my hair, and listened to me talk about my first kiss. I never missed out."

"Thanks, kid, but I'm not sure where you're going with this."

"Where I'm going... Dad, listen. I know you think that me having her here is going to fix everything. I thought that, too, but I won't let you use her as an excuse to go into that coffin." I took his hand in mine. "She can't replace you. No one can."

"Eleanor." Dad our His finger under my chin. "I don't want you to worry. I love you."

"I know you do. That's the problem."

"How could that ever be a problem?"

"You spend so much time loving us that you forget to love yourself."

"Wise beyond your years, kid." His fingers left my face and he stared down at his muddled reflection in his coffee. "But it doesn't matter. Because I do love you. I love you, Sam, Cas, Jack, Claire, and fuck I love your mom so much more than myself... so I have to do this. I can't let Micheal out of my head. I can't let him hurt the people I love."

I reached forward and touched his temple. "Maybe I can hurt him."

"No. No way."

"I pulled you out.. maybe I can lock him in."

"I won't let you get anywhere near him, Eleanor." He went to push my hand away, but I swung my other hand up to touch his other temple and despite his resistance, I was in.

"Sorry, Dad." I murmured. "But it isn't up to you."


	12. While You Were Asleep

Ella

It was dark and swirling, like I was falling. My arms flailed, trying desperately to grab on to anything around me.  _“Just seems like everything ends this way.”_

“Dad?” I called out into the emptiness.

“ _Yeah.”_

“Uncle Sam?”

_“But we got one,” Uncle Sam said. “That counts for something.”_

_“We got one and there are thousands to take her place. Whose that guy who kept pushing the rock up the hill forever?”_

_“Sisyphus?”_

_“Yeah, him. I feel like him most of the time. Like we will be doing this forever.” Dad said sadly._

I reached for his voice, and urged my mind forward.  _Focus, El, or you’ll be falling forever._ I focused on his voice. On his face.  _Dad, where are you?_

_“I’ll give you six months. Six months of bliss with your baby momma and then my hounds will come for you. That’s the best I can do, and I’m only that sweet because you look so damn pathetic.”_

I closed my eyes and cleared my mind. I needed to probe through his memories.  _Where did you hide Michael?_

_“You’re the one, Sweetheart. It’s always been you. From the second I walked into that bar. It’ll be okay, because everything with us is right. You’re the only thing that’s right.”_

Focus.

_“Well, Mrs. Winchester, I could use the help. Step into my office?”_

_“In a minute. I want a famous house special.”_

_“Have you heard from Nel?” Dad asked._

_Bingo_.  I focused my mind, and when I opened my eyes I stood in the bar. He sat at a table, his legs crossed at the knee, and his hands together. He wore my dad’s face, but he was a different man all together. “Michael.”

“It’s the littlest Winchester. How cute.”

I narrowed my eyes and crossed my arms. “I’m not cute.”

He shrugged.

“We need to talk.”

Michael raised an eyebrow. “About what, may I ask?”

“I need you to get the hell out of my Dad’s head.”

“I’d love to.” He leaned forward, his leg dropping back to the floor. “But Daddy has me all locked up. I don’t suppose you’re volunteering?”

I pursed my lips and stood my ground. “No.”

“Because you would be a perfect vessel.” He stood up slowly, smoothing out his slacks. “A Winchester, a direct descendent, and the power of your mind… I can smell it from here.”

He wanted to scare me, and I wouldn’t let him. I was a Winchester, after all, and strength was in my blood. I put out a hand and focused. “Stop right there.”

He did. He fucking stopped, and I watched him press on his forward foot to try to move, and he couldn’t. He was stuck. “I’ll be.”

“That’s right.” I said, firmly. “I’ve got you.”

It hurt like a pain that I’d never felt before, to see a man who has caused so much pain wearing my father’s face. “He is a good man.” I said, not meaning to, entirely. “My father is a good man. He doesn’t deserve what you’ve put him through.”

“He said yes.”

“To save his family! To be honorable.”

“And that’s what you’re doing now?” Michaels voice was like a hum, a low frequency, if I wasn’t on such high alert I would be lulled to sleep.

“Yes.”

He scratched his chin like he was considering my words. “You are an interesting girl, Eleanor. Your father does love you. I can tell. It’s all in here.” He said, tapping his temple gently.

“I don’t need you to tell me that. I already know.”

“You’d do anything to save him, wouldn’t you?” He tilted his head to the side like a curious dog. It made my blood run cold.

“Yes.” But he knew that already. Otherwise he wouldn’t have asked.

Ava

“What’s wrong with them?” I paced back and forth anxiously with my arms crossed as Castiel presses his fingers to my husband and daughters foreheads. “Jesus Christ just tell me something!”

“Sam, calm her down I need to focus.” Castiel said shortly.

“Ave, come here.” Sam said, pulling me into a familiar hug.

I wanted to squirm away and pace, because _what the_ _fuck_ , but I didn’t. I let him hug me, because I knew that he was just as worried as I was. I could give him some comfort, and that was worth something.

I walked out to find Dean. I didn’t want to fight with him, I never wanted that. Especially if we were really running out of time. When I came out I found them both on the floor passed out. “I can’t lose them.” I murmured into Sam’s chest.

“I know, Ave. Me neither.”

“Come  on,  Castiel.”

He sighed and stood up. “She’s confronting Michael.”

“What?!” Sam and I said together.

“We need to get her out of there!” I exclaimed, pushing away from Sam.

Castiel put his hand out. “We can’t. It’s too dangerous. Dean’s mind is very fragile. If any of us try to poke around in there the wall he put up around Michael could collapse.”

“It could collapse anyway.” I hissed.

“Ave, come on. She’s strong she...”

I could feel the sting behind my eyes, the flip of my stomach. I dropped to my knees between my daughter and my husband. I cradled Nel’s head in my lap, and I stroked her hair. “You can do this, baby girl. You’re a fighter.” I wiped one of my tears off of her cheek.

“Should we get them to a hospital?” Sam asked gently. “We don’t have the supplies to monitor them correctly here.”

I nodded quickly, reaching to take Dean’s limp hand in mine. “Yeah, we should.” There was danger between us. There always was the risk that we would lose each other. We did, over and over again. I just never expected it would end like that. That I would be the one left alone.

Sam reached down and picked up Eleanor effortlessly, her head resting against his shoulder. “Cas, you got Dean?”

I leaned down and held Dean’s face in my hands and pressed a kiss to his lips. “You come out of this or I will never forgive you.”

\--------------

“Hey, I got you a coffee.” Sam said, offering out a cup to me.

I sat, curled into a chair in the waiting room as the staff examined my comatose family. I took the cup and sipped the foam off the top. “Thank you.”

“Of course.” He lowered himself next to me, his eyes locked on my face. “We haven’t really gotten a chance to talk since you’ve been back.”

My eyes flickered up to his. “I didn’t know if we should talk.”

“Why wouldn’t we?”

I reached out and touched his cheek. The scruff along his jaw, and the wrinkles on his forehead. “Just after everything with us.”

“That was a life time ago.”

“Not for me.”

We looked at each other, really looked at each other for the first time since I’d been back. He looked older, but in his eyes he was still Sam.

“It all has been so fast. A few days ago we were trying to stop Lilith and then I wake up and it’s been sixteen years. I know you’ve all gotten past what happened all that time ago, but for me it’s so fresh.”

“I’m glad you’re back, Ave.”

“Are you seeing someone?”

He laughed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Damn, right for the jugular.”

“Sorry, I’m nervous with everything… I don’t know. Just distract me.”

“Alright, yeah. I’m seeing someone.”

“Tell me about her.”

“Her name is Eileen… it’s kind of casual. She’s another hunter.”

I smiled.

“What?” He asked, his cheeks pink.

 

“I just remember when you wanted out of this life, but you look good, Sam. Really.”

“I did used to want out of the life, but I don’t know. Something changed in the last few years. I think I was meant for this, Ave.”

“I think so too.” I clasped my hands at my lap letting out a shaking breath. “God what’s taking so long?”

“I don’t know.” He said, standing up. “Cas made it seem complicated. It’ll probably take some time.”

“You seem pretty calm.” I commented. “Before you would’ve been hopping and ready to do anything to get him out of trouble.”

Sam smiled with only the left side of his mouth, his lips pressed tightly together. “I guess I’ve learned that we will either survive or we won’t.”

“You’ve stopped fighting.” I said helplessly, my heart sinking. That was the thing about the Winchesters, they were  always  fighting for each other. If Sam lost that… I didn’t know how they would ever recover from that.

“No.” He offered a wide grin. “It’s just not time for that yet.”

“Restraint.” I nodded softly. “Guess I need to learn some of that myself.”

“It’s hard.”

“It is. Sit back down.”

He complied and lowered himself back down next to me.

“How was it… raising Nel? I never thought I’d miss so much.” I could feel the sting in my eyes again, but I refused to fall to the impulse again. Every moment was extra time that I didn’t have before. I needed to be grateful for whatever I got. Even though losing them felt like dying all over again, but so much worse.

“It was really fucking hard.” He admitted with a light laugh. His eyes were focused off somewhere else, like he was looking into the past. “But it was damn rewarding, too. She never complained about the three of us raising her, and she never got in trouble. She’s a good kid. She’s smart and funny. She reminds me of you.” He elbowed me gently, lovingly.

“Ava Winchester?” Castiel said, stepping into the lobby.

I raised an eyebrow at him, and Sam blinked a few times. “Why are you wearing a lab coat?”

“My name is Doctor Novak.” Castiel said slowly and awkwardly. “You can see your husband and daughter now.”

I shot Sam a glance and we both stood up, following Cas to the room. “What did you figure out?”

He shut the door behind us. “They’re all perfectly healthy. We have them on IVs to keep them hydrated, and catheters for urination.”

“Okay, Cas.” Sam cringed.

“They will be closely monitored, Ava. I don’t think there’s anything else we can do.” His voice broke as he spoke. He glanced at Dean with a longing that I felt myself. “All we can do now is wait.”

“Can I have some time with them?” I asked, swallowing back emotion as my eyes landed on my entire heart laying in two separate beds.

“Sure.” Sam said, putting an arm around Cas. “We will be back in a bit.”

I pulled up a chair between the two beds and covered my mouth with my hand. “Dean, I’m so sorry.” I took his hand and watched him. He looked like he was sleeping, his mouth barely open. If I didn’t know better I’d think he looked down right peaceful. “After all this time you’re going to do  this . Why can’t we just have something normal, huh? Why can’t we just _be_? The world isn’t yours to save. Not just yours. Whenever I get you out of this we are done, okay? Apple pie life. Just you, me, and Nel. If Sam, Cas, and Jack want to come that’s fine, but no more hunting. No more risking our lives. No more saying yes to Arc Angels or the Devil…” My voice trailed off as I laid my head on his chest. I listened to the steady thrum of his heart as tears soaked his hospital gown. “How dare you bring me back just to leave me like this.”

Dean

“Eleanor Mary Winchester open the fucking door!” I shouting in my best authoritative Dad voice, my fist banging against the door that she slammed me behind when she locked me away in my own fucking mind.

I sighed. It was no use, I wasn’t getting out of here until she opened the door.  _Damn demon blood. Damn hormonal teenagers. Damn mother fucking Arc Angels._ To say I was sick and fucking tired of it all was a huge understatement.  

I remembered the bar in my head and Ave. Small moments of peace were all we got. Eleanor’s first steps, the first time she said  _dada_ ,  and the moments after where Cas was certain she was babbling it at him. Halloween costumes and pancakes. I had a life time full of those moments all broken apart from the things that I fight and at what fucking cost? I knelt at my father’s grave years ago and wept like a little girl. I asked him  _why_   even though I already knew the answer. I’ve always known. Chuck told me himself. We are his guys. We save the world. I should just be happy for what I’ve gotten. Fuck, I even got to see Ava one last time. That was more than I thought I’d ever get.

I remembered all the nights I stayed up praying to a god that doesn’t give two shits about one guy, just to see her one last time. I begged and beggin don’t look pretty on me. I just wanted to hear her voice. I wanted to see her and hold her. Fuck, I wanted to fight with her again and have that makeup sex we were so good at. I got that, but I guess I’m selfish because I want more. I want it all. I want the bar. I want retirement. I want to sit with Sammy, Cas, and the kids on the beach with Ava in my lap. I want to have another baby and watch her stomach swell and grow. I want to see my kid being born and hold the baby. I want it all.

But it doesn’t matter what I want. It never did. I had a bunker and a job to do. Be a dad and save the world. Over and over again until all the breath is knocked out of my body. Guess that time is now. At least it looked that way as I was staring at the thick mahogany door.

I considered trying to beat it down, but I knew my kid was too smart for that. “You’re grounded if I get out of this.” I said, weakly. She wouldn’t have a dad to ground her. I knew that, in my gut. I just hoped that she would come out alive herself. I tangled with Michael, and he wasn’t exactly the type to spare people.

_Click_ . I saw the door swing open just a crack, the light from the room pouring in and over me. It started out like a thin line and then expanded the more the door creaked and swung open.

“Fuck.” I said, slowly standing and walking right into the bright, white light.  

Ava

The door swung open to the room. “El.”

I turned to see Claire. Her black makeup was running down her cheeks. “I came as soon as I… oh my god.” Her voice broke, and I moved to make room for her. She ran and lowered herself next to Eleanor’s bed. “Hey, baby. I’m here. Okay?” She took El’s hand in her own.

“She’s stable.” I said, weakly with a smile.

“We don’t know anything else?”

“Castiel said she is fighting Michael. We just have to wait it out.”

Claire’s face crumbled in front of me, her cheeks and eyes growing red as she choked back a sob. “Damn it.” She turned back to Eleanor and touched her cheek. “You stupid, beautiful idiot. Why did you do it, huh? You can’t just leave things alone. You stubborn…” Her voice broke again.

I looked to Dean. I knew the feeling. If Claire loved my daughter half as much as I loved her father, then Claire and Nel would be fine. They’d make it through anything. I laced my fingers with Dean’s limp ones. We would all make it out. “She’s strong.” I reminded Claire, putting my other hand on her shoulder.

“She is.” She agreed, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. “You hear that, Winchester? You’re going to make it. You’re going to kick Michael’s ass and then we will go home together and watch any movie you want. Even Harry Potter for the thousandth time. I won’t even complain or make fun of their accents. I promise. How does that sound, huh?”

She was sleeping beauty laying peacefully on her back, her chest rising and falling gently with every breath, and her princess was there to save her. But the princess didn’t have all the answers. She leaned in and pressed a desperate kiss to Eleanors lips, and I half expected her to open her eyes. 

 

She didn’t. 

 

_One Week Later_

 

“How’s our girl?” Claire asked, pushing open the door to the hospital room. 

 

“The same.” I said, smiling up over the novel I was trying to read. 

 

“And Dean?”

 

I forced a smile. “Also the same.” 

 

“Stubborn asses.” Claire complained, walking to Nel and placing a kiss on her forehead. “Just can’t wake up first, can you?” 

 

I pressed my finger to my lip and pointed to Sam in the corner who was curled up on a chair with his laptop dead on the table next to him. 

 

“How long?” 

 

“A few hours now.” 

 

“The bigger they are the harder they fall.” Claire said fondly. 

 

“Have you heard back from Mary?” I asked, closing my book and placing it back in my purse. 

 

“Not a peep.” She complained, sitting in her chair across from me. “I even went by her place today and she wasn’t there. Mother of the year that one.” 

 

I sighed. “I bet they were devastated when she came back and didn’t live up to expectations.” I said, my stomach twisted with the worry that Eleanor would think the same about me.

 

“You can say that again. She didn’t want to go by Grandma, either. Just plain old Mary. She barely let the boys call her Mom, but you’ve seen Sam’s puppy dog eyes. Hard to say no to them.” 

 

“You have no idea.” I let out a breathless laugh. 

 

“If you want a break I can take a round.” Claire offered, touching my hand. 

 

We bonded in the last week. We took turns leaning on each other when we couldn’t sleep. When watching them lifeless in front of us was too much. 

 

“I don’t need a break, thanks though.” I rubbed my eyes, trying not to look as exhausted as I felt. “Have you heard from Cas?”

 

“No such luck. Last time he checked in he was still trying for a lead.” She sucked in her breath and looked back at Nel. “It feels hopeless.”

 

“Hey. If I learned anything from this family it’s that there’s always hope. Hope’s kind of the whole point.” 

 

Claire’s eyes flickered back to mine and she nodded quickly. “I love her, Ava. I know you and Dean aren’t thrilled about her being with a hunter... but I love her. She’s got me in a way I didn’t think was possible.” 

 

“I know exactly what you mean.” 

 

“He never dated, you know.” 

 

“He mentioned that.” 

 

“He was always hung up on you. Made me think that there is just one love out there for each of us... and Ellas it for me.” 

 

“So...sappy.” A hoarse voice coughed next to me.

 

I turned slowly, not believing it as I met Dean’s green eyes. “Oh my god you’re awake.” I stood up immediately, pulling him into a tight hug. My heart was in my throat, and I knew I should be asking questions but I couldn’t. All I could do is hold him.

 

“Hey Ave.” He grunted as I squeezed him tighter.

 

“Hey back.” My voice was like a soft squeak in between tears, but I didn’t care. I pulled back and touched his cheek with my hand. “Are you okay? You were under for a week.” 

 

“I’m good. What about El is she...” 

 

_Eleanor_ . A lump grew in my throat, and I turned my body slowly to her bed. Claire held her head. She was crying again, looking down at Eleanor. “She’s not waking up. Why isn’t she waking up?” 

 

She laid her back down and turned to Dean, grabbing him by his gown. “Why the fuck did it have to be  you  that wakes up! You’ve lived and died more times than I can count! Why wasn’t it her?” She was losing it. Black mascara tears ran down her face. “She is my life. I can’t be without her. I can’t...”

 

“Hey.” A soft voice said. “Don’t kill him, okay?”

 

Claire’s fists released Dean’s gown, and he settled back into his pillow, his eyes wide. 

 

“El.” Claire’s voice broke again. “You scared me so bad.” 

 

“I’m sorry.” Eleanor said, smiling weakly. She looked completely warn out, as if she hadn’t been sleeping for the entire week. “I’ll make it up to you.”

 

“Damn straight you will.” Claire said, holding her face and pressing an urgent kiss to her lips. 

 

I turned to Dean and he wiped a tear from my cheek. He wrapped an arm around me. “Dean, what about Micheal?” I asked quietly against his ear. 

 

He shook his head. “I don’t know what happened, Ave, but Micheal is gone.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank y’all so much for your patience! I have been going through a lot of things mentally, and working on another piece that will come out at the end of August. I am finally feeling the inspiration back, so I’m hoping to get back to updating frequently. Thank you so much for sticking it out!


	13. When it Comes to You

> Ava

We got back home from the hospital. Eleanor was unbelievably quiet, looking out the window. Dean’s hand rested on my thigh in the front seat as I drove. El went straight to her room claiming to need some extra rest. I was worried about her, but if I was being honest, I was beyond tired myself.

Dean leaned over and pressed a kiss to my shoulder. “You’re somewhere else.” He said quietly.

 

“I am.” I admitted, glancing back down to my task. I was making something for dinner. The knife was still in my hand mid chop.

“I’m going to order pizza.” He said with a grin, pressing a kiss to my nose. “Go sit down.”

“But I’ve already started...”

Dean captured my face in his hands and his green eyes bore into mine. “It’s been rough for you lately with everything. This hasn’t been an easy transition. Just rest, okay? Let me take care of you.”

“You just got back from the hospital.” I whined. “I should be taking care of you.”

“Ave, this is the best I’ve felt in a long ass time. Don’t worry about me.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, because I didn’t believe him, not really. “Fine, but only if we’re going to eat the pizza in bed.”

“Only if you’re not wearing anything.” He grinned widely.

“Not happening. I’m not risking hot pizza grease, but I will go put on one of your flannels and nothing else.”

“My woman.”

“Get to dialing, Winchester.” I grinned, winking at him.

Growing up I considered myself well-loved and loving. The older I got, the further I got away from the idea that I was worthy of love. So maybe it was no real surprise that I fell into a life like the one I was living. It wasn’t stable, and we constantly had to fight for each other. We always had to prove to the universe that we were worthy, and when it agreed it was better than anything I could’ve dreamed up on my own.

Dean came back with the pizza, and I made good on my word. We laid with the box between us, he in just his underwear and me in his shirt. He was propped up by pillows, his legs crossed at his ankles. It felt peaceful. Maybe we won the battle this time, but if it was up to me there wouldn’t be anymore battles. This had to be the end.

“Can I talk to you about something?”

“Anything, Sweetheart, you know that.”

I spun my wedding ring on my finger, trying to find the words so maybe he would understand. So maybe he would agree. “Things are good now.”

“They are.” He smiled at me warmly, licking garlic off his fingers.

“I’m back, and Michael is out of the picture.”

“Yeah! Fucking finally.” Dean laughed brightly with his whole body. He was a child at heart.

“There’s no immediate danger that I don’t know about, right?”

“Other than the normal stuff, nah.”

“Dean… I… I can’t do it.”

“Do what?” He asked, leaning forward now.

“Lose you again. Risk it all. We finally have each other back, don’t you see that? I can’t keep watching you go.”

“Aw, Ave.” He said, letting out a sigh. “You’ll just come with. I’m sure you’re not as rusty as you think…”

“That’s not what I’m saying.” I stopped him before he could get too far off in the wrong direction. I adjusted myself on the pillow top. I sat on my knees, with my hands resting on my thighs. “It’s time.”

“Time for what?”

“It’s time we retire. You always wanted a bar, right? Let’s buy one. Come on, Dean, aren’t you tired? Aren’t you ready to settle down with me and Nel…”

“Nel is almost graduated.” Dean said with a frown. “You know that I want that, Ave, but I can’t… It’s up to me…”

“No.” I snapped, not meaning to come off so harsh. “It’s not up to you. I don’t care what  _Chuck_ says. We can’t keep doing this. I won’t, and if you love me you’ll stop.”

He swung his legs off the side of the bed, facing away from me. I could see his shoulders slump. He was rubbing his face. “Ava don’t give me some fucking ultimatum.”

“I’m not trying to give you ultimatums. I’m just telling you that watching you both in that bed just about killed me. I won’t lose you again, Dean Winchester. I won’t watch you destroy yourself again.”

“Sounds like an ultimatum.”

“There’s no  _or else_ in  the matter. When I was pregnant you knew our time was limited, so you stopped. You stayed home with me. Just because we don’t have an official end date doesn’t mean that our time isn’t limited every time you go up against a monster on a hunt. You stopped hunting before…”

“And you were miserable! You wanted to be in the life. You said you were meant for it.”

“That was before.”

“Before what?”

“Before I saw my baby girls face. Before I lost the love of my life and then my daughter both a breath apart. I can’t do it again.”

Dean

I turned and looked at Ave and damn, if I wanted a leg to stand on in this fight looking at her was my first big mistake. Her blue eyes were tinted red, but serious. Her fingernails dug into the skin on her thighs as she tried to keep it all together. I got where she was comin from, of course I did. I lost her, after all. I lost everyone time and time again. I lost her and Nel all in a second. I knew how fragile life was, but could I really give it all up? The life, the bunker, hunting?

Lookin at Ava I knew the answer without even having to consider it. Of course I could. In a heartbeat. “You sure that’s what you want?”

She nodded, wiping her eye with the back of her hand. “It’s all I could think about while you were both out. All I could think is that I wouldn’t let this happen again. I couldn’t.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

I nodded slowly. “Yeah, okay. We can do the normal thing. We can try.”

She leapt right into my arms, squishing the pizza box, and I didn’t even care. She kissed me, and that was the only damn thing in the world that mattered. She rested her head against my chest, and I held her there, placing kisses on her temple. We laid like that for awhile, just enjoying each other. It was the kind of peace that I used to dream about, closing my eyes, listening for a heartbeat beneath the buzz of the magic fingers.

“Do you ever think about,” she began, looking up at me, “if things were different?”

“Every day.” I admitted quietly.

“Do you think we would’ve had more kids?”

I smile down at her, running my fingers through her curls like I had a hundred times before. “I don’t think you could’ve stopped me from putting a baby in you again. Once Nel was out of diapers I missed it a lot, plus I loved you pregnant.”

Maybe it was that she still fit against me perfectly, or that she looked the same as I remembered her, but suddenly the thought occurred to me. Things  could  be different. “Would you want that?” I asked her, stroking her back. “Another kid?”

She looked up at me. “I missed Nel’s whole childhood. I didn’t get to hear her first words or see her first steps… I would have a million kids with you, but I know that time hasn’t just stopped for you… I don’t blame you if you don’t want to go through all of that again. I won’t blame you if that part of your life is over…”

I captured her lips in mine to quiet her for just a second. “Hey.” I whispered against her lips.

“Hey back.” She whispered back.

I pulled our lips apart and pressed my forehead to hers. “We’re having another baby, and that’s final.”

_ About 16 Years Ago _

Eleanor was screaming her lungs out. It seemed like that was all she did since Ava died. “Dean. Hey do you hear her?” Sam asked incredulously as he met me in the living room. His face wilted at the sight of me. I was sure I looked like a fucking mess, surrounded by discarded beer bottles.

“Of course I can hear her. I’ve got ears.” I said, tilting the bottle back to my lips. It was empty. Which meant another trip to the fridge.

“You’ve just been sitting here this whole time?” Sam asked, eyeing me.

“What of it?”

“It’s just… you had the baby. You really should be _here_ when  you have her.”

“I am here.” I said, hoisting myself up. “You can practically see my ass print in the chair.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” Sam said slowly.

I did, but I wasn’t in the mood either way.

 

“Nope. I don’t actually. Not a mind reader, Sammy.”

Sam left the room, and I went to grab another beer. Everything was foggy, but since I lost Ava, that was how I preferred it. If it wasn’t foggy then it hurt like a motherfucker. I turned, losing the fridge, and I was face to face with Sam and Eleanor. She was chewing on his fingers. My heart squeezed at the sight of her. 

 

“She wants her father.” Sam said gently.

 

“That was almost you so...”

 

“Come on.” He sighed. “Look at her, Dean. She is you and Ava.” He held the back of her head and bounced her. 

 

I did. I looked at her and fuck, her little scrunched up nose was all Ava. “I can’t. It hurts.”

 

“She needs you. Ave would want you to take care of her...”

 

“I know, but I’m just...” I sighed. “Sammy, I’m mad at her for dying. How fucked up is that? I’m mad at her for breaking her promise to me.”

 

“It’s not fucked up. We were mad at you for dying.”

 

“Not mad enough not to get together.”

 

“You mad at me now, too?”

 

I sighed. “No. I’m not. Not anymore. No need for it. It’s just me and you kid, like it used to be.”

 

“Plus one.” He said, rocking my sleeping daughter in his arms. 

 

“I... can I see her?”

 

“She’s yours Dean. You can have her anytime you want to.” He said, handing her over to me.

 

I felt inadequate. I felt like I could fucking cry. But at the same time, I felt more solid than I ever did before. There was my purpose, small and whimpering in her sleep. “I know, Ellie. You miss your mom.” I sighed, pressing my lips to her forehead. “I miss her, too.”

 

Ava

_Present_

 

The pizza box laid upside down on the floor, and Deans arms were wrapped around me. I listened to the beat of his heart. 

 

_“We should try.”_

_“Try?” I asked with a quirked eyebrow._

_“For a baby.” He leaned in and kissed me._

_“Now?” I murmured against his lips._

_“Right now.”_

 

So we did. Twice. It wasn’t logical or practical, and as far as I knew, it may not even be possible. We didn’t know what being brought back to life by a magical pearl does to a body or if Dean is still viable. But we tried. 

 

I thought a lot about the first time, as we laid there. Life was so weird. 

 

” _One night is better than nothing, if you want it.”_

_"Until the sun comes up, Winchester. Then things are back to normal. No more flirting. No more fighting. No more keeping me off cases."_

 

“Do you remember the first time?” I asked him quietly.

 

“Can’t forget that.” He chuckled low, running his fingers down my spine, causing the hair on the back of my neck to stand up.

 

“We were trying so hard not to make this happen.” I held him tightly. “We wasted so much time.”

 

Dean sat up a bit and looked down at me. “It wasn’t a waste. Nothing with you is a waste.” He pushes a curl out of my face. “You were so stubborn, and I loved that. You rival me in that department.”

 

“That’s for sure.” I grinned up at him. I sat all the way up, straddling him, and I pulled the sheet around us to keep out the chill. 

 

“My whole life was just me and Sammy. Then it was the three of us. You’re my wife, even if that all felt like it happened in a second.” He laced his fingers with mine, his wedding ring was cool against my finger. “Now I have this weird family. It’s not expected or normal, but it’s mine. I want it to be ours.”

 

I scanned his face. His freckles were those of a boy, mixed with the wrinkles around his eyes and the scruff on his chin that never went away. He was a man of many worlds. Which fit, because I was of many worlds, too. “I’m just worried that our luck is running out. How many times can we lose each other before we don’t get to get each other back again?”

 

Dean pulled me close and pressed his forehead to mine. “So a bar, huh?”

 

“A bar.” I agreed.

 

“Ya know, when Micheal had me locked away I pictured us in a bar. I was making the house special.”

 

“The house special?”

 

“Tequila shot, with lime, and a beer.”

 

I laughed lightly and squeezed him tightly with my thighs. “Sounds like a damn good special.”

 

“It was.” He assured me before pressing his lips to mine in a quick kiss. “I love to hunt, Ave, but when you died I wrote you a letter. In the letter I told you that I loved you more than hunting. More than this life. So, fuck it. You want me to buy a bar and flip bottles for a living? As long as you’re there, sign me up.”

 

“I just want you to be happy.” I said quietly, rubbing my nose against his.

 

“Hey, I’ve got both my girls, the kid, Sammy, my best friend, and a weird little naked cat. What else can I guy hope for?” Dean laughed, kissing me a few times in succession. “But, really. This is the happiest I’ve been in a long time. Maybe ever.”

 

“I’ll call a real estate agent tomorrow.” I said, feeling my cheeks heat up. It was overwhelming, a love like this. We were going to have a real future. A solid one. Being so close to him made me feel dizzy, like I wasn’t standing on solid ground. Sometimes it felt like flying or falling. It felt like the first time, back when I didn’t want to let myself love him. When I didn’t want to let myself want him. 

 

I didn’t know who I was trying to fool. It’s Dean. It was always Dean, and it will always be Dean. 

 

“And what about tonight?”

 

“What about it?” I asked him.

 

“What’re we going to do?” He asked low, against my ear. “Maybe we can try again? Practice makes perfect.”

 

“Dean Winchester!” My eyes widened, my neck heating up. 

 

“Ava Winchester.” He growled against my skin. 

 

I closed my eyes and smiled. “You’re insatiable.”

 

“Only when it comes to you.” He said, pulling my lips back to his. He couldn’t get enough of me, but that was fine with me, because the love between us would never run out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y’all enjoyed the fluffy chapter!! Feel free to scream on Tumblr at @themoonandotherslikeit


	14. Come Daylight

Ava

The morning came like it usually does in the bunker. The alarm bleeped next to the bed, and Dean groaned. I turned off the alarm with the intention of making my cranky husband coffee. I leaned over and placed a kiss on his lips. I loved him. It was all finally over. We would be happy. We would finally be happy.

I slid into Deans robe and closed it around myself. I tiptoed out of his room, closing the door behind me. I wondered if the bunker would ever stop feeling weird. It felt cold and weird, but somehow completely right for the Winchester’s. I ran my fingers along the grooves in the wall. I was a Winchester. I hadn’t been for long, but yet I had been for a lifetime. I lived in this weird in between. I didn’t really know where I fit.

I hovered outside of Eleanor’s door, my fingers hovering over the doorknob.  _Here_.  I thought.  _I want to belong here, with them._ I opened her door slowly, just to check in, just to see her. “Nel? Good morning.”

I poked my head in, my body following slowly. It was dark in the room, but I clicked on the side lamp. Her bed was made. The room was empty.

I lowered myself to sit on her bed. There was a page on her pillow.

_Hanging with Claire! Be back later._

I ran my fingers along her scribbled words with a smile. She wasn’t a little girl anymore. She snuck off early in the morning to spend time with her hunter girlfriend. It was all so surreal and a little devastating. I missed so much. I reached over to her side table and pulled up a picture that had likely been taken by Castiel. It was of Eleanor in her footie pajamas sitting between Sam and Dean. They seemed happy. I held the photo against my chest in a hug. We would all be happy again. It was so close I could taste it.

My eyes flickered up to Eleanor’s bedroom door as I heard a few brief knocks. The door creaked open a crack, and Sam’s face poked in. “Nel, hey I’m just… Oh, Ave.”

“Hey, Sam.”

“I was just checking on her, you know, old habits die hard.” He laughed lightly, running his hands through his messy bedhead. “I was worried about her, after the last few weeks.”

“You don’t need to apologize.” I smiled at him warmly, waving him in. “You’ve been her parent this whole time, don’t stop looking out for her on my account. I appreciate all you’ve done. The three of you raised a good girl.”

Sam looked down bashfully, his cheeks turning pink. “We did our best, ya know? Between the three of us, we kinda balanced out any of the crazy that the other two would offer.”

“The perfect parent.” I grinned widely at him.

 

“Not sure about that one.” He laughed, sitting next to me. “We weren’t you, but we did our best.”

“It’s hard,” I admitted, looking back down at the photograph, “thinking about all I missed. I don’t mean to dwell, but you all had a life time. It feels like I fell asleep in that church and woke up somewhere else only to find that the world moved on without me.” I ran my fingers along my daughters smiling, toothless face.

“We didn’t move on, Ave. I can promise ya that.”

I glanced at him with a smile. “You did. I’m glad you did.”

He offered me a half smile and pushed my hair behind my ear. “It wasn’t meant to be. Me and you. It was always you and Dean. We were just biding time.”

“I just want you to know that I did love you. I do.”

“I love you, too, Ave.” Sam leaned in and pressed a warm kiss into my hair. “But I love you like I’m supposed to. You’re Nel’s mom, and Dean’s wife. You’re Ava, but you’re not  _my_ Ava.”

“I just feel like I have so much to make up for.”

“Not with me.” He smiled. “We are square.” His eyes flickered to the photo in my hands. “You can’t tell, but he was kind of a mess around this time. She was teething and screaming her head off every night. The only time she wasn’t screaming was when she was sleeping smack between Dean and I or off flying with Cas.”

“Sleeping between you?” I laughed lightly. “You two were shoved in the same bed?”

“If it kept the princess happy, it’s what we did.” He shrugged. “She had us wrapped around her finger. Still does most of the time.” He dug in his pocket and flicked through his phone before handing it to me. “This is us at Halloween. She designed the costumes.”

“You were Ghost Busters?” I laughed, eyeing their surprisingly well crafted costumes. “She even got Castiel to dress up.”

“Like I said, we’re all gone on her.”

Clementine hopped up on my lap, purring and rubbing against me. I scratched behind her ear. “Is that how this little one happened?”

“That was sort of a mix,” Sam said, shaking his head. “We were all pretty pissed at Dean, and her and Jack just brought her home.” He reached over and scratched her chin, causing her to roll onto her back for a tummy rub. “But she’s grown on us.”

“Sam, I need tell you something,” I said softly, my hand resting on Clementine’s plump tummy.

“What’s up?”

“Dean and I… we agreed. We are getting out of the game. We are actually going to go look at some real estate listings today. We are thinking about buying a bar. We all just keep losing each other, and I can’t do it anymore.”

“Wow,” Sam said, exhaling. His eyes were blinking rapidly and his eyes fell to his lap. He pushed his hair behind his ears. “Dean agreed to quit hunting?” He asked, his voice full of disbelief.

“He chose family, Sam. The job is killing him. It’s killed all of us over and over again. I won’t let it do it again. No more cases… we are done.”

“I’m his family, too, Ave. This place… this is our home. It’s weird and it’s unusual, but it’s ours. The first real one we’ve had. Are you both moving out?”

I avoided his eyes with a sigh. “I don’t know yet. If you are all still hunting… we probably will.”

“I, uh, shit. Sorry, I’m just surprised. This is good. Dean deserves to be happy, but it’s going to be weird doing it without him.”

“We will still be around, Sam,” I promised him, taking his hand in mine. “Hopefully for a lot longer now that we won’t be risking our lives every day.” I laughed lightly and he nodded knowingly.

“Yeah, yeah you’re probably right.”

“Sam?”

“Huh?”

“You look tired, ya know? I’m worried about you. It’s not all on you and Dean, you know that, right?”

“No offense, Ave, but you haven’t been here. It is on us. It’s always been on us,” he said weakly.

Dean

We went to a few different building’s that could function as bars around town, and within an hour’s drive. Most were way too fucking expensive. All seemed a little hopeless, if I was being honest.

“Come on, let’s just park and walk. Clear our heads,” Ave offered.

“Better be glad you’re cute,” I grumbled. I didn’t know the exact moment that I turned into a cranky old man, but there I was. I put the Impala in park and we got out. I stretched, my neck cracking in response.

“I am glad I’m cute, every single day.”

“Me, too.” I snorted, putting an arm around her. “Bet I look like a cradle robber.”

“If you had money, I’d look like a gold digger.”

“I’d like being your sugar Daddy.” I smirked, kissing her hair.

“Bet you would.”

It was weird having her back, to say the least. This was the first time since it happened that things felt really calm. Michael was out of my head, and we were getting out of the game. It was all a little twilight zone. “Hope I ain’t dealin’ with another djjin.”

“What?” She glanced at me with a raised eyebrow.

“You know, perfect life. Wife back, Michael gone, buying a  bar . It reeks of djjin poison.”

“It’s not,” she smiled up at me, wrapping her arms around my neck. “It’s real.”

“That’s exactly what fake you would say,” I snickered, pressing a kiss to her lips.

“If this was a dream, wouldn’t we have found a bar by now?” She complained.

I shrugged and squinted, not listening, because goddamnit, I had to be dreaming. “Shit, I’m still in my Michael coma, aren’t I?” My arms dropped from around Ava and I walked to the edge of the sidewalk.

“What are you talking about, Dean?”

“That.” I pointed to the painted  foreclosure  sign on an old ratty bar across the street.

“ _That_ ? That’s a dump, Dean.”

“Hey now.” I waved at her dismissively. “Let’s look at it. Wonder why the agents didn’t send us to it.”

“Probably because it’s a dump,” Ava complained as I took her hand, dragging her behind me.

We crossed the street, and I peeked through the boards to see into the window. “I’ll be damned.”

“What?”

“It’s got a juke box in there.” I squinted a little harder. “Damn, it’s dark. Gotta get in there to take a look.”

“You’re insane,” Ava laughed. “We are  _not_ buying this bar.”

“Not yet,” I said, yanking at the boards.

She rolled her eyes and grumbled, walking to the front door.

“What are you doin’?” I asked, wincing from a splinter that dug its way into my palm.

“Testing a theory.”

I paused to watch Ava, as she reached forward and pushed the door open with a  ding . “You gotta be kidding me.”

“Maybe you  are  in a coma.”

“Let’s check it out.” I pulled her hand, and we entered the bar. It was dark, dusty, and really run down. “It still has all the furniture,” I commented, running my fingers along the stools that were flipped upside down on the round bar tables. I pulled a few down and hopped over the bar. “Shit, Ave, these tap-handles are gorgeous.” I pulled my shirt up to wipe the dust off the carved handles.

Ava walked to the juke box and wiped the dust off of it with her forearm. “This is actually really cool, Dean. I wonder if it still works.”

I turned and at her from over the bar, and I could see it. I could see the life we could have. All of the dust and dirt melted away. I could have something that was  mine . Not a destiny that was left by my father, or given by Chuck. It would just be mine.

“So, what? I’ll bartend and you’ll waitress?”

“I will not,” Ava laughed. “Maybe I’ll be a cop, or a stay at home mom.” She walked to me, plopping down at the stool. “Maybe I’ll just lounge around the bar and distract you with my wiles.”

“I might be okay with that.” I leaned across the bar top and kissed her.

We parted and she looked at me through wide, blue eyes. “You love this place.”

“I… I think I do.”

She smiled at me and ran her thumb across my jaw. “Let me make a call. It’ll take some work, but I think I like it, too.” She stood up and turned away, starting to walk outside to grab her phone.

“Hey, Ave.”

“Yeah?” She turned toward me, her curls falling into her eyes. Looking at her like that, made everything fall into place. I spent so much of my life worried and afraid. I spent so much time complacent. I knew that when she died I would never be happy again. I accepted that, and I didn’t let everything sink in until that moment. It was until I saw her there, in our bar, looking so fucking  alive that I even considered what life would be like.

“Thanks,” I said, breathlessly.

“You’re welcome.” She smiled, pushing her curl behind her ear. She turned on her heel and walked out, sunlight spilling into the shadow of the bar.

I closed my eyes. I needed to take a second, to take it all in. The last sixteen years were like spinning in circles too fast. I watched the world whirl by in a mix of colors. I begged time and time again for the wheel to just stop turning, for just a minute. It finally seemed to be slowing.

If I was still in a coma, at least I was having a good dream. I shrugged out of my flannel and wiped the rest of the bar top, finding some old mahogany under the thick layer of dust. It was finished, but it looked like the original. “Where have you been my whole life?”

It wasn’t long before Ava busted back in through the door. I couldn’t see her face from the sunlight coming in behind her. Her face was in shadow, but her silhouette glowed like she was some kind of angel. I grinned at her, my chest aching. I always thought she was an angel. “Get out from behind that bar.”

I hopped over the bar top again, half expecting her to tell me that the floors were corroded due to termites, or the place was infested with rats. Instead, she ran and jumped into my arms. “It isn’t official, official, but I think we’ve got it, Dean.”

“What?” I stared at her, just blinking like a fucking idiot.

“My parents left me some money. I never touched the stuff and it’s been sitting all of this time gaining interest. We can’t buy it outright, but its foreclosed, they don’t want it. The real estate agent thinks she can swing us a good deal. We need to cross the t’s and dot the I’s, but I think we’ve got it.”

“This is a dream,” I said in disbelief, staring into her eyes. I held her up by her ass with one hand, my other one was tangled in her curls.

She squeezed her thighs around my waist. “It isn’t a dream, Dean. It’s real, and I haven’t even told you the best part yet.”

“You haven’t?”

“There’s an apartment up above the bar that’s included in the price. A three bedroom.” She was smiling so widely I was worried her face would split open. “Are you happy?”

“Am I…” I felt something flutter in my chest, and the back of my eyes stung. “I’m so fuckin’ happy, Ave, I want to take you right here on this dirty countertop. I can’t believe you made this happen. Fuck, I don’t deserve you.” I was rambling, and I didn’t care. I needed her to know. I didn’t say it all enough, I never did.

“We have plenty of time for that.” Ava promised, placing a kiss on the corner of my mouth. “Let’s go tell Nel. Do you think she’ll be excited?”

I tugged on one of her curls gently. I knew I probably looked like an idiot, like a love sick teenager, but I just couldn’t bring myself to care. “All she’s wanted is to have you back, to have us together. We will still be close to the bunker… She’s gonna love it,” I said with a grin, and then I kissed her. I kissed her, because damn it, I spent way too much of my life  not kissing Ava. I may not have any kind of diploma, but I’m not gonna be stupid enough to repeat that mistake again.

Ava

We entered the bunker, tangled together. Everything seemed so hopeful. We were almost floating. Dean kept mumbling about how it had to be a dream. I understood the sentiment. Life was  good , almost too good for what we were used to. We had each other, and we were about to have a place to call our own. No more enemies, no more monsters, no more  death . We would be normal. I couldn’t wait to tell Eleanor.

“So, when Nel goes off to college we will have two free rooms,” Dean said with a smirk. “That’s two whole rooms to fill, Mrs. Winchester.”

“Don’t get any wild ideas, Dean,” I warned him with a sly look.

“Oh, baby I’ve got  tons  of wild ideas…”

“Finally you’re back!” Claire said, storming out of the back of the bunker.

We turned to look at the frazzled blonde. “Yeah, we are. Sorry,” I laughed a bit, swatting at Dean. “We’ve been busy all day. Where’s Nel? We need to talk to her.”

Claire frowned. “She isn’t with you?” She shifted her weight on her black combat boots, tugging her sweater down over her hands.

“No,” Dean began, eyeing her. “Ave, I thought you said she left a note that she’d be with Claire?”

“She did,” I said slowly. I let go of Dean’s hand and we all walked back into Eleanor’s bedroom. It was exactly the way it looked when I left it that morning. I picked up the note off the pillow and handed it to Claire.

Her hand flew to her lips, and she shook her head. “This isn’t even her handwriting.”

“What?” I asked, alarmed.

“I’ve been calling her all day. She won’t answer,” Claire said, her voice broken, and angry. She pulled out her phone again and dialed. It rang twice before a ring echoed out in the room. She hopped over the bed and dug in the trash can, pulling out Eleanor’s phone. “In the trash.” Claire’s jaw was tight.

I thought I was going to be sick, and Dean caught me before I could fall. “Where is she?” I asked, my voice cracking.

I felt Dean’s arms tighten around me, his hands trembled against mine. “I have no fucking idea.”

 

Ella

 

Dad always told me that love was the greatest thing in the world that you can experience. Despite the way that Dad and Sam were raised, they showered me in love. I never felt like I was missing anything. At least I never did until we finally got mom back. Growing up the way I did, I never understood how someone could lose the person they love most in the world and move on. I never understood how Dad was so  fine  all the time. That was the thing. He was fine, but he couldn’t be much more than that. He struggled to just stay the way he was. To stay stagnant. 

 

Dad always says that there’s one big love for everyone in this life. He said he was lucky, because he got two. Me and Mom. I just don’t know where that leaves me. Claire is the one. She’s funny, beautiful, and so unbelievably strong. I hope she’s strong enough. 

 

Love is big. I’ve always thought so. It’s so much packed into a little five letter word. Some people say it too much, some people don’t say it enough. It comes in a lot of forms.  Don’t forget your homework. You look nice today. I missed you. You’re family.  It’s not always easily seen, but that’s the thing. You don’t have to see the wind to know that it’s there. You feel it. The tickle on your cheek. You can smell the scent of flowers or the sea traveling from miles away. Winchester’s love quietly, but we love boldly. We aren’t a breeze. We are a fucking hurricane. We are a tornado, ready to bust through anyone who would hurt the people we love. The people we couldn’t tell that we loved. 

 

I didn’t need to hear it every day to know that my three dads loved me. I just knew it. Family isn’t something that needs a definition. It isn’t that simple. There weren’t enough words, and there’d never be enough time. 

 

I don’t want to say goodbye. I never wanted to have to say goodbye. 

 


	15. Of Course She Did

Ava

_Four weeks later_

 

Dean was asleep. Sleep had been rare for us in the last few weeks. We all split up. Claire and Jody took one end of the country, going on any lead that Claire could think of. Sam took Jack to the other end of the country, following anything that seemed suspicious. Rowena was working every spell and contact that she had. Dean and I were searching locally, to stay close to the bunker in case she tried to come home. She never did. Castiel hopped in the old truck and drove out to the sandbox which, according to Dean, was a portal to Heaven. I wasn’t sure how Heaven was going to help us, if God was AWOL, but we would take all the help that we could get. Everyone was doing their part.

 

We didn’t understand how there had been nothing to report in so long, so when Castiel called with news we all rushed back up at the bunker to talk. No matter how much Dean tried to convince him to tell us before he arrived, Cas thought it would be best to be discussed in person. 

 

Dean was asleep, and bless his fucking soul, looking at him made me want to cry. My heart ached for my daughter, for the same little baby who had a pout just like the one that was placed on Dean’s relaxed face as he slept. His eyelashes were still wet from the tears. He wasn’t a crier, but he’d done everything else at this point. He bashed one of the cars with the crow bar, he tinkered with Baby long past the maintenance that she needed, and he drank himself to sleep. We couldn’t find our daughter. She went missing while we were out trying to buy a goddamn bar. We both felt sick about it. 

 

He didn’t blame me, or so he said. He still slept with his arms curled around me, and he didn’t yell, but that was almost worse. We were supposed to be _done_. It was supposed to be me, Nel, and Dean. We were going to be a family. I never understood how God could allow someone like Dean to be in so much pain. How much did he have to sacrifice before he was done? How much? 

 

I slipped out of bed, sliding out from under his arm. I wouldn’t be gone long, the last thing I needed was to have him wake up alone. I crept out into the kitchen and looked around.  _I don’t know how to do this._ I wanted to scream. I wanted to break something. Instead, I fell to my knees in the middle of the dark kitchen and clasped my hands together. 

 

“Listen here, God or Chuck. Whoever you are. I know you’re on vacation, but we need to talk. You met me before, remember? I came to your house with Dean when we asked you about the books. Yeah, well, as I’m sure you know, my daughter is missing.  Dean’s  daughter. I know that you care about him. You’ve saved him so many times. He’s your  _guy_ , isn’t he? So just... get your ass down here and make it right. Please.” 

 

“I’m sure he will love hearing that,” a female voice said from the shadows. 

 

I sat up a little straighter, my eyes meeting a set of green ones as a redhead in a long dramatic dress stepped out of the shadow. By her thick accent and fiery hair, I recognized her as Rowena, the witch. “I’m not exactly good at praying,” I said forcing a smile. I stood up, dusting the knees of my black leggings. “I’m Ava.” 

 

“The wife,” Rowena said, eyeing me. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

 

“Why are you hiding in the shadows?”

 

“I’m here for the wee one. I just arrived and let myself in.” 

 

It was unsettling to me, how much things changed. Jack, Castiel,  _Crowley_ , and now a witch. When Dean explained to me the complicated list of ally’s that we now had, my head spun. He was always shoot and ask questions  _never_ . Some things change, I suppose. 

 

“Do you... do you have any leads?” I asked, desperately. I pulled my long sleeved shirt over my hands. 

 

It was mid December. The Christmas lights were blinking all over Lebanon as the town prepared for the Christmas Carnival. We weren’t exactly in a celebratory mood, especially since my last Christmas was spent at the hospital with a newborn and a dead husband. My eyes stung. I wanted to see her, to hold her. I didn’t want to spend her first birthday without her. I wanted to see her turn seventeen. 

 

I always had this idea, that I’d climb into bed with her at midnight on her birthday and cuddle up with her and tell her all about the day she was born. I’d tell her about how strong Sam was, supporting me, and about how beautiful she was. I’d tell her then about how Dean looked the first time he held her. How despite everything, that we were so happy. I’d tell her about when we found out that I was pregnant, and how Dean would talk to my stomach. I’d fall asleep holding her, just like I did when she was little. 

 

Her birthday was so close. I had a bad feeling that we wouldn’t be spending the holiday together. 

 

“I don’t, Ava. I’m sorry. I’ve tried everything I can. The little one is powerfully cloaked. She does not want to be found.” 

 

“How is that possible? She’s just a girl... something must’ve taken her.” 

 

“Or someone,” Castiel’s voice greeted them at the top of the stairs.

 

I just about jumped out of my skin at the sight of him. “God, you two are so fucking sneaky, you know that?” 

 

Rowena snorted and eyed Castiel. “Hello Angel.” 

 

“Rowena,” Cas said flatly. His eyes looked tired, two purple bags hung under his eyelashes. His whole face looked like it’d aged since the last time I saw him, of course it  hadn’t , but the stress was evident. “Where is Dean?” 

 

“He’s asleep. He hasn’t slept at all lately, Cas. I’m worried.” 

 

“He functions off minimal hours.” 

 

“I know that,” I snapped, frustrated. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t fair for me to be angry with him. I was just angry in general. “But he hasn’t even slept  _minimally_ . Let him rest.”

 

“Is Samuel back?” Rowena asked, curiously. 

 

“Yeah,” I sighed, rubbing my eyes. “I think I heard him and Jack come in a few hours ago. Jack was talking to Clementine.” 

 

“And Claire?”

 

“Yes. Her, Jody, and Donna arrived yesterday.”

 

“Great,” Cas said with a nod. “Get them up. We all have something to discuss.” 

 

“Fine,” I sighed, twisting my wedding ring on my hand. I glanced between the two supernatural beings in front of me. 

 

I went down the hall, gently knocking on the doors that our guests were resting in. Donna was fast asleep, hugging her pillow. She looked up at me with tired eyes and a quick nod, shuffling into her teddy bear slippers. Her blonde hair was sticking up all over the place. “What’s going on?”

 

“Cas is back, he wants us all to meet in the kitchen. Can you start a pot of coffee? We are all going to need it,” I explained, gripping the edge of the door. 

 

“Oh you betcha,” Donna said, offering an encouraging smile. She met me at the doorway and caught my shoulder in her hand as I turned to leave. I met her eyes once more, they were kind. “We will find your girl, Ava. We always find them.”

 

I put my hand on top of hers and gave it a squeeze. I didn’t trust myself to respond without losing the little composure that I had left. She was kind, and I understood why the boys attached themselves to her so tightly. 

 

Jody was still up on her laptop when I went by her room. “Castiel is back. Meet in the kitchen?”

 

She gave me a quick nod, moving her research supplies off her lap and into her arms. 

 

Claire was sleeping in Nel’s room. She wasn’t happy with me and hadn’t been since Nel dissapeared. I couldn’t blame her. I pressed an open palm against the door before knocking softly. There was no answer so I opened the door slowly, only to find Claire curled up in a ball in the middle of the bed. She wore one of Eleanor’s sweatshirts from her school, and her hair was back in a messy, haphazard braid. She hugged her pillow tightly. Her cheeks were stained black from crying. 

 

My heart ached for her, because I’d been there. I’d been there more times than I could count. “Claire,” I said gently, touching her hair. “Castiel is back. He has some news.”

 

The blonde looked up at me with tired eyes, red from exhaustion and crying. “Fine, I’ll be out there.” She moved her head out from under my touch. 

 

“Okay,” I said softly, standing up, my hand returning to my side. I noticed, then, that Jack and Clementine were curled up asleep on the floor at the end of the bed. 

 

“I’ll get him up,” Claire said with a nod. “Go do whatever you need to.”

 

I gave her a tight lipped smile. It wasn’t about me, she was just afraid, but it still hurt. I always pictured that whoever Nel grew up to be with, that they’d love me. I pictured a lot of things differently than the way that they turned out. 

 

I’d wake Sam, and then the sleeping bear, I decided. I wanted to give Dean all the time to sleep that I could. I knocked on Sam’s door, opening it basically at the same time. “Sam, hey, Cas is back he...” 

 

I didn’t know what I was looking at.

 

Long dark hair spilled over bare shoulders,Sam’s beard and messy hair looking up at the woman who was straddling him. She was naked and grinding against him. I was not proud of the anger and embarrassment that bubbled up inside of me.  _Ava fucking get a grip!_

 

I didn’t realize I was staring at him, my eyes locked on his jaw until he turned and caught me. “Shit,” he muttered, pulling the blanket to cover the girl up. He made eye contact with her and moved his fingers a bit before pointing. 

 

She turned to look at me, and I noticed her hearing aid.  _His girlfriend, of course!_

 

“Cas is here, meet us out in the kitchen whenever you’re done. Nice to meet you, Eileen,” I said tightly as I blocked my eyes from view.

 

I turned quickly on my heels and let the door click shut behind me. I pressed my back to the door, trying to calm my breathing.  _What the fuck was that?_   I needed to relax. As fresh as my wounds were with Sam, they weren’t _actually_ fresh. I wasn’t in love with him, but somehow I still looked at him and felt like he was  _my Sam_ . He was my best friend, my hero. He was the one who fixed me when I was broken, so sue me if I wasn’t interested in some hoe coming in.  _That’s not fair, there’s no way Sam would date some hoe. Eileen is probably delightful._ Somehow that was worse.

 

Dean 

 

I woke up with Ava’s nose brushing against mine, and I thought for just a second that maybe everything was okay. I felt twenty seven again, snuggled up with the girl I wasn’t supposed to want, but once my eyes opened and the blur of sleep faded, I realized that I was just _me_. Me in the bunker. Me in this fucking life. I grunted. “Yeah, babe?”

 

“How are you feeling? Rested?”

 

I groaned softly, stretching my aching legs. I could sleep more, I definitely could. I could fall back into the world where everything was warm. A world where my kid was safe. Where I wasn’t such a fucking failure. “Kinda.”

 

“Cas is back,” Ava said softly, her lips brushing the stubble on my chin. “He has news.”

 

I said straight up in bed. “Fuck, when?”

 

“A few minutes ago.”

 

“Why didn’t you wake me?” My heart was racing, my temples pounding.  _Fucking hell!_

 

“I did, Dean. I just woke you.”

 

I rubbed my face, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. I was unreasonable. I was a dick. “Sorry, I’m just...”

 

“I know. Me too.”

 

_Eleanor is her daughter, too. Of fucking course she is afraid. The fuck kind of husband am I?_ I sighed and took her hand. Just because she didn’t raise her, didn’t mean she didn’t care as much. If anything she was being strong for me, which is more than I deserve for getting usin his fucking mess in the first place. 

 

She laced her small fingers within mine, and I gave her a gentle squeeze. “Hey,” she murmured, tugging me closer. She stood up on her toes, and I leaned my head down to meet her. She pressed her forehead to mine, and I felt a sense of calm wash over me. “We are going to find her. She’s our girl, Dean. She’s our baby. We are going to find her.”

 

Ava was trying to be strong, but I could hear her voice threatening to break. There was only so much hurt one person could take. I captured her lips in mine. “I know we will,” I said, hoping to god that I was right. 

 

Castiel stood in the middle of the kitchen with his hands in his pockets. He looked fucking beat. Not that the dude slept, but he looked like he needed a nap. “Hey buddy,” I said carefully.

 

”Hello, Dean.”

 

Everyone was sitting in chairs, or leaning against the counter around the room. Everyone that we consider family, well, almost everyone. “Where’s Mom?”

 

“She picked up the scent of another case with Bobby,” Cas said, meeting my eyes. He shook his head briefly. 

 

_Of fucking course she did._ “Sure,” I grunted, my annoyance obvious. She was always bad at putting family first. She hadn’t exactly been Grandma of the year, so I wasn’t sure what I expected. Everyone was looking to me for guidance. Wasn’t Sam supposed to be the chief, or whatever? I was done being in charge. I was spent. “Alright, Cas, out with it. What’d you find out?”

 

There was no joy or hope on the angels face, and it left me feeling pretty goddamn empty. He let out a heavy sigh, and it sounded like someone was sitting on his chest. Ava gripped my hand tighter, her spare arm twisted around mine. 

 

“When I went to Heaven the first time, no one had any information. Angel radio has been quiet for awhile. It was essentially turned off since the fall. So I’ve been searching by other means and coming up short. I never understood, though, how a child could be so powerfully warded from me. Especially since we marked her at a young age for her protection. She would be virtually invisible to anyone _but_ me.”

 

I watched Cas pick his words carefully, his low gravely voice work through the best way to say whatever the fuck he was trying to get out. It worried me that his usual bluntness was being avoided. His news wasn’t good. I could feel it in my gut. 

 

“Cas,” I said to him, and he met my eyes. “Tell me.”

 

I could feel his gaze burn right through me like sunlight through a magnifying glass. I swallowed hard, my mouth going dry, and my stomach falling through my ass and smacking the floor. 

 

“I spoke to Anael, and she told me what I was afraid to hear. Michael is back. He’s possessing Eleanor.”

 

I didn’t hear him. It felt like I was underwater. Everything felt muffled. All I could see was the little five year old girl crawling into my bed after a nightmare. My best friend, my little girl with her pigtails and her toothless smile. I felt like I was going to throw up. I released Ava’s grip and turned sending my fist into the wall. There was a deafening  crack  as the bones in my hands splintered. I fell forward, my legs giving out, only to catch myself with my uninjured hand against the wall. Ava was at my side immediately, holding me up and rubbing my back. 

 

“No,” I grunted. “You’re wrong. She would’ve had to say yes. She never would’ve said yes. She’s  smarter  than that.”

 

“She would have,” Claire spoke up. I turned to look at her. Her gaze was hard, fixed, and serious. “She would’ve done it to save you. She _is_ you, Dean. Of course she would say yes.” Her voice was full of hurt, but not surprise. Just a hardened disappointment.

 

“She shouldn’t have... She...  fuck.  I’m the parent. She never...” I couldn’t catch my breath, and Sam came to me with a paper bag. I put my mouth to the opening and breathed in and out.

 

“So what is the play?” Jody asked, standing up from her seated position.

 

I couldn’t catch my damn breath. I couldn’t hear over the crinkle of the paper bag, but I trusted that Ava was paying attention. This was all too fucking much. 

 

Ava

 

Castiel had an idea of where Micheal would be. Anael was contacted by Micheal initially, but her loyalties were wobbly at best. We just needed a plan of how we were going to capture him, or get him out of El. 

 

It all got to be too much for Claire, and she walked out, her sleeve covering her eyes.  _“I just need a minute.”_

 

There wasn’t a good answer, not really. We didn’t want to hurt Nel, and even though Castiel was able to mend Deans broken bones in his hand, he wouldn’t be able to heal any real damage that Micheal could do to her.  _“She is the perfect vessel. Her psychic abilities make her mind strong, and she is a direct line from John and Dean. She is the next sword. He will not give her up willingly.”_

 

We would fight to the death for her. We would do anything. 

 

“I’m gonna make some more coffee,” Sam said with a sigh, he turned to Eileen and signed something brief to her before she nodded back to him. 

 

I glanced up at the stairs. “I’m going to check on Claire. She’s been gone awhile,” I sighed, standing up. 

 

“I’ll go with you,” Dean said, giving my hip a squeeze. 

 

We walked up the stairs and pushed out into the night. It was really late, or maybe it was really early. I took in a deep breath of the crisp winter air and felt my chest sting and my nose tingle. I needed to lose it. I needed to break down, but I couldn’t. I had to be strong. I folded my arms across my chest, and Dean wrapped his arms around me. “Are you okay?”

 

“Are you?” I asked, my voice not sounded half as strong as I wanted it to. I closed my eyes to try to center myself.

 

“I’m not, Ave.” He placed a kiss into my hair and buried his face into my curls. “You’re not either.”

 

A single sob escaped my lips, shook my chest, breaking through. “She’s our little girl, Dean.” 

 

His arms moved up to wrap around my own arms, and he squeezed me gently. He held me tightly, keeping the cracks in my heart from breaking. I gasped a bit and let myself collapse. I cried, my chest shaking, and my head dipping to my chest. It hurt, but letting it out, screaming, sobbing, and digging my nails into my arms.

 

I let myself relax, when there were no tears left in my body. My eyes were swollen, and my throat stung. I was gasping for breath. “You’re okay, Ave. I’ve got you,” he whispered into my hair. 

 

I turned around to face him, and I hugged him tightly. “I love you with my whole heart.”

 

He pressed his forehead to mine, his hands rubbing down my back. “Love you with every breath in my body.”

 

I wiped my eyes and released our embrace to look for Claire. We’d given her enough time. We gave ourselves enough time. Well, at least all the time we could allow. 

 

“Claire?” I called, looking around. 

 

“Biker Barbie? Where ya at?”

 

The frost on the grass and driveway were undisturbed, and I suddenly had a terrible gut feeling. “Dean?”

 

He turned to me with a tilt of his head. “What’s up?”

 

“I don’t think she came out here.”

 

“Then where is,” he began, before something clicked in his head. I watched his eyes widen and his eyebrows shoot up. “Oh son of a bitch!” 

 

He turned on his heels, pulling me back into the bunker. We opened the door to the garage to see a line of cars, all pristinely kept. Dean’s speed picked up as he jogged to the end of the line. He saw it before I did, but by his reaction I knew exactly what happened. 

 

“Mother fucker!” Dean shouted, collapsing to his knees, his fists colliding with the concrete ground of the garage. 

 

Claire took the Impala. She was going after Michael. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your patience with me while I work through the end of this fic! I have the rest of the chapters mapped out, but it is hard for me to execute the end knowing that I have been working toward this for so long! I am involved in three bangs/fests at the moments so my updates are irregular, but I am going as quickly as I can to still provide quality content. 
> 
> As always, your comments and support means more to me than you will ever know! I love you all, and I hope you are enjoying the last installment of this series. HMU @themoonandotherslikeit on tumblr if you’d like to scream. It gives me life, you have no idea. I’m also always willing to answer any questions that you have, so come at me with them as well! 
> 
> Until next time!


	16. Out of My Mind

Claire

I think I knew that it would always end this way. Me, the open road, and my bag of weapons in Dean Winchester’s stolen car driving toward a fight that there was no way that I’d win. He likes to talk a big game, about how he would die at the end of a barrel of a gun, but that isn’t exclusively a Winchester trait. The moment that Castiel stepped into my father’s skin, my life changed forever. It was always going to end this way, and I accepted that a long time ago. I expected it. What I didn’t expect, though, was  _her_ .

Ella was a dream that I didn’t know I had, and it’s cheesy, and honestly really fucking lame, but she made me want things. Things I didn’t know I was allowed to want. My foot pressed harder on the gas when my phone rang out for the thirteenth time in the last twenty minutes. I glanced at it, before turning it off. I wasn’t worried about them tracking me, because they already knew where I was headed. I just needed the head start, and I had one. Ella was still in there, and if the guys fucked around like they always did, they could get her killed. I couldn’t let that happen.

I didn’t have a plan, not really, but I was thinking through one as my fingers tapped the steering wheel to the beat of one of Dean’s old cassette tapes. He was an old grouch, but he had good taste in music. We didn’t always get along, Dean and me, but we had one big thing in common. We both loved El. How could we not love her?

Ella and I never told the Dad’s, but we had plans. She would graduate early and we would go on the road hunting together. Motels, long drives, and watching the sun rise above the horizon. Both of us against the world, fighting the good fight, but as I drove toward her, knuckles white against the dark steering wheel, I considered the other possibility. I considered giving it all up. It was never an option. Not when I lived at the bunker, and Castiel tried his best to be the father that I needed, not when I stayed with Jody, and not even when I fell in love with Ella.

She had the itch, just like I did. It was a disease, and every time we scratched the itch, it just made the need grow and fester. I couldn’t see me doing anything else but hunting, until losing her became a real possibility. Until I saw that endless stretch of Kansas road as I headed toward Chicago. Maybe we could be happy living a normal life. Ella could go to college, and we could have a shitty studio apartment. We could spend Saturday’s cuddled up in bed watching some dumb movie in just our underwear. I could help her study and reward every correct answer with an article of clothing stripped away. We would be happy, and after a while that itch would dull and fade away altogether.

The most likely option, though, was that I’d storm in, guns blazing, and I’d die looking into the empty eyes of the only person who ever made me feel worthy of love. My only hope rested in her sappy romance novel logic, that true love can solve anything. It’s the duct tape of life, or at least that’s what she always used to say.

_One Year Ago_

I was lying in bed with my headphones on, in my new bedroom in the Men of Letters bunker. It was temporary, so my bag was still packed, and my boots were ready to slide on at any time next to the bed. I glanced up at the door as it opened slowly, El’s head poking in. “Sorry to bother you,” she squeaked, as I removed my headphones.

 

“Uh, you’re good.” I offered her my best smile. I didn’t need to be a huge bitch to her, she was stuck here too. “What’s up?”

“I was just making sure you had everything you needed.” She stepped into the room slowly. She was wearing a pair of plaid pajama shorts and a tank top, her hair braided to the side. She didn’t wear any makeup, I noticed, but damn she didn’t need it. She was pretty in this way that was completely effortless. “How are you holding up?”

I sat up in bed, pulling my knees to my chest, and letting my headphones rest around my neck. “Honestly? This place sucks. Its gloomy, dark, and it’s really fucking boring.”

El laughed, pushing a stray hair behind her ear. “Yeah, it can be.”

“What do you do around here for fun?”

She brought her hand up to her chin and tapped it, literally  tapped  it like she was some kind of cartoon character. “It depends, what are you in the mood for?”

I felt a grin tug at the corners of my mouth, and I let my legs swing over the side of the bed, sliding into my boots. “Something… _Bad_. I’m in the mood for trouble.” I realized how big of a cliché I was, but my need to rebel was sewn into my soul.

El met my eyes and smirked a bit. “I know just the thing, follow me.”

So I did. We walked, creeping through the halls of the bunker in the dark of the night, past Castiel’s room where he was up watching something on Netflix, past Sam’s room where he was sleeping peacefully, and Dean’s empty room. She put her finger to her lips as if to remind me to be quiet as we crept past Jack’s room.

We made it to the end of the hall and down a set of stairs that went deeper into the ground. If I wasn’t so used to battling actual evil, I would’ve been creeped out, but El was still walking barefoot, which put me at ease. “This is my favorite room in the whole bunker,” she mused, grinning at me over her shoulder as she pushed open a heavy door.

I wasn’t sure what I expected when the florescent lights flickered on, but an old dusty library hadn’t made the list. I raised an eyebrow and shoved my hands into my jean pockets. “A… _Library_?”

El turned to me, offering me a wicked smile, and wiggled her index finger at me asking for me to follow her, before she disappeared between the stacks. I shook my head, letting out a heavy sigh, before I followed her through the books and into a different world entirely. Deep within the stacks, she disappeared behind a shelf, squeezing between it and the wall. “El?” I called, squinting into the darkness.

 

“Come on,” she said with a laugh.

She was like some kind of fairy leading me off to my death, and against my better instincts I held my boobs in place and squeezed back behind the shelf. It was tight, but only for a second. It was dark until she clicked on a light, well more accurately, a string of lights. There was a small alcove behind the shelves that she’d set up to be a secret fort. There was a big mattress, blankets, pillows, string lights, a laptop, stacks of books, and snacks. “Holy shit.”

“Welcome to my evil lair. It’s the perfect place to escape from all of the testosterone in the bunker.” She flopped down on the mattress and pointed to a wooden trunk against the wall. “Don’t tell Dad, but Auntie Ro enchanted some candy in there for me.” She propped herself up on her elbows, smiling at me wickedly, and the reflection of the string lights danced in her eyes.

“What does that mean?” I asked, kicking off my boots and crawling toward her. I sat at her feet, my legs folded in on themselves.

“It means…” She reached over and opened up the box, taking a bite of the Twizzler, immediately giggling. “That you asked for  bad .”

I could feel my neck and cheeks heat up with blush, because  _my god_ , this girl would be the death of me. I held out my hand, palm up. “Hit me.”

But instead of handing it to me, she got on her knees, crawling to me with the Twizzler still between her teeth. “Take it,” El mumbled.

My heart pounded in my temples, but I leaned forward nonetheless, taking the other end of the Twizzler between my teeth. My eyes were locked with hers as I tugged away, chewing the strawberry flavored liquorish. An entirely different heat bubbled through me, then, and I met her giggles with my own. _Enchanted was right!_ She almost glowed, sparkles on her cheeks from the magic, and I laid on my back beside her. We stared up at the ceiling just giggling and talking about stupid shit. Things that didn’t matter, and things that did.

_Present_

The building that Michael had her in was large and certainly heavily guarded. The idea that I could get the element of surprise was unlikely at best, so it was lucky that I had no intention of surprising Michael. I just needed to get into the building. The rest I’d leave to love.

_Jesus, when did I turn into such a girl?_

I got out of the car, blade strapped to my calf, gun in my hand, and I crept into the building. It looked like a regular office building with large glass windows. There were regular looking employees walking around in suits, filing, drinking coffee, and gossiping. No one seemed to care for me as I slipped through the back. It made sense for Michael to take this role when he was wearing Dean, but would anyone believe that an almost seventeen year old year would work at a place like this?

I made it into the stairwell without being seen, and I climbed. The echoes of my boots were louder than I wanted, but I had a lot of distance to make in a short amount of time. Michael had to be on the top floor, he just seemed like that kind of douche.

I slowly opened the door to the top floor, after taking a second to catch my breath, because fuck I was out of shape.

The hallway was empty, long, and carpeted, lining a various number of office doors. I let out my breath in a soft easy exhale as I left the stairwell. I stayed low, against the wall, ready to attack anything that came at me. The sound of gentle typing on keyboards alerted me that I wasn’t alone, along with the distant ring of a phone from one of the offices. I used to wonder if my Dad would be proud of me for the life I was living, but I stopped caring about that a long time ago. He left. I don’t have the energy to care about the people that leave me, but  El … she didn’t choose to leave, not really. Whatever he did to get her to say yes, I knew that she was doing it for love.

The end of the hallway was closer now, and at the end was a glass door exposing a big office with a lot of windows. A young woman in all black, her hair curled, falling down her back in loose spirals, she tapped her pointed high heeled shoe like she was impatiently waiting for someone. I swallowed hard.  _Eleanor_.

“Come on in, Claire. We’ve been waiting for you.”

Ella

“You son of a bitch!” I struggled against the chains that restrained me. Michael locked me in. I said yes, damn it I was so stupid!

_He would’ve killed them… He probably still will._ I felt sick to my stomach, my body lulling into the chains. It was no use, after all it was a mental block, and I wasn’t in control. He was walking around wearing my skin like a fucking weirdo, probably wreaking havoc. I just wished that he gave me a place like he gave Dad to rest. At least then maybe I could be happy before I burn away. That’s what happens, right? After a while we just disappear, like Jimmy Novak.

I swallowed hard.

I never really understood why Claire was so hard on Cas. He was my dad, one of the three most important people in my life. I understood now, though, more than ever. His skin was not his to wear, to  possess . It gave me chills just thinking about it.

_“Come on in, Claire. We’ve been waiting for you.”_

What? “No! You motherfucker!” I banged against the chains again. Hearing her name in my own voice was unsettling at best. Maybe he was playing around. Maybe it was a new kind of torture. There was no way that Claire could be there… but she was. I knew it in my soul, deep down, because she would always come. I knew, because if it were her here in chains, I would come. I’d go anywhere that she was.

Claire

“You may as well put down the gun; I know you wouldn’t want to hurt your girlfriend.” Michael turned, wearing El’s face, and offered an honestly terrifying smile. Her shoulders were back and she wore an intense, red lipstick that she would’ve never chosen for herself. She adjusted her blazer over her black dress and gestured to the seat across from her desk. “Please, sit down.”

“I’d rather stand,” I said curtly.

Michael’s lips pursed, and sat down carefully. “Well, I’ll sit. I’ve been standing all day. Commanding an army is… exhausting.”

“An army?”

“Certainly you know already. You’re smart, cunning, beautiful. I know you, Claire Novak. I know you, because  _she_ knows you.” She tapped her temple, sending chills down my spine.

“Let her go, Michael. It’s creepy having a thousand year old man inside of a teenager.”

“She thinks you’re funny, you know. I, on the other hand, am not amused.” Her eyes flashed at me, no… not her eyes. Michaels eyes glowed blue, flashing dangerously. “I don’t want you to be a problem. I anticipate that if I choose to kill you it will cause problems in here.” Her finger tapped her temple. “I don’t want to have problems, Claire. You’re a smart girl, so I’m sure you can understand that. I don’t have to kill you. You can work  with  me.”

My lip curled up and anger bubbled within me. “No offense, but fuck you and fuck your offer. I’m sure as shit not here to join you. I’m here for my girlfriend, and I’m not leaving without her.” I moved quickly, leaping over the desk and reaching for her shoulders. I wasn’t sure what I expected to happen, if I was being honest. Michael was right; I wasn’t prepared to hurt Ella.

I managed to catch him by surprise, and we tumbled backwards, the desk chair rolling away. We hit the floor, her on her back and me lying on top of her. My immediate instinct was to laugh, like we usually would when we were in this kind of situation, but this time there was nothing to laugh about. I pinned her arms back. “Ella, listen to me! It’s Claire! I’m here!  Fight it! ”

“Claire?”

I looked down, my fingers loosening just slightly on her wrists. “El?”

Her lips curled into a smile that stretched, looking unnatural for her face, and Michael stared back at me. “You feeble little girl, did you really think that’d work?”

“El  _please_ , baby! I know you’re in there!”

Her lips pursed, and her arms moved with great strength under my grip. Strength that could only belong to Michael, he pulled up, slamming her forehead into mine. I stumbled back, immediately seeing stars. The back of my head hit the ground, bouncing, and my vision blurred. Michael hovered over me, but all I could see was Eleanor.

Her fist pulled back and Michael hit me, connecting with my jaw, cheekbone, and  nose . I could feel pieces of my face break under El’s fists. It seemed excessive, he could put me down with the snap of his fingers, but he didn’t. I looked up at her, through the blood in my eyes, and the swollen flesh around my eye socket. Her face was wild, maniacal,  _evil_ , there was enjoyment painted on her cheeks and mouth, but behind the eyes there was something else. He was trying to make her watch. He was trying to break her. 

 

“El,” I gasped. “Baby it’s okay. This isn’t you, I know it isn’t you.” Another hit, sending my head to the side, my broken cheekbone pressed against the scratchy carpet. “I forgive you. You aren’t doing this. I know it’s not you. It’s okay.”

 

My vision was almost completely gone, and I didn’t feel the pain anymore. I knew I was being hit, but it didn’t matter, not really. “Do you remember what you told me the night you said you loved me?” 

 

I wasn’t sure if I was even speaking anymore. I couldn’t feel the throbbing of my wounds, the strike of her fist, or the scratch of the carpet against my skin. 

 

Ella

 

It was horrible. There weren’t enough words in the English language to describe it. He’d kept me chained, locked away for the unknown amount of time since I’d said yes. I had no idea what he was doing with my hands, with my face, but suddenly it was like the curtains were opened, and I could  _see_. It was what I imagine sleep paralysis to be like. I had no control over my mouth, my words, or my hands. My actions were not my own, as I watched my own fists collide with Claire’s jaw. 

 

It felt like slow motion as saliva and blood shot from her lips. 

 

_“What’re you doing?” I asked. I’d snuck into the kitchen for late night ice cream, and I wasn’t expecting to find her in her pajamas, standing with her nose in the fridge._

_“Late night ice cream.”_

_I grinned widely. “I had the same thought.”_

_She extended her hand, offering the pint. “Well get your cute ass over here then, Winchester.”_

 

I could feel hot tears rolling down my cheeks, wait... no they weren’t. I wanted to cry but my face, my real face just smiled.  _Fucking move!_ I begged, but nothing happened. Just another hit, and another, and another. 

 

I wanted to look away. I wanted to say I was sorry, and tell her that I love her, but instead I just had to watch. She looked barely there, hit after hit, blood running out of her mouth and nose, but she still managed to look up, right into my eyes. It was  _my eyes_ , not Michaels. She was talking to me. “Do you remember what you told me the night you said you loved me?” I could barely hear her, I felt like I was underwater, but I did. I heard her.

 

_I paced back and forth on the ledge of the billboard, waiting for Claire. We’d been fighting. She was stupid and got bitten by a fucking werewolf. A werewolf! I wanted to slap her. I wanted to cry. I gripped the railing tightly, my knuckles turning white from the pressure._

_“You look mad,” she commented, finally having climbed up the ladder._

_I turned toward her with tears in my eyes. “That’s a goddamn understatement.”_

_“I just...”_

_“No,” I snapped. “You listen.”_

_Claire pressed her lips together in a line, and I was honestly surprised, she wasn’t the kind to back down._

_“You can’t do that. You can’t go out and get hurt...die, get turned into some terrifying nightmare monster... no way. I won’t allow it. I’ve spent my entire life watching my Dad go, Sam, and Cas. Everyone I love leaves me and risks everything. I won’t let you do it, too.”_

_“Can I talk now?”_

_“Are you going to say something to make me more mad at you?” I asked, my nails digging into my arms as I crossed them angrily._

_“Maybe.”_

_“It’s your funeral.”_

_“Guess I’ll stay away from the edge then,” she said, backing up against the billboard, with a cheeky smile._

_I was not amused._

_“I know that you think I’m being reckless and unsafe. That’s what Jody thinks, too. I’m not, though. I’m just trying to do good, Ella. I’m trying to do what’s right. Maybe its to make up for what happened to my parents. I didn’t grow up with love like you did. So this, hunting, it’s all I have. Sometimes I feel like if it rains hard enough I’ll fade away into the dirt, like I’ll disappear.”_

_I shook my head and stepped toward her, my eyes flickering up to hers. “Claire, damn it. You don’t get it, do you?”_

_“Get what? Are you going to hit me?” She flinched, turning her face away from me._

_I captured her chin in my fingers, turning her to look at me. “I’m not going to hit you,” I said softly, looking into her eyes. “I love you, you fucking idiot. I love you so much, and the rain can’t wash that away. Nothing can.”_

 

I gasped, and with a force that I didn’t know I had, I pulled my hands away from her face. Suddenly, I could see Michael, holding the strings like the fucking puppet master he was. I grabbed ahold of him, and pinned him against the wall of my mind. 

 

I looked at Claire, my fingers shaking, knuckles bleeding, and I smiled a bit, a tear finally escaping my eye. “I remember,” I gasped. 

 

Claire laughed a breathless, pained laugh. “El.” 

 

“It’s me, fuck... I’m so sorry.” I put my hand under her head. “I have control... just... I don’t know how long.” The door burst open, and my head shot up. I met my fathers eyes, and he was holding some weird stick with a pronged end. “Dad?”

 

“Nel?” My mom asked, her eyes wide as she popped around my Dad. 

 

“I have control, but Claire needs help... I... I need help.” I closed my eyes for a second, fighting to hold Michael back. “Take me home and get this fucking angel out of my head.” 

 

Castiel walked forward and leaned over Claire, pressing two fingers to her head to heal her. She sat up slowly, looking as beautiful as ever. She pressed her lips to mine, and I hugged her tightly. “Eleanor.” 

 

I turned back to Cas. “What do I have to do?”

 

He held out a pair of handcuffs. “These should keep him from being able to hurt anyone.” 

 

I nodded and held out my wrists for him. He clicked the cuffs in place, and Claire laced her fingers with mine. “Let’s get the hell out of here,” I said tiredly. I pressed a kiss to Claire’s ear and whispered. “Don’t you ever be stupid like that again.” 

 

“Love you, too.” 


	17. Goodbye Isn’t Always The End

Dean

“El,” I exhaled her name and took her hand in mine. We had her chained down, so Michael couldn’t hurt her or us. She was pale and sweating, trembling. She looked like how Sam looked during the trails. She was fighting hard to keep Michael at bay. I stroked the back of her hand with my thumb. We had an IV in her arm to keep her hydrated. Ava was asleep curled up in the chair on the other side of the bed, I draped a blanket over her, wishing she would go and sleep in a real bed. She needed rest. We all did.

“Dad?” Eleanor croaked out, her tired eyes opening to look at me. She’d been passed out for the last two  days,  and I couldn’t believe that I was hearing her voice.

I scooted closer to her. “Yeah, Sweetheart, I’m here.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Hey, hey now, don’t do that.” I pushed a damp hair out of her face, my chest aching. “It’s not that bad, okay? We have a plan. I’m  gonna take care of you. I always take care of you.”

“He wants me,” she whispered, a tear rolling down her cheek.

“He can’t have you.”

“I’m scared, Dad. I don’t think I can fight him off much longer. I’m not strong enough.”

I wanted to hit something, to scream, to fucking take back every stupid mistake I’d ever made. More than anything I wanted to turn back  time so I could make the right choice and lock Michael up in that coffin for good.

But that wasn’t an option. So instead I cradled the back of her head to sit her up, and I slid into the bed behind her. She settled between my legs, with her head on my chest. “I’ll be strong enough for you,” I promised her, kissing her hair. I wrapped my arms around her protectively like I had been doing her whole life.

“I wanted to save you.”

“Honey, you did save me. You’ve been saving me your entire life. I don’t think I would’ve made it when Mom died if it wasn’t for you.” I stroked her hair, my eyes burning. I couldn’t lose her. I fucking couldn’t. I rocked her gently, stroking her hair. “Dad’s got ya, kid. I’m here. I ain’t goin’ nowhere.”

Even though I wasn’t much of a singer, I found myself humming Simple Man low against her hair. It gave me something to do other than thinking about my daughter wasting away. Rowena  was trying to find a spell, but she looked when Michael was wearing my meat suit, and she didn’t find anything. Sam was pouring through the lore, calling contacts, trying  everything . We felt so fucking useless.

The chains around her wrists were inscribed with an Enochian spell to keep Michael weak, but even if they were working, he was still killing her. I wanted to take him back into me and go to sleep in that box, but even if they’d let me, doesn’t seem like Michael wanted to come out to play.  At least not with me.

Ava sat up with a start, breathing heavy, and looking around. “Dean?” 

 

I placed a finger to my lips and glanced down at Eleanor. 

 

She let out a sigh and stood up slowly, her body stiff.  “Any changes?”

 

I shook my head sadly. “She’s about the same.” 

 

Ava stroked her hair and bit her bottom lip. “Why is this happening to her? She’s a good kid... I just... there has to be something we can do.” 

 

I knew the feeling.  That helpless, sickening feeling. I’d felt it a thousand times over. It was the same way that I felt when I dug that hole at the crossroad so long ago. I’d give anything for my family, but sometimes we just have nothing left to give. “I remember when she was a baby, and she had this ear ache. She had a fever. She cried and cried. I didn’t think I’d ever get her to stop. She was so upset and hot. I was terrified...” I swallowed hard at the memory. 

 

“What’d you do?”

 

“Took her to the ER. Some ear drops and a bottle was all it took, but I felt like the worst Dad. I just kept thinking , _Ave would know what to do if she was here_.” 

 

She smiled at that, shaking her head. “I didn’t know any more about kids than you did, Dean.” 

 

“Maybe I just didn’t want to face it alone.” 

 

“We always did feel stronger together,” she admitted. “Dean... do you think she’s going to pull through? Think we will find a Hail Mary?” 

 

I ran my tongue along my bottom lip. “We always find one,” I said quietly. We needed hope, and she didn’t need to hear that we’d already exhausted all of our options when Michael was inside of me. She didn’t need to hear that there wasn’t any hope left. 

 

Cas poked his head into the room. “I’d like to try to take a look?” 

 

I nodded and waved him in. He walked to the side of the bed opposite of Ava and pressed two fingers to her forehead. 

 

Ella

 

My back was pressed against the door. It rattled angrily as Michael screamed and shook it, pounding his fists against the wood. It was already splintering, I could  feel  it. I felt like everything was falling apart. My arms ached, and I knew that I couldn’t stay like this much longer. 

 

My eyes flickered up from my feet to focus on a presence that I felt enter my mind. “ Cas ,” I breathed. I wanted to be relieved, but I knew better. I recognized that wrinkle on his forehead. 

 

“Eleanor.” 

 

“It’s bad, isn’t it?”

 

He nodded, the smallest movement of his head told me a detailed story, and I let out a sigh. 

 

“That’s what I was afraid of,” I admitted, licking my bottom lip. It was dry. It was all so dry. “I’m dying.” 

 

“He is trying to break out,”  Castiel explained, walking to me. He examined the door behind me. “He appears to be getting close.” 

 

He pressed his palms against the door over my head, closing his eyes. I could feel a heat against my back from his grace pulsing through the door. “Damn it,” he whispered.  “I’ve stabilized it, but it’s temporary. It won’t last long.” 

 

His hands fell to his sides, and I took his hand in mine. “It's okay ,  Cas . Just... don’t let Michael out. I don’t care what you have to do. Put me to sleep and bury me in concrete. We can’t let him out into the world.”

 

He shook his head. “I can’t do that, Eleanor. You know that.” 

 

“You have to.” 

 

“You’re my daughter. You’re his daughter.” He cupped my cheek with his strong fingers and a tear escaped my eye.  _ Damn it ,  betrayed by my own eyeballs!  _

 

“I couldn’t have asked for a better childhood, a better family. You all have to know that. Make sure that Sam knows that you’re my Dad’s.  All three of you. Don’t let Mom think that she failed me, either. This time I’ve got to spend with her is amazing…” 

 

“Stop,”  Castiel warned. “You’re not going to give up. That isn’t what Winchester’s do. They fight stubbornly longer than possible.  You don’t get to quit on us, Eleanor. You will tell them yourself.” 

 

I could feel my lip tremble. I couldn’t hold back anymore. I was just  _so tired_ . He was so much stronger than me, and I could feel my own life source fading away. I always knew that love would destroy us. My family was built on it, brick by brick. We were glued together by our love for each other. “He’s going to hurt you, all of you. I can’t… I love you all so  much; please don’t let him kill you in my skin.” 

 

Sometimes I wondered what other families fought about.  I was jealous of the simplicity of all of my classmates. I’d hear them at their lockers talking about how mean their mothers were for not letting them wear a skirt or go out with a boy, and I’d just laugh. They had no idea what it was like to watch your family walk out of the door and not know if they’d come home in one piece, or at all. Every day I watched pieces of my family being chipped away. They’d die, or come back different, a little harder to get close to. I could see the cracks in my father like a mosaic. He was still my dad, but he wasn’t the same as he was when I was younger. 

 

I was terrified to know what his life looked like without me, but at least he had Mom. They had each other, and that had to be good enough. 

 

“I won’t let him kill anyone, and that includes you.” 

 

Growing up I thought  Castiel was so magnificent. When he still had his wings we would go flying together. He’d pick me up from daycare and we would zip through time and space together. It was magical. He felt a little bit like a fairytale character, forever in his trench coat, never really aging. He’d bring me back fantastical gifts from his travels, exotic candy and other presents. It felt like being raised by Santa Clause. He was fierce, and I knew that before he lived wit us he was a soldier, a damn good one I gathered, but now he was just one of my Dads. He raised both me and Jack. He was strong when Dad left to face Amara,  rocking me and promising that it would all be okay. That  my dad was a hero, but I don’t think that he and Sam ever truly realized, that  all of my dads were heroes. 

 

I smiled up at him weakly. “I don’t think we have much control over what he does,  Cas .  Maybe our luck has just run out.” 

 

He looked down at me like I was breaking his heart, probably because I was. Isn’t that the point? You have a child, love them with everything, and then they break your heart. It’s our job. 

 

“Cas ? Can I talk to Jack? Can you bring him in here and show him how to do it? I’m too weak to use my energy outside. I’m too tired.” 

 

“Are you going to tell him goodbye?”

 

“He won’t understand,” I said softly. “If I don’t talk to him he won’t understand. I owe him that much. He’s still just a kid.” 

 

“ _You’re_ just a kid,” he said desperately, but by the look in his eyes I knew that he agreed with me. He would do whatever I asked. He was  a honorable man. 

 

“I love you,  Cas .” 

 

He pulled me into a hug, burying his face into my hair. “I love you, too, Eleanor. I never expected that I would have a daughter, but you are so much better than anything I deserve.” 

 

Ava

 

Castiel opened his eyes; he was under, inside of  El’s mind for several minutes. His blue eyes flickered open and met mine, causing me to suck in my breath. “What’d you find out?”

 

“I was able to put a small block to help secure the hold she has on him, but I’m afraid it will not hold for long. We are racing against the clock. He is very powerful, and she is downtrodden as well as weak.” 

 

“Downtrodden?” Dean asked, weakly. 

 

“She asked me to bring Jack here.” 

 

“Jack?” I asked, my eyebrows coming together. I had a sick gut feeling. “Why?” 

 

“I think she’s trying to say goodbye.” 

 

My eyes met Dean’s, and I felt a tear roll down my cheek. 

 

“Did you tell her that  ain’t happening?” Dean asked angrily. “We don’t give up in this family.” 

 

“I did,” Castiel said, a deep sadness in his voice. His shoulders were slumped and his eyebrows knit together. He looked defeated, and it wasn’t sitting well with me. “It didn’t seem to make a difference. She is very tired.” 

 

“Listen here, little girl,” Dean whispered into her ear. I could only hear because I was standing close, tuned in on his every movement since I’d been back. “I’m not letting anything happen to you. Do you hear me? You’re not giving up. This  ain’t some farewell tour.” His voice broke then, his green eyes turning a little bluer as tears spilled over the edge. Eleanor was limp in his arms, her head lulling, and I knew somewhere deep inside of me that it was all ending. The book was closing on this chapter, and no matter how much we didn’t want it to, it was completely out of our control. 

 

“Get the kid,” I whispered, pained. If it was what El wanted, then she should have it. She could have whatever the hell she wanted. 

 

I turned and left the room, suddenly itching for a cigarette even though I never smoked in my life. I ran up the stairs and pushed out into the cool night. I collapsed onto my knees and looked to the sky. I knew that praying was futile. I’d tried, and no one was listening. So I just sat there on my knees waiting for something to happen, something to change,  _anything_ . 

 

“Ava?” 

 

I looked up at Sam who stood over me, towering like the giant that he was. My heart ached for him. “Sam,” I exhaled his name in a breath of fog into the cold air. 

 

“What’re you doing out here?” 

 

“It’s El, she… she’s going to die.”

 

“What?” He crouched in front of me. “We aren’t there yet, right? Shit I was gone twenty minutes…” 

 

“She’s saying goodbye to us, Sam.  Cas said she’s weak. She doesn’t want to fight anymore.” 

 

Eleanor Mary Winchester, the little girl with many names, and a family that was large from the beginning. She carried the weight of both of her dead grandmothers, her father, and then me. But she was raised by three strong men who fought tooth and nail for a safer world. 

 

“We always think we can’t fight anymore, but then we just keep fighting. It’s in her blood… she’ll, she’ll pull out of this. She has to.” 

 

“I don’t think she will, Sam. Call it a mother’s intuition. I think this is the end.”  She was Sam’s daughter longer than she was mine. She belonged to him from the beginning. “I’m not sure if I ever thanked you, Sam.”

 

“For what?”

 

“For being there the day she was born. I don’t think… I don’t think I could’ve done it without you, without your support. That’s the thing about us Winchester’s. We are stubborn as hell, and we don’t give up in a fight, but that’s because when one of us is too tired to go on we hold the other up. We fight in their place or alongside them.” My voice trembled as my tears fell into the snow, melting little dots into it. “I just wish I knew how to fight with her on this one.” 

 

He slowly lowered himself to sit next to me in the snow, wrapping a protective arm around me. “You don’t have to thank me.” 

 

“Of course I do,” I whispered, resting my head against his shoulder. I didn’t bother stopping the tears. I wasn’t in control, not over anything anymore. “You saved me, and I gather after I died you saved him, too.”

 

“Like you said, we all save each other. It’s what we do.” 

 

I wrapped an arm around him, plastering the two of us together; the steady beat of his heart in his chest was keeping me from breaking in two. “What will we do if she dies, Sam?”

 

“We’ll do what we always do,” He said. Heartbreak was evident in his voice from the strain and gritted teeth. 

 

I’m sure he meant it to be comforting, but as I sat outside in the cold, frosty air, seeking something more, I felt anything but comforted. I felt cheated, broken, and more than anything I felt completely void of hope.

 

Ella

 

“Jackie ,” I said, standing up from my seated position in front of the door. The rattling had decreased since  Castiel put the block up, and I was grateful for the silence, even if I knew it was short lived. “Hi.” 

 

“Ellie,” Jack frowned, walking to me. “What’s going on? Is it Michael?” 

 

“Come sit with me.” I took his hand and led him to a couch that seemed to magically appear when my mind willed it to. I sat crisscrossed on the couch, and he sat next to me, his hands resting on his knees. 

 

“Why did you want to talk to me?”

 

“You’re my little brother,” I began, trying to be as gentle as possible.  “And so I wanted you to hear it from me.”   


“Hear…what?”

 

I took his hand in mine. “Look at me, Jackie.” 

 

He did. 

 

“I love you, you know that, right? I am so glad that I got to be your sister.” I brushed a piece of hair from his face and offered him a brave smile. 

 

“I love you, too, Ellie.” He frowned and sniffled. 

 

“Hey, don’t be sad, okay?” I poked his cheek, invoking a smile. He had such a sweet smile. “I don’t think I’m going  to make it out of this, but I’ll always be right here.” I poked his chest, above his heart. “As long as you remember me, I’ll always be with you.”

 

He took my hand, holding it against his heart. “But you’re with me  now .” 

 

“ I don’t want to scare you,  Jack,  but I need your help. I don’t think anyone else can do what I need. You’re my baby brother,” I said through the tears that were welling in my eyes. “ I can’t do this without you. ” 

 

The knocking came again, the rattling doorknob, the scratching, and banging at the door.  He was awake, and we were running out of time. 

 

“Of course,” Jack said softly, a tear rolling down his cheek. “I’ll do whatever you ask me to, Ellie.” 

 

Dean

_Later_

 

Jack didn’t tell us what they talked about, and she didn’t ask for  Cas to juju anyone else into her mind. I hated being jealous of the kid, but fuck I was. Of course I was.  We were all gathered in the kitchen talking, trying to figure out what to do, if there was even anything else to do. She’d been sleeping consistently, but her condition was still declining. She was now in an oxygen mask along with the IV. Sam was worried we’d have to intubate her, but Ava and I weren’t ready for that. Not that we’d ever be ready. 

 

“There’s  gotta be something.”

 

“Dean,” Rowena sighed, her eyes red from crying in private. “I’ve called in the best in magic, and there just isn’t anything available to help the wee one.” 

 

“Then they aren’t the best!” I shouted, not meaning to raise my voice. 

 

“We all love her, Dean,” Jody reminded me, as she tightened a protective arm around Claire. 

 

“I know.”  I turned, slamming my fists on the counter before slowly sliding into it, pressing my face into my hands. “ Fuck, I’m sorry. I just… I can’t lose her… I…” 

 

My head perked up as the beeping coming from the machines connected to El in the other room turned into one steady, long, drawn out beep. Before I could process what was happening, I was already running, Ava on my heels.  I almost slid into the door of the room, but the door was left open. I stepped in only to find  her bed empty, the tubes and wires hanging lifelessly from their machines. “What the…” 

 

“Dean!” Sam called from the other room. 

 

I exchanged a quick look with Ava before running back into the kitchen. Eleanor sat on the counter with her legs crossed at the knee. She wore my Led Zepplin t-shirt and her Harry Potter leggings. She still looked like hell, her eyes with big bags underneath them, sweat still glistening on her forehead. Her head was piled on top of her head, held up only with a hair tie.  A trickle of red blood ran down her arm where her IV was ripped out of her skin. 

 

She looked like the same girl who was lying in that bed moments before, but she wasn’t. I could tell by the look in her eyes, the dead, almost a mused expression. “Dean,” she hissed. “Do you know how much your daughter loves you?” She turned her hand over to examine her nailbeds. “Far more than she loves herself.” 

 

“Michael,” I  said, my mouth dry. “What did you do to her? 

 

The laugh that trailed out of her lips didn’t belong to my daughter. 

 

“Ella!” Claire called. 

 

“Jody get her out of here!” I insisted, holding up my hand to stop her. “It’s just me and you Michael.” 

 

Michael smirked, letting both of her legs down, her bare feet touching the floor as she stepped toward me. Tables were still between us, and I could feel Ava’s energy twitching behind me. She wanted to run to El, but we couldn’t. We were at a standstill. “That’s what I wanted, too, Dean. You wouldn’t have that. It couldn’t just be  us . You had to lock me behind that door.  Your daughter is powerful, but she’s still so young.” Her hand ran along her cheek, and down her neck.  “So easy to manipulate.”

 

“Get out of her. Come back in,  _yes_ . I’m saying yes! You know you want the premium suit. I’m your  sword .”

 

“You were,” Michael said flatly. “That ship has sailed. Sorry for your luck, but I’ve tapped into a dark place within sweet Eleanor here. Did you know that she was guzzling demon blood since she was a baby? Its grotesque, honestly, but it gives her mind great abilities. If you would’ve cultivated that when she was young… I would have had a true match, but alas. I do not.” 

 

Michael tilted his head, the bun shifting on top of  Nel’s head. “ _Jack_ .” The k was crisp, almost a flick of his tongue.  “My brother’s bastard offspring. Perhaps I’ll save you for last.” 

 

I saw Sam creeping up behind Michael, trying to use his focus on Jack to our advantage, but it fell short. 

 

“Tsk, tsk Sam.” One finger was all it took to send Sam flying across the room, his back hitting the wall. 

 

“Cut it out! What do you want?” 

 

“Let her go!” Ava screamed. 

 

Michael’s eyes rolled dramatically and he flattened the hair that was falling out of Eleanor’s bun. “I never was a patient man. It wasn’t my strong suit. I didn’t fare well playing with others, so instead I just chose to play alone. I think I am growing tired of this game. Let’s end it, shall we?” 

 

Eleanor closed her eyes, and when she reopened them they were glowing blue.  I recognized the smirk, and I turned to Ava. “Close your eyes!”

 

Ava looked at me, her blue eyes widening. She looked at me under dark eyelashes, her eyes fluttering shut. She covered them with her hands. I turned back around, it all just happened so fast I didn’t think. All I could see was my daughter in front of me. 

 

They say when you die that your life flashes before your eyes. That didn’t happen to me. I wished it had, because I would’ve given anything to see my girls one last time, to see Dad, Bobby,  Sam. I didn’t see any of it. I didn’t see anything. 

 

It was just a white hot burning behind my eyes, inside of my head. I felt like I was boiling alive from the inside out. I scratched and clawed at my face, trying to put the fire out, but it burned so much deeper. It reminded me of Hellfire, and if I was being honest I didn’t even realize that I remembered what that was like. The worst part, though, was this horrible screaming. It was loud and inhuman, and it sounded so close.  I just kept thinking,  _ this is the end_. I would listen to that horrible  sound, and burn alive until the end of time. But before everything went dark, and I slipped from this life into the next one, I registered that the screaming was coming from me. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for hanging in there!! We are nearing the end of this series, and I am so emotional about it! My plan is for 28 chapters in total. So we have about 11 to go!  
> I know things seem a little stressful right now, but just remember, hope is the whole point. Never keep fighting! That’s our SPN mantra, and so don’t give up on me yet. ❤️  
> Love y’all so much, your comments make my world! Yell at me on tumblr if you want! @themoonandotherslikeit  
> It all gives me life.


	18. If I Could See You One More Time

Dean 

 

I could never forget the first day I saw my daughter. 

 

_ "Normally I'm really good at talking to women." I said, trying to be smooth. "You are so beautiful. So much more than I could've dreamed." _

 

She was better than I ever could’ve imagined. El was the dream that I didn’t know I was allowed to have. When Ave died I was broken, but I wasn’t surprised. I never expected to have a good life, a _full_ life. Marriage and kids were never a possibility until they were. I got spoiled,  _safe,_ but i n the midst of everything I never considered that I’d never see my kid again, that I’d lose her. I thought I shielded her from everything, from the supernatural and the pain of hunting, but I was wrong. There was nothing like seeing Michael take over her. I knew what that was like, and I wouldn’t wish it on my enemy. 

 

There were times over the years that things looked pretty fucking grim, but I guess I never really expected it to be this bad. Or maybe I just didn’t expect that I’d still be conscious enough to understand how bad I fucked up. I wasn’t supposed to ruin her life, I was supposed to be a good dad, fuck, I  _ failed.  _

 

I failed once and then I kept on failing. 

 

I’d never forget the sight of my little girl staring at me chained up in the chair when I was a demon. She wasn’t supposed to be there, and I knew that, but she didn’t even look afraid.  _ “I miss you, Dad.”  _ Cas drug her away, but she was still reaching for me. She never asked for much, and I still failed. I’ll never forgive myself for any of it.  

 

In my head, I always knew that this was a possibility, an end so final that not even Chuck would bother to rewrite it. 

 

Everything was dark when I came to. I’d seen blackness before, the night sky, Ava’s hair, the paint on the Impala, but nothing was quite  _ this  _ black, _t_ _ his  _ dark. It was a void, like how Cas described the Empty. It was lacking of everything, not static, or outlines, or hope, or fucking  _ anything.  _ It was just dark. 

 

My ears were ringing, and my skin felt tight. I groaned instinctively, barely hearing myself over the heavy fog that surrounded me. It was pressing, holding me down. My mouth felt dry, my skin burned, and something smelled different. 

 

_ If this is my heaven I’m going to be so fucking pissed.  _

 

I remembered, then, what Billie said, and I suddenly didn’t feel so good about my shots at Heaven. Not after everything I’d done. Michael burned my ass out, and he did it wearing my baby girl. Poor Ava had to watch me die, and the fact that I was all alone gave me hope that maybe, just maybe she was still okay somewhere. That maybe she was still alive, maybe she made it out okay.

 

I heard something then, a beeping noise, a dripping sound. I was growing more and more aware of everything around me. My hand stung, but under my palm I could feel fabric. It was stiff and a little scratchy. 

 

The sounds were muffled, but it sounded faintly like talking. My fingers twitched as I felt something cool brush my skin. I willed my eyes to open. I was either in some weird afterlife, or Michael didn’t burn me out after all. All I remembered was a white hot light and then blackness. I was drowsy, and I felt out of it as hell, but the more I seemed to wake up, the more clear everything became.  _ Fuck my eyes are so heavy _ . 

 

“Dean?”

 

The voice was clear now.  _ Ava, you’re alive. Thank fucking Chuck.  _ I cleared my throat, because it was so damn dry. 

 

“Shit, he’s waking up. Hey, it’s me… do you need a drink?” 

 

I nodded slightly, everything aching.  _ Where the fuck am I? _ I recognized the scent suddenly, it was sterile, alcohol swabs, and cotton. It was a hospital. I hated damn hospitals. 

 

I felt a straw against my lips, and I took it in, taking large sips of cool water. Nothing had ever tasted so good. Maybe I’d been in Hell after all, because the last time water was that good was after I clawed out of my grave. I cleared my throat, and moved my hand up to my face to check my eyes, because it was still dark and if my face was paralyzed I’d be pissed. I could feel fabric along my temple, and I frowned. Did I hit my head?

 

“Hey, don’t,” Ava said quietly, her fingers touching mine and bringing them back away from my face. 

 

“Ave?”

 

“Yeah, hey it’s me.” 

 

“Hey back,” I said with a cough, my voice was still pretty raw, and I wondered how long I’d been out. “What happened?”

 

“Oh Dean,” she whispered.

 

That didn’t sound good. 

 

“Ava what’s going on? It’s…” I didn’t need her answer. The blackness, the burning, and pain. I could see her face in my mind,  _ Pamela.  _ I didn’t want to ask it. I didn’t want to fucking hear it. “Cas can’t… Cas can’t heal it?” 

 

She was silent, but her hand squeezed mine. 

 

“Ave? Talk to me. I can’t… I can’t fucking see you if you’re nodding.” 

 

“Sorry,” she squeaked. “No. He was able to keep you stable, but he couldn’t…” 

 

“He couldn’t make me see,” I said finally, pained. I was fucking blind.  _ Goddamnit!  _ “Help me sit up.” 

 

“Just be careful, okay?” 

 

I could feel her hands on my arms as I scooted up. The morphine, or whatever drugs they had me on, had my limbs feeling heavy. I could feel her adjusting pillows behind me, and I rested against the backboard. “How are you? Are you okay?” 

 

She wasn’t touching me anymore, but she still felt close, like a vibration to the right of me. I always said I could find her in the darkness, so I reached out my hand and brushed her. It felt like jeans, hard, and round.  _ Her knee _ , I decided. I rubbed it gently, and I heard a few sniffles, she sucked her breath in before letting out a shaking one. “I’m fine. I’m… I’m fine.”

 

“You don’t sound fine.” I frowned, wincing from the burns that rubbed under my bandage. “Talk to me.” 

 

“It’s not me.” She was crying. I knew that sound. 

 

“Where’s Sam?” I asked quickly. Surely he’d be there if I was in the hospital. 

 

“Sams at home…” 

 

“He’s okay?”

 

“Yes.” Ava’s voice cracked, and I could feel her body shaking with sobs.

 

“What is it? What the fuck happened, Ave? How’d you guys get rid of Micheal… how…” I froze in place. The morphine had my mind foggy, like I didn’t know what year it was, like I didn’t know what life I was in. Sam would be here, _but_ _so would Eleanor_. “Where is she?”

 

Ava was crying harder, and I felt so sick to my stomach like I could hurl. My fingers curled into a fist. If she was in the hospital Ava would be with her and not me. Was Micheal still in her? He couldn’t be, because then we would all be dead. 

 

I could feel her stand, causing my hand to drop back to the bed. The bed groaned as she sat next to me, and took both of my hands in hers. She was sniffling, and trying to get it together enough to say whatever it was that I didn’t want her to say, that I couldn’t fucking hear. “Micheal was going to kill you, he almost did.” Tear drops were falling on the backs of my hands like rain. “And Jack stopped him. He used the spell that was burning his soul to use his powers. He stopped Micheal before he could kill you.”

 

“And?” I prompted through a tight jaw. I could feel the pain growing and twisting in my gut. That wasn’t it, it couldn’t be. 

 

“He burned out Micheal, sucking his grace out, but the attack was too powerful.” 

 

“Micheals dead,” I repeated, my voice hollow. 

 

“Yes,” Ava’s voice broke, and she brought our hands to her face, burying her eyes into the backs of my hands. 

 

“And El?”

 

I didn’t want to know. It hurt so goddamn bad. Worse than a broken bone, worse than my eyes burning out of my body, worse than the torture in Hell, worse than holding Ava as she died. It was the most painful thing I’d ever felt, but I had to ask it. I had to know, even if it killed me. 

 

“He didn’t mean to. He was trying to save us, to save  _ you _ …”

 

“Tell me.”

 

“She didn’t make it, Dean. We lost her.” 

 

There was no escape. There was no running from it. I was staring into a black hole and now I had to do the worst thing, I had to live without my kid. I never signed up for that. I never expected it. It was never an  _ option _ . 

 

Ava cried, and I just sat there, because I didn’t know how to live in a world without El. I was already thinking of options. Spells. Transactions.  _ Rituals _ . I was counting down the seconds until I was alone so I could get the fuck out of there and make a deal. She was sixteen, weeks away from her birthday, and she’s gone. 

 

“Mr. Winchester?” It was a voice I didn’t recognize. “His heart rate is much too high, I’m going to give him something I to relax.” 

 

I didn’t want to relax, but I couldn’t speak, and after a rush of heat through my arm I felt the weight pressing down on me again, until I was drifting beyond the plane and into another world altogether. 

 

****

 

I had no fucking clue how long I’d been asleep, but without any light coming into my vision, it was hard to tell day from night, let alone sleep from awake. Maybe it was all a nightmare. 

 

“Hey, how’re you feeling?” 

 

“Sammy,” I grunted. “You take babysitting duty?” 

 

“Ava needed to get some sleep in a real bed. I had Cas take her home and watch out for her.” 

 

My jaw was tight, and I turned my head to him, sitting up. I wasn’t sure what the point of  _ looking  _ at him was, since I couldn’t see him, but it was a habit. ”What about Jack?”

 

“We don’t know where he is,” Sam admitted. “When he saw what happened… he just sort of disappeared.”

 

“He’s hiding. He should, because the second I get out of here I’m going for him.” 

 

“Dean, no…” 

 

“Yes, Sam. He killed her. She’s  _ dead _ .”  _ I didn’t even get to say goodbye _ . My chest tightened at the thought, but I tried to control my breathing so the nurse didn’t rush right in and put my ass back to sleep again. 

 

“He was trying to save us. He did save you.”

 

“Doesn’t make a difference.”

 

“He’s our son.”

 

“No,” I said through clenched teeth. “He isn’t. He’s Lucifer’s son, and he’s a killer. We have tried it your way, Sammy, but I’m fucking done. He isn’t our kid, but she was my kid. She was our blood.” I didn't realize I was crying until I felt wetness on my cheeks. Couldn’t be good for my burnt out eyeballs, but I didn’t bother to care. 

 

I could  _ feel _ Sams fucking puppy dog eyes. “Quit with that look,” I snapped.

 

“What look?”

 

“That one.” I gestured blindly and hoped I got his face in the general area. “I knew the kid was bad news. Sorry, Sam, but some people just can’t fight their nature.”

 

“They thought that about me, too.”

 

This shit again? 

 

“It’s not the same thing and you know it.”

 

“I miss her too, Dean. Cas is working on finding Jack, and Rownea is looking for a way to bring El back as we speak. Just don’t do anything crazy.”

 

“We are so beyond crazy, Sam,” I said seriously. I was out of the damn game. What kind of a hunter is  _ blind _ ? My daughter was dead in the dirt. My life was fucking over. 

 

“Cas will pull through, he always does.” 

 

“What’s he gonna do, Sam? Go into Heaven and pull her out?” 

 

“He did with Jack.” 

 

“But Jack is part angel. She’s _human_. You can’t just bring humans back like that.” I was being a pessimist, but things didn’t exactly seem hopeful.

 

“We can try to call Chuck.”

 

“Because he’s answered us before? You’re delusional.”

 

“And you’re being a dick,” Sam snapped angrily. “You’re just gonna give up on her like that? On  _ her _ ? I’m sorry about your eyes, Dean, I am,  but since when do you quit? Always keep fighting, that's our mantra. I believe in us, and I believe in her. We will get her back. I don’t see any other option.” 

 

“And I don’t see anything at all.” 

 

_ A few days later _

 

“I’ve got all of your stuff, are you ready?”

 

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I said, sitting on the edge of the hospital bed, my feet planted on the floor. My bandages were gone, and I was sporting a cool pair of sunglasses. At least Ava insisted that they were cool, and I hoped she was a good judge. Cas had come by and healed up the rest of my wounds, but there was no hope for my vision. Eventually I’d be able to get some glass eyes if I wanted, but I wasn’t sure what the point was. I didn’t know what the point of anything was. 

 

Ava touched my elbow, lacing her arm with mine. I stood up and held onto her arm firmly. “Do you want the walking stick?” 

 

“No,” I grunted. I didn’t know how to use the damn thing yet. I had all kinds of therapy coming up, and I wasn’t looking forward to it, I just wanted to curl up and sleep. 

 

According to Ave, they didn’t have a funeral for El yet. I wasn’t looking forward to that either. Cas kept trying to talk to me about a plan, and I didn’t have any. I was all out of plans. There was nothing left to be done. 

 

“Alright let’s go,” Ava said tightly. I felt bad. I was being a shitty husband. Maybe she should find another one. 

 

Walking around felt forgein, wrong, honestly a little intimidating. I didn’t like not knowing my surroundings. 

 

“There’s two steps down,” Ava instructed. 

 

I took the steps cautiously. I wasn’t used to needing help. We walked for a few minutes before she stopped. She took my hand and I felt cool metal against my fingers.  _ Baby _ . I felt something bubble inside of my chest. I hadn’t even thought about my car. I’d never be able to drive her again.

 

“Hey, are you okay?” Ava asked gently. 

 

I cleared my throat and grunted a response before pulling the door open and lowering myself into the passenger seat. The familiar smells of leather filled my nose, but the sense of calm that usually washed over me when I got in my car was gone. All I could see was learning how to drive, teaching Sammy, our years on the road, Ava’s body in the back seat, Eleanors car seat, teaching her how to drive… There were so many memories inside of that car. 

 

I heard Ava sit down next to me and start the car with the hum that I loved so much. It felt forgein now. I turned my face away from her, to hopefully hide the distaste that was surely painted on it.

 

We were driving, moving forward, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was standing still, that I’d never make any progress again. Everything had changed in a flash of white light, but suddenly I was stranded in a place that I could never leave no matter how hard I tried. It felt cold, lonely, and unbelievably hopeless, like I may not live through the rest of the day, or even worse, that I will. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y’all! I know this chapter was really sad and not very hopeful, but stick it out. We are in the home stretch! There are likely 7-8 chapters left in this thing. Hold on with me and never give up. :) It’s the SPN motto after all, never stop fighting! 
> 
> Yell at me on tumblr if you wish @themoonandotherslikeit
> 
> Thanks for sticking it out with me, y’all are wonderful!


	19. How Will We Survive This?

Ava

 

If I could’ve imagined the worst thing in the world, it would’ve been  _ nothing  _ compared to what was in front of me. Dean was a shell, at best. He winced at my touch, and I was trying with every piece of myself  _ not  _ to be angry with him or blame him. How could I? It wasn’t his fault, but fuck I needed him, too. Our daughter was dead, but the guilt was eating him alive. Probably because we all knew that there wasn’t a deal in the world that could get us out of this one. She was just gone. 

 

I didn’t know how we would make it through. The only upside to everything, was that Dean couldn’t see me watching him, and so that’s all I did. I watched him constantly, for any sign or spark that we would be okay, or that he had a plan. There was nothing. 

 

I walked him in the room to see Nel, like I did when she was a baby, and he met her for the first time. He didn’t even cry, he just placed his hand on her arm and winced away, shaking his head.  _ No.  _ He turned and walked out without me, leaving me in the dust. 

 

Sam caught me outside of the bunker, sitting on the hood of the Impala with my knees pressed against my chest. A half empty bottle of vodka was placed between my feet. The sky seemed dull, like the stars had lost their sparkle, but maybe it was me. Maybe I had lost my sparkle. 

 

“Hey.” 

 

“Sam,” I exhaled his name in a fog of breath into the cold winter night. 

 

“How are you holding up?” 

 

“Not good.” I shook the bottle at him before taking a swig; it stung, but not as much as everything else did. I wiped a tear with the back of my hand. “I don’t know how we are going to survive this, Sam.” 

 

I glanced at him to catch him wince. He lowered himself next to me on the hood of the car, more leaning against it than sitting. “We’ve survived a lot of things that I never thought we would.” He was rubbing his chest with the heel of his hand and in the moonlight I could see a glisten of tears along his lash line. 

 

“But  _ this _ ? She’s our girl, Sam.” I could feel my voice breaking, a spider web crack across my soul. 

 

“I know.” He exhaled out of his nose sharply, with a small smile. “I remember the day she was born.” 

 

“A parent isn’t supposed to live without her child. She was supposed to outlive me… outlive us.” 

 

“We can’t give up,” Sam said intensely, turning to me. “Ave it isn’t over. It can’t be over. Nel and Jack… we will find them, and we will fix everything. I mean, fuck, you’re back after sixteen years. You don’t know what it was like losing you. That did something to Dean, to me… but we survived it, and you’re back.” 

 

“I want to believe you, Sam, but at some point our luck has to run out. We got Dean back,  _ me  _ back… but you both said it yourselves. God isn’t listening anymore.”

 

“Just trust me. I believe in us.” 

 

“I want to… I really want to, but look at Dean. He’s gone, and I don’t think I can do this without him.” 

 

“Dean’s strong, Ave. You know that,” Sam began, taking my hand in his. “He just need some hope. We all do.” 

  
  


Dean

 

I hated funerals, from day one I hated them, but this, nothing had ever been as bad as this. I’d lost a lot of people over the years, but nothing could compare to the pain of losing my kid. I stood, leaning on a goddamn walking stick. Ava helped me get dressed like I was a child, and no one would leave me alone for a second, not a fucking second since I’d been home. Every time I thought I was alone, I’d hear the famous hello Dean, and I’d about jump out of my skin. I had no privacy, but more than anything, I had no more fucking time.

I could hear Ava sniffling next to me like it was a loud speaker. I’d already yelled at her once today, so I felt like a big enough dick. I didn’t have a right to reach out and take her hand for comfort, and if I was being honest, I didn’t want the comfort. It was my fault that she was dead. I didn’t deserve the relief.

I’d only been home for a few days before we decided we needed to do it. My baby girl had been wrapped in cloth for long enough.

I could smell the gasoline burning my nose, but all I could see was Nel at one year old, standing on two fat wobbly legs, her knees with those little dimples that I thought I could drown in. I could see her with a skinned knee and two big wet eyes, crocodile tears rolling down her freckled cheeks. I could see her hand brush my cheeks as she forgave me for everything I’d done and everything I ever could do. Even at such a young age, she possessed traits that I never could. She was my whole life. At least she should’ve been, but no, hunting was my whole life. Now I didn’t even have that. Everything was ripped from me.

Suddenly I wanted to vomit, but I held my ground, pressing my palms into the smooth, polished wood of my walking stick, and pressed it into the ground. I could feel the heat and hear the hiss of the fire as it gained life.

“Ella,” Claire said, with a shaking voice. She was probably reading from her page that she’d written. It’d become a tradition. Burn your feelings along with the body, let it out into the atmosphere, breathe it into your lungs, and then breathe it out and let it go. But I thought that maybe this time, just this once; I could breathe it in and suffocate.

“I’m not good at this shit, but you deserve it. You deserve a poem or a whole novel of reasons why I love you, but I’m a bad writer. I never know the right thing to say. I’m angry all of the time, but you taught me that even when life expects us to be unhappy, that it’s okay to be happy anyway. I don’t know what to say, so I thought I’d make a list.”

I never noticed when I could see, but the salt and burn funerals smelled kind of like a barbeque.

“I love you because you’re so smart. You can spend all day reading, and I could spend all day watching you read.”

I taught her how to read.

“I love you because your laugh lights up a room. You’ve got the best smile. You could move mountains with it, and you did. You manipulated all of us with your smile.”

“Dad, please?” How could I say no to a face like hers?

“I love you because you knew how to hold a grudge. Jesus, Ella you were so petty it was ridiculous. You brought home a cat to piss off your dad and make a point...” Claire’s voice trailed off, and I could hear her laughing, but it was laced with something else. It was laced with a dark hopelessness. I recognized the sound, because it sounded like my own.

“My two other dads said it was fine. You did say they’d be taking over the parenting when you were in the middle of the ocean, right?”

“But more than anything,” her voice broke and shook with sobs. “I love you, because you are love. Everyone that you meet loves you. You love with everything in your heart. I can see it in your eyes, your face, and your body. You made this weird group a family, and you continued to love all of us even when we couldn’t love ourselves. You loved us, and I will love you my whole life.”

It’s a myth that losing a sense heightens the rest of the four senses. I didn’t gain super smell, or super hearing, but in that moment, I could’ve sworn that I could hear the sound of my own heart breaking. It was loud, like shattering glass inside of my chest. It was too fucking much. “I can’t do this,” I found myself muttering. The walking stick dropped from my hands, and I was running. I could hear Ava calling for me, and fuck it was terrifying. I was running against the blackness, away from the heat and the smoke with my hands out in front of me so I hopefully wouldn’t run smack into a tree.

Nel died. Eleanor died. Jack killed her. He murdered her and sucked her life right out of her.

“I’m scared, Dad. I don’t think I can fight him off much longer. I’m not strong enough.”

I lied to her. I told her I’d be strong enough, and I wasn’t.

I was still running and then I wasn’t. My toe caught something, a hole, a rock; it didn’t matter, because I was falling on my fucking face. My cheek stung as something sliced it right open. So I just laid there, nose in the frozen grass, hot blood falling out of my cheek, and my sunglasses skewed on my face. I probably looked fucking ridiculous, but that didn’t matter, did it? My daughter was dead, nothing mattered. Not anymore.

“Dean,” Ava said, her hand touching between my shoulder blades.

“Just leave me alone,” I snapped. “Just let me fucking  _ be, _ goddamnit.”

“Dean,” Sam warned in a very parental tone, a tone he learned from me. Serves me right. 

 

“Don’t.”

“I know you’re hurting,” Ava said, her voice breaking. “I am, too. She’s my daughter, too.”

“Not like she was mine.” It wasn’t fair. I was being a monster. Maybe I just needed her to hate me as much as I hated myself.

“You’re right, you stubborn fuck. You got sixteen years with her. I didn’t even get one.” I heard the sound of her stand up and storm away, the soft thuds of her shoes against the grass.

I sighed into the blood that was pooling into my mouth. Maybe Sammy would just let me drown there. I had no such luck, though. He reached around me and rolled me over. “You’re such an asshole,” he complained. “Claire’s gonna kick your ass for ruining Ella’s funeral.”

“Not helping, man,” I grumbled.

 

“You’re not helping either, Dean. We all love her. Not just you.”

 

I pulled away from Sam’s grip, and he thrusted my walking stick back into my hand. 

 

“So fucking make it right with Ava,” he demanded. “She didn’t deserve that.”

 

He was right. 

 

“I need some time,” I said weakly. 

 

I heard Sam groan and suddenly there was a hand on my shoulder, I recognized the warmth of the palm that grazed over an old scar that had healed. “Cas,” I said with a sigh. 

 

“I’ll come with you, Dean. You shouldn’t be alone.” 

 

“I don’t need a babysitter,” I complained. 

 

“We don’t care,” Sam added. “I’m going to check on Ave.” 

 

I nodded in the general direction of my brother’s voice, then turned toward where Cas’ arm was coming from. “I can’t do this, Cas.” 

 

“You’re strong, Dean.” 

 

“No, I’m not. Not strong enough.” 

 

“There’s nothing more difficult than losing a child…” 

 

“We didn’t lose her,” I hissed through gritted teeth. “She was murdered.” 

 

“Dean,” Cas warned.

 

“Why haven’t you found anything?” I asked, shrugging out of his grip, holding onto the fucking walking stick for dear life. 

 

“I've been searching, but Jack… Jack doesn’t want to be found.” 

 

“What about Heaven?” 

 

I could hear the familiar hesitation in Cas’ breathing that always came when Dean mentioned Heaven. 

 

“ _ You  _ wouldn’t let me lock myself in that fucking box and now my kid is dead. I don’t give a shit if you don’t want to go to Heaven, Cas. Get your ass up there and bring her back,” I demanded with a force that I hadn’t used with Cas before. We were family, who the fuck do I think I am?

 

“Dean…” 

 

“Don’t  _ Dean  _ me, damn it! Just do it!” 

 

There was a woosh of air, and even though I didn’t see it, I knew that I was alone. For the first fucking time since I’d been blinded, I was completely alone. 

  
  


Ella

 

I’d talked Dad into it. Sam thought it was a good idea, and so did Cas, but that didn’t stop Dad’s annoying insistence that I didn’t need an anti-possession tattoo. 

 

_ “You won’t be anywhere near demons, so it’s a non-issue.”  _

 

_ “You don’t know that!” _

 

We didn’t fight about a lot of things, but hunting was the one exception to the rule. 

 

“You sure you don’t want to get a flower or something?” Dad asked anxiously, scratching the back of his head as the artist shaved the inside of my arm and prepped the area.

 

“Yes, I’m sure,” I laughed, shaking my head. “Come on and hold my hand, Dad.” 

 

He made an annoyed face at me, sitting in the chair next to me. He took his hand in mine, curling his fingers around mine. 

 

It was a rite of passage, like I was officially a Winchester. So I put on a brave face, but as the stinging started I sucked in my breath. 

 

“Hey kid, you have to remember to breathe.” 

 

“Right,” I said through gritted teeth. I closed my eyes, trying to focus on my breathing.  _ My god, I’m a huge baby!  _

 

“You remember Kevin?” 

 

_ What?  _ “Y-yeah I do.” 

 

“He cried like a baby when he got his,” Dad said gently, stroking the back of my hand. “And his mom, Mrs. Tran, took it like a badass. Didn’t even wince.” 

 

I let out a pained laugh and opened my eyes to meet my father’s concerned gaze. It was the same look he gave me when I had appendicitis when I was eight, or when I fell of my bike. I smiled at him tenderly. I knew my whole life that he would never let anything happen to me if he could help it. It was never a question on if I was safe with him. The life didn’t scare me, but I think that’s part of being a Winchester, too. It’s in my blood. The responsibility of knowledge. “You knew a lot of badass women, Dad.” 

 

“I still do,” he said softly, pushing a hair off my forehead. 

 

He was going to teach me how to drive when we left here, officially. I’d gotten my learners permit, and I was dying to learn. He’d been dragging his feet, but he knew I was growing up. 

 

The artist’s gun went back over the same space to thicken the line, and I tensed up, squeezing his hand tighter. “Hey, you’ve got it,” Dad murmured, leaning closer to me. “You’re a fighter, kid. You can get through anything.” He was petting my hair and humming to me softly. 

 

I knew he was feared from other hunters and monsters, but sometimes it was hard to see him for anything other than what he was to me. 

 

There was a loud sound outside of the shop, shouting and something else that I didn’t recognize. The artist let up on the gun, and I sat up, turning toward the front door just in time to see Castiel push through the blacked out glass door. “Cas?” I asked, confused. “What’re you doing here? Is everything okay?”

 

He looked around confused, his eyebrows together, and his blue eyes scanning the area. “This is your Heaven? Getting a tattoo?” 

 

“Heaven?” I turned to where Dad was sitting to find him gone. It was just Cas, and I alone in the shop. “Shit,” I murmured as everything flowed back to me.  _ Michael.  _ “He killed me, didn’t he?”

 

“It’s complicated,” Cas said with a sigh. He walked up to me and sat in Dad’s empty seat. 

 

“Cas what happened? What aren’t you telling me?” 

 

He took my hands in his, which made me immediately feel sick to my stomach. He wasn’t known to lie to me, if anything he was the most truthful of the three. He was an angel, and he believed in honesty. In most instances, he believed that we deserved the whole truth. “I will tell you everything,” he agreed, but before he began speaking he pulled me into a tight hug. It was unexpected, and I was stiff at first, but I quickly redirected and wrapped my arms around him. “It is good to see you, Eleanor. It is  _ very  _ good to see you.” 

 

“It’s good to see you, too, Cas,” I whispered into his shoulder. 

 

Castiel was emotional for an angel, sure, but for a person he’d never been much of a hugger. Every time I would try to hug him, he felt stiff and awkward, which was part of his charm nonetheless. But the tightness of his hug told me almost everything that I needed to know. Things were really bad, and as far as solutions go, they sent him to me… which meant that they had none. 

  
  
  
  



	20. A Little Piece of Heaven

Ella  


Cas pulled away from our hug after a moment. He was staring at me with that _look_. His forehead was wrinkled, and the bags under his eyes hung heavier than I’d ever seen them. It was the same look that he gave us right before Dad was about to do something really stupid. Right before he told us that he couldn’t heal Jack. A pit grew in my stomach as the pieces came together. They clicked as they fell into a perfect picture. I died. It was the kind of realization that should’ve been earth shattering, but what’s the point of having everything crumble around me when it _already_ did?

“What happened, Cas?”

He sat down in the seat that Dad was sitting in, and I settled back on the tattoo table where I’d been laying. His palms were flat on his knees, and his blue eyes were avoiding mine. He wasn’t one for beating around the bush, so things had to be bad.

“Michael took over. He attacked Dean… he was going to kill him.”

My gut wrenched. He couldn’t have killed Dad, if he did Dad would be here… wouldn’t he? “Is he…?”

Cas shook his head no, and I immediately breathed easier. “It was Jack. He saved Dean. He saved all of us.”

“Little Jackie,” I whispered, smiling to myself. “I always knew he’d be the one. He’d save us all. I think it’s his destiny, don’t you?”

His pair of blue eyes examined my face, searching for something. He didn’t smile. He didn’t agree. There was more. “What is it, Cas?”

“He burned his soul away killing Michael.”

“His soul… all of it?”

“I don’t know for certain. I haven’t had a chance to examine him.”

“Haven’t had a chance because…”

“Because he left,” Cas said sadly, his voice dropping another octave. It resonated through the empty room, making me feel so much more alone. 

“Why would he do that?” 

“When he killed Michael he burned you out, too.” 

_Oh._

His words hung in the air between us.

“He has to know that it isn’t his fault. He _has to.”_

Cas shook his head. “I don’t think he does, and Dean… Dean isn’t happy with how things turned out.”

My heart squeezed at the thought of my dad dealing with this. _Oh god._ Dad, Mom, Sam, _Claire._ I wanted to cry, but I bit down on the inside of my cheek instead. I couldn’t get emotional. It was all over. It’s been over. “Cas you have to get Jack back. You have to… you have to talk to my parents. You have to tell them that I’m okay. They can’t stop being a family.”

 He sighed heavily, his shoulders slumping. He was a strong man, but even for a strong man, he was carrying far too much. “I will try, Eleanor. I will try my best. Things aren’t going well at the moment, as I’m sure you can imagine.”

 “You can’t let them fall apart.” I could feel the tears welling in my eyes, disturbing my vision. “They have to figure it out. There isn’t any other choice.”

 

Ava  


“Where the fuck are you, you coward?!”

 “Ave,” Sam said with a wince.

I turned and looked at him from my kneeled position. I must’ve looked like a crazy person in my hands and knees in the snow, but fuck, what were my other options? “Leave me alone, Sam.”

I needed answers, and I was screaming to Chuck for some. It was pointless, I knew, because he wasn’t fucking listening. He didn’t care before, so why should he care now?

 “When have I ever been capable of doing that?”

 I closed my eyes and curled my fingers into the snow. “Never,” I admitted breathlessly. “She’s dead, Sam. I need her back. Dean needs her back. She’s our baby.”

 “I know.” He placed a hand between my shoulder blades. It felt like he pressed a button, because my heart cracked then and sobs poured out of me. “I can’t… I can’t do this… I…”

 “Hey,” he whispered, falling to his knees. He pulled me into his arms and held me like a child, like he used to.

 It should’ve been Dean, but it wasn’t.

I’d always heard that losing a child would rip couples apart, but I was barely even _back_. Maybe there was nothing to tear apart. “There has to be something that we can do.”

Sam shook his head. “I don’t know if there is. Rowena said there isn’t a spell… if she brought her back it would be Nel.”

He smelled familiar, even after all of this time. It was comforting. It brought back a completely different ache within me, one that I hadn’t realized was still there.

 “I don’t think we will survive this, Sam. I think this will break us.”

 “No,” Sam said sharply, shaking his head. I couldn’t see him, but I could feel his tears in my hair. “I won’t let that happen. I won’t.”

 

Dean  


Nobody ever tells you that when you become a parent you’re no longer yourself. I wasn’t me before Nel was born, not really. We all give pieces of ourselves to the people that we love. Sammy has a big part, Ave has a chunk, but Eleanor… fuck she had more than I ever knew. Parents don’t outlive their kids. It aint the nature of the beast. It’s not how things go, but there I was, laying in the goddamn snow face down without my kid.

 “Get the fuck up.”

 I didn’t bother turning my head, because I couldn’t see them anyway. Didn’t need to even if my eyes _did_ work. “Leave me be, blondie.”

 “Fuck off.” Her voice was strong, rough, but pained nonetheless. I heard a crunch of snow and twigs next to my face and two small hands pulled on my shoulders. “You don’t get to do this.”

 I tried to shake her off, but if I was being honest, I didn’t have the energy to fight. I was broken. “She’s gone,” was all that I could muster.

 “I know that,” her voice broke. “Don’t you think I know that? She was the best thing, the _best thing,_ Dean. The best damn thing that you or I have ever done. You know what it feels like to lose the love of your life so you don’t get to lay there in the snow feeling sorry for yourself when I have to pull myself up by my bootstraps.”

 “You don’t have to.”

 “What?”

 “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. When Ava died, I didn’t.”

 “So what should I do instead?”

 “Drink?” I offered with a laugh, feeling my skin sting against the cold from the snow against my numbing cheeks.

 “You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

 I groaned and slowly sat up, turning my face in the direction of her voice. “Nah, kid. I’m not. Help an old man up, and I’ll share my stash with you.”

 I half expected her to kick me in the chest, or walk away. What I didn’t expect, though, was her hand grabbing mine with a strong tug. “Fine, but I’m leading. Fall once and it’s okay, but you keep doing it and Sam is going to get you a seeing eye dog.”

I held onto her arm as I stood and kept ahold of it. Without my vision she could’ve been Nel. They were close to the same height and used the same shampoo. The calm that I felt from that thought only lasted for a second, because she wasn’t Nel. My heart squeezed again.

 The familiar musty smell of the bunker invaded my nose. The air felt heavier down there, although I’d never noticed before. Claire rested my hand on the counter, and I felt around for a chair. When I felt the cool metal, I situated myself and sat down. My aching muscles seemed to sigh in relief at my sitting. I hadn’t really realized how much strain I put on myself trying to maneuver around without my eyes. “Top shelf,” I instructed. “Behind the cans of stew.”

 I heard a creak, some rustling, then a click of glass. “How long have you been hiding this back here?”

 “Bout as long as you’ve been alive. Grab two glasses.”

Was I really about to get fucked up with a teenager?

I tried for the thousandth time to open my eyes, expecting the darkness to dissipate. It didn’t.

She placed the glass at my fingers, and I picked it up. I placed my finger in the glass to check how much she filled it, a trick I’d seen on television before all of this shit happened. It turned out to be useful. I took a swig, letting the smooth liquid trail down my throat, lighting it on fire.

 “What’s it like?” Claire asked.

“What’s what like?”

“Being blind.”

“Fucking sucks,” I admitted. “Feel vulnerable, useless… you know, more than usual.” I took another swig.

“Gonna keep feeling sorry for yourself forever?”

“Probably,” I admitted.

“She may not stick around for that.”

I pressed my lips together. “I know.” My voice was hollow, empty. I thought about Ava. Her long luscious black curls, her curvy hips and the way she swung them as she walked, her full lips, _those blue eyes,_ and the lone freckle beneath her right breast. I wasn’t enough. She deserved a man a million times better than me. She always did. “She probably shouldn’t.”

My glass was empty, and Claire poured me another. “Do you think it’s true? That time heals all wounds?”

I shook my head and said nothing. Some things just couldn’t be healed. Some things left a crater so deep inside that there was no mending it.

“Do you blame yourself?” She asked.

“Yeah, don’t you blame me?”

“Sometimes.”

“Why just sometimes?”

“Because she wanted to be a hunter. After it all, she wanted to be in the life just like her dads. So it was inevitable. We all die like this.”

No wonder Nel loved her, she sounded a hell of a lot like me. “I wouldn’t have let her.”

Claire laughed, and if I hadn’t already been pretty drunk the sound would’ve shocked me. “No offense, Dean, but I don’t think you could _let_ Ella do anything. She is a force of nature. Was.” Her voice broke.

I reached for her but found nothing but table. I curled my fingers into a fist. Everything was so fucked up and broken.

“What the fuck is going on in here?”

“Your turn to babysit,” Claire said.

“Yeah, give me that,” Ava said back to Claire with a bite in her voice. “None of us are useful drunk.”

If looks could kill I’d be dead, because I couldn’t even _see_ her, but I could feel her daggers digging into me. “Don’t start.”

“Right,” Ava muttered. There was sloshing liquid inside of glass.

“Thought being drunk wasn’t gonna solve anything.”

“It won’t, but you’re not exactly helping, so I get a pass.”

I felt her fingers graze mine as she poured me another glass and my skin caught fire. I reached my hand out and grabbed her wrist. It felt so small in mine and I almost lost it right there. “I’m a dick.”

“Yes,” she whispered. “You are.”

“I want you to hate me.”

“You’ve done that before and it didn’t work then.”

I could hear her swallow and her pale neck flashed through my mind. I loved the way it would heat up when I’d kiss down her throat. I used to be able to drown in her, forget everything about me that was wrong. I wanted her to hate me as much as I hated me. I didn’t deserve to have her since I killed our kid.

“You _should_ hate me,” I barely mustered.

“Dean,” her voice trembled, filled with broken tears. “I need you. I lost her, too. I can’t… fuck I can’t do this alone.”

I was the most selfish person alive. _Who the fuck do I think I am? Who gave me the right to not be a man? It isn’t about me. It’s about Eleanor. It’s about Ava. It’s about our family._ I pushed my whiskey glass out of the way and pulled her against me. It wasn’t as fluid as it used to be, when I could see. Our noses bumped, but I found her mouth quickly. No matter what, I knew that we could do this. _This_ we could do.

She was warm, sweet, _familiar._ She tasted like whiskey. She tasted like home. I realized, then, that I never watched her as we kissed. This was something we always did in the dark. I brushed my hand over her cheek. They were wet, because she was still crying. She placed the bottle down with a _klunk,_ and hastily wrapped her arms around my neck.

I’d become many hints while Ava was gone. I was a demon, a knight of Hell, a martyr, a vessel, a bad brother, a terrible father, and a true killer. My heart ached for the life that we could’ve had if I never lost her that day. If I never lost her in the first place. Even though they were buried deeply, I still wore the scars from Hell like a badge of honor from a war in which I was on the assaulting side, the side that fired off rounds into a crowd of children.

 

Ella  


My Heaven was a lot lonelier now that I knew everything. I sat alone in my room in the bunker. I could basically shape it to be whatever I wanted. It was like lucid dreaming, but a lot more final, a lot more depressing. I had no idea how much time had passed, but it felt like a long ass time. It kind of felt like forever.

There was a creak to my door and a blonde head popped in. The curious eyes that I knew so well caught mine. “Jack?” I searched my mind for a memory that was replaying on the big screen. It could’ve been a dozen.

“Ellie! There you are! You’re okay!”

The door swung open revealing a stark white hallway that definitely didn’t belong to the bunker. I sat up and scooted to the edge of the bed. “Jackie, what’s going on? Are you really here?”

He ran to me and got on his knees. He took my hands in his. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to. I was trying to kill Michael I…”

“Shh, it’s okay,” I said, pulling him against me. His head rested on my chest. I half expected him to cry, but he didn’t. _No soul._ I swallowed hard. “Jack, you saved Dad.”

“He is blind,” Jack squeaked.

 _Oh my god._ I felt like I was going to be sick, but I had to swallow that down, too.

“He’s strong, Jackie. He can help you. You have to go home. You have to go home…” 

“How can I face them? You have to come with me…” He pulled on my hand, but I held my ground.

“I can’t come back. You have to understand. We can’t keep breaking the rules… every time one of us comes back another one of us dies. I can’t risk that. My parents deserve to be happy. They deserve to be _together_.” I touched his cheek and sighed. “My sweet little brother… Jackie you will do great things, but you can’t run from your family.”

“I don’t want to go home without you,” he whispered desperately, wrapping his arms around my middle.

I stroked his hair. “But Clementine will miss you.”

“She’s going to miss you more.”

“You can tell her that I love her and that I’m okay. I’ll be okay, I promise.”

He looked up at me,  meeting my eyes with his brave golden ones. “You promise?”

“Yes,” I whispered, pressing my forehead to his. “I do.”

I moved out of his embrace, and I got a piece of paper and a pen and I scribbled down my thoughts. “Give this to my mom when you get back. It’ll explain everything.” I folded it a few times before giving it to him. “Her eyes only, okay?”

He nodded quickly. “I understand.”

“I love you, Jackie.”

He nodded to me and gave me one more hug. “I’ll go home now.”

“Good,” I whispered. I stood as he did, with my hands at my chest like I was watching him go off to war, because in a way he was. He opened the door to the hallway and closed it behind him, leaving me alone again.

I collapsed on my bed and let my emotions roll over me like it was the first time. Everything ached. My breast bone and my heart deep beneath it. I held my pillow to my chest and prayed to a god that I wasn’t sure existed that Dad wouldn’t kill Jack when he came back, that they would work everything out. They needed each other, more now than I ever.

The door knob to my room rattled again, and I looked up. It slowly opened, and I let out a heavy sigh. “Jack, you have to go, I’m sorry I don’t want to kick you out but…”

A woman stepped through the open door, halting my words in my mouth. I’d never seen her before, but there was an aura around her that seemed to flow out from around her. She pushed a dark curl out of her face and leaned against her sithe that was just as tall as she was. “Eleanor Winchester.”  

“Who are you?” I asked cautiously, my pillow still pressed to my chest like a shield.  

“The names Billie. We need to talk.”

 


	21. I Can See it

Ava

 

Dean held me against his chest, and I could hear the quick beats of his heart softly against my ear. He was stroking my hair and the space between my shoulder blades. It was disorienting how much he still smelled exactly the same, just like I remembered him smelling. Even after all of this time. It made me hurt. It made me want to cry. He pulled me closer, maybe sensing my pain.

“I can feel it,” he murdered against my hair.

“Feel what?” I asked. My voice was barely above a whisper, it was all that I could manage without falling apart. I worried that if I spoke too loud it would shatter my heart like glass. 

“This.” His fingers blindly felt for my face and settled on my lips, tracing my frown. “You’re sad.”

“Yes.”

“Sex with me made you sad.”

“No,” I responded, my lips curling into a small smile against his fingers. “May be the only thing that  _ doesn’t  _ make me sad right now.”

“I’m sorry that this is what you came home to,” Dean said, his voice breaking. It was rough and deep with emotion, with the same heartbreak that I was feeling in my own chest. 

I tangled my leg with his in response and buried my face into his chest. 

“I’m sorry  _ I’m  _ what you came home to…” 

“Dean,” I whispered, moving  my face away from his chest to look at him even though he couldn’t see me. I touched his cheek. His plastic eyes stared forward, his eyelids blinking. Castiel did a good job healing the scarring around his eyes. They were minimal considering. My thumb ran across his cheekbone, and I sucked in my breath, trying to swallow the emotions bubbling inside of me. “I don’t remember where I was before I was here, and I don’t want to. A parent should never lose their child.  _ Ever.  _ It’s unnatural… it’s horrible.” 

His arms tightened around me, snaking around my back, capturing me in an almost-suffocating hug. He was listening, his eyebrows furrowed. I didn’t need to see the softness in the iris of his eyes, because I could see the focus in his jaw, the gentle, unconscious nod of his head as he understood my words. He was a stubborn ass, but he always listened to me. Time hadn’t changed that. 

“But I’d still rather be here with you than dead.” My voice broke with a sob, trembling, unsteady. My fingers curled into a fist against his cheek and slid down to rest above his heart. “We never had enough time. We never…” 

“Hey,” he said, pulling me back down. “You don’t have to.” 

“She’s our baby, Dean.” 

“I know.” 

My face was in the middle of his chest, breathing in the scent of his skin with every sharp intake of breath. My chest, throat, and nose burned like my tears were made of glass. Every edge was pointed, jagged. The loss cut into me like razor blades. His face was in my hair. He was mumbling something that I couldn’t hear over the shattering sound inside my chest that echoed like an empty cathedral. I never believed in God, but somehow knowing that he is out there and that he doesn’t care was somehow so much worse. I hated him with the little bit of fire I had left inside of me. 

My hair was wet from Dean’s tears, and I pulled my face back to his. The world blurred and bled together, and I kissed him. It was wet, sloppy, and tinted with the salt from our tears. One of his hands found my cheek and held my face there. He was drinking me in, deepening the kiss, drowning me in exactly what I’d needed since I lost Eleanor, since everything broke in a way that couldn’t be repaired. 

 

Ella

 

Billie leaned against her scythe. She had a  _ scythe.  _ That couldn’t be good. She wore a long leather coat that hit her mid-calf, and all I could think was that Claire would love it. My chest ached for her, and I hoped that she would be okay. I hoped they all would. 

She was watching me,  waiting for me to do something, anything. I just sat there. What a fucking disappointment I must be. “So as fun as it is to just stare at each other…” 

“I was giving you a minute,” Billie said, pursing her lips. “You’ve had an eventful day.” 

“To put it mildly.” I watched her for a second, waiting for a movement, anything, but she was still. She was poised and patient. She looked like she had all of the time in the world. “So who…  _ what  _ are you?”

A smirk grew on Billie’s painted lips, amused and a little taunting. “I go by many names.” 

“Cryptic, but it’s fine.” 

“The most famous is Death.” 

“Death?”

_ “Death.  _ With all capital D.” 

My eyebrows shot up. “Death?  _ The  _ Death? You’ve gotta be kidding me.” 

“If only,” she said, almost sounding bored. 

“You probably know my dad then.” 

“I know him well.” Oh she knew him alright, and it didn’t sound like it was fondly. She walked towards me slowly before planting her scythe on the ground at the foot of my bed. “You’re dead Eleanor.” 

“I know,” I said with a frown. _ Does she think I’m dumb?   _

“You died, because Jack pulled Michael from you.” 

I shifted uncomfortably, a hot itch starting deep in my throat as she spoke. I didn’t like it. “Yeah thanks for the recap but I think…” I tried to stand up, but she held out a hand, halting me in place. I was frozen completely, paralyzed. I couldn’t move my arms or legs. My bottom lip trembled.

She shook her head disapprovingly. “We aren’t done talking.” 

 

Dean

 

I could kiss Ava forever. If it was up to me I would. We would never leave the bed. It was easy for everything else to melt away as her lips bled into mine, her warm, soft mouth. The tickle of her fluttering eyelashes against my cheek made a chill run up my spine. I stroked a raised stretch mark next to her belly button with my thumb. I tried to bring her body back to my mind. I tried to picture it, to  _ see  _ it, but I couldn’t. 

My jaw set mid kiss.  _ Fuck, I’ve lost it all.  _ I wanted to scream, to fucking hit something. 

“Dean?”

I took her hips in my hands and moved her off of me carefully. I could feel her muscles tense against my hands, but she said nothing. I swung my legs over the side of the bed as I sat up. My feet touched the floor, the cool concrete grounding me. I put my face in my hands. My elbows rested on my thighs. 

“Dean,” she whispered again. She pressed a kiss to my shoulder blade, and I winced. “Is it me?”

I wanted to laugh, but it all hurt too damn bad. I didn’t have it in me. “You’re crazy if you think it is.” I let out a heavy sigh.

“Then what…” 

“I can’t remember what you look like. Your body… fuck, I dreamed about it every night after I lost you.” I pulled my head out of my hands and faced out in front of me. It was all dark. I could’ve been in a cave, motel room, in the middle of the fucking street, and I wouldn’t know the difference. “I won’t be able to remember her either. I won’t be able to remember what she looked like. What kind of man… what kind of  _ father  _ am I if I can’t remember what my wife and daughter’s faces look like?” 

“Dean.” 

She just kept saying my name like she didn’t know any other words. It should’ve annoyed me.  _ Jesus Christ say anything else!  _ It didn’t annoy me, though. It grounded me. My name coming out of her lips was like an anchor tied to my leg. It was solid. I wouldn’t fly away. I matched my breathing to hers. Steadily in and out with a woosh. She said my name like she invented it, and I was starting to wonder how I ever existed without her. 

“You don’t need to see me to know me,” Ava said gently. She took my hand in hers and fuck they were so soft. Her hands weren’t like mine. They weren’t worked to the bone, damaged, rough. Her hands were the opposite of mine. She was the opposite of me and somehow that connected us together. She completed me in a way that I didn’t even know wasn’t whole until I met her. She filled a hole that I didn’t even know I had. “You know my body, Dean Winchester.” She ran my hand along her body slowly, tantalizingly. My breath hitched in my throat as my fingers trailed along the length of her neck, soft and endless. A ridge where her neck ends and  her shoulder begins, collarbones poking through a thin layer of skin. 

She slowly guided my fingers across the fullest place of her breast. I tested the weight in my hand. I ran my thumb along her nipple from the outside in, feeling it harden under my touch. The sound of her sucking in her breath was magnified.  _ Holy fuck.  _ I guided my mouth to her breast, recalling purely by muscle memory how she liked to be touched. I took her nipple between my lips and gave a gentle suck eliciting a dangerous sound from Ava. She was coming undone, unwrapping for me like a present. 

My grief was still there as I guided myself inside of her. It was still present in the back of my mind as I felt her spine curve, back arching as I flipped her over. I held her there hovering just above the comforter. The pain deep within us would always be there. I think I knew that. It fucking hurt worse than any pain I’d ever felt, but we couldn’t let it rip us apart. I held Ava there with the arch of her back in my hand, and I worried that she would fall through my fingers like sand and disappear where I could never find her again. I couldn’t lose her too, and I’m such a fucking idiot, I almost did. 

 

Ava

 

My head fell back, and I let out a frustrated breath. He was withholding, bringing me close and letting up, drawing it out as long as possible. My thigh was twitching and I was barely able to keep up, to move along with him, because my bones felt like jello. There was a sudden pressure on my body, something foreign and light. It felt like I was being watched, like eyes were on me. My eyes opened lazily, my eyelids heavy with euphoria. 

“Dean!” I squeaked as I grabbed for the comforter,  _ anything _ to cover up with. 

“Yeah, Ave, fuck… say…” 

“No,  _ no, _ ” I said, reaching up and pressing my fingers to his lips to stop him from making it any worse than it already was. 

He looked confused, his eyebrows coming together. “What…” 

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel grunted. He stood in the open doorway, the light from the hallway bleeding into our bedroom. 

“Cas?! What the fuck man?” Without missing a beat Dean pulled me up against him to shield me from view, but keeping himself planted firmly inside of me. I could feel him twitch deep within me, almost sending me toppling over the edge even with the angel’s eyes locked on her naked back. 

Castiel made a noise of discontent. “I wouldn’t normally interrupt, but I thought you may be interested in hearing about your daughter. Maybe I’m wrong though,” he said sharply. “Maybe you don’t really care.” He turned on his heels, his trench coat whipping around as he slammed the door behind him. 

Dean pinched the bridge of his nose. “Ave I’m…” 

“No,” I said, moving off of him. I pulled the comforter to my chest. We were ignoring reality, playing pretend. It couldn’t last forever. “He’s right. We need to see what he found out about Nel.”

“Okay,” he said quietly. 

It was dark, but the look on his face was as clear as day. Eyebrows together, jaw set, eyes wet along the edges. “Here,” I said, reaching down and getting his shirt. I placed it in his palm, and he curled his fingers around it. 

He put his shirt on and stood up, fumbling to his dresser to pull out a pair of sweatpants. He felt along the waistband for the tag to make sure they were oriented correctly and slipped them on. 

“Dean?”

“Yeah?” He asked, resting his palms on the dresser. I could see him in the mirror, his face facing forward, his plastic eye was completely blank. 

“It was nice,” I murmured. “While it lasted.”

_ Even if it was all a lie. _

 

Dean

 

I could feel her eyes on me like a pressure on the back of my neck. She was disappointed, and fuck so was I. We were living in a fantasy world for just a second, we were living in a world where everything could be made fine with the brush of her lips. It wasn’t reasonable. 

I didn’t wait for her to finish dressing. Instead I just stumbled out into the hallway alone. “Cas,” I grumbled, cranky and rough. “Come on, don’t leave a blind guy stumbling around.” 

Just like that a hand curled around my forearm, and I knew it immediately. I turned my face toward where I knew Cas was, and I offered him a smug smile. “What’s the news?”

“Let’s go sit down, Dean.” 

“Don’t feel much like sittin’.” 

“But I do,” he said sharply. His voice was staccato, pointed, and a little mean. I probably deserved that. 

He lead me down the hallway to the kitchen. I was getting a pretty good handle on my directions inside of the bunker, but only because I couldn’t let Sam bring home a seeing eye dog. 

“Sit down, Dean,” Cas said, placing my hand on a chair. I let out a grumbled noise and lowered myself onto the chair. I folded my arms across my chest. 

“Why are you so pissed, Cas?”

“You’re infuriating, Dean. You’re a child. Even after all of this time, I am still shocked by it. Perhaps that’s my folly, though. I shouldn’t be surprised anymore.”

“You came here to lecture me?”

“No.” 

“Then why?” I gritted my teeth. 

“I spoke to Eleanor.” 

“What?”” Ava’s voice was soft. I didn’t even hear her enter the room. 

“How?” I asked, clenching my fists. I felt like I wanted to explode. How was he getting to talk to her?  _ Why him and not me? Why is she dead and not me? _

“I went to visit her in heaven,” Castiel said carefully. 

He may as well have stabbed me in the fucking chest. I cleared my throat, trying to swallow back the pain inside of me. It felt like swallowing hot coals. 

“She wanted me to tell you that she’s okay. She doesn’t want us to stop being a family.”

My jaw tightened, and I let a tear roll down my cheek. I didn’t bother to wipe it. What was the fucking point? “Oh yeah? That’s the big update? What am I supposed to do with that, Cas? Huh? That supposed to make everything better?”

“No I…” 

“Just fucking stop, okay.” 

“She knew it wasn’t Jack’s fault,” Cas said insistently. “She wants us to find him. She wants us to…” 

“I said fucking  _ stop!”  _ I stood up, shoving my hands out to signal him to shut the fuck up, wherever he was. “I don’t want to hear it, okay? She wants us to play nice, well she’s the kid, and I’m the parent; and she’s not here to make me.” 

 

Ella

 

I looked at Billie cautiously. “Just spill it. You want to punish me for my Dad evading death over and over again, right? You want to pull me into the nothingness or whatever. Blip me from existence. I get it. Just like… can we hurry up with it?”

Bille pursed her lips and eyed me. “Your bravery is admirable, but no. quite the contrary, actually.” She leaned on her scythe and smiled at me. “You died with angelic grace still inside of you. Turns out heaven doesn’t have a leader. Before Jack came to see you Duma had an unfortunate accident. Now there is a position to be filled.” 

“What are you saying?” 

“How would you like a promotion, Eleanor?” Her eyes narrowed challenging. 

“What’s the offer?” 

“I think we can work it out in your favor.” She lowered herself to sit at the edge of my bed and tilted her head. It softened her expression. “I know how you Winchester’s operate. I think you’ll be happy with the offer.” 

“We’ll see,” I said cautiously. “If you know how we operate then you know that I was taught not to negotiate with monsters.” 

“I’m hardly a monster,” she said, almost sounding offended. 

“Sure thing,  _ Death.”  _

“Touche.” 


End file.
